WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 60, 28 September 1907, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

"Clarence, dear, you arc very late; ill is long after midnight." "Well, if that isn't just like a woman. Before we were married you didn't seem to care how late .1 got home." Theatre Manager: "I can't use your play, sir. It's too long for the stage." Amateur Playwright: "But, I say—aw look here—aw! Can't you lengthen the stage, you know!" Teacher: '"Now children, remember the text, 'Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow you die.'" Pupil: "Please, teacher, in our family we don't. We all take castor oil next day." Mr Suburbs: "Do you expect any visitors to-night, my dear?" Mrs. S.': "Well, considering that Bridget is going to leave, baby is teething, the cellar is Hooded, and the grocer hasn't called for two days—yes, I do."

Fond Young Mother (with first born;: ' "Now, which of us do you think he is like?" Friend (judicially): "Well, of course, intelligence has not really dawned in his countenance yet, but he's wonderfully like both of you." Briton: "When the people of your town out West discovered that the Mayor had been misappropriating the public money, did they suspend him from office?" American: "No; from a tree." "Thought you said you were a mind reader?" "So I am," replied the professor. "Well, why do you hesitate? Why don't you read my mind?" "I'm searching for it!"

"I have given Tommy a drum for his birthday present," said Mrs Brown to her husband. "What are you going to give hiin?" "A drum," repeated her husband. "I see; then I'll give him a knife." Crabbe: To-day, for the first time, I was really delighted to hear my neighbor's piano going." Friend: "Something worth listening to, I suppose?" Crabbe: "i should say so. I heard the hire-pur-chase men taking it away."

"Stop!" she cried, when he attempted to kiss her. "Stop!" The youth, being unaccustomed to matters of the kind, drew back abashed. "You are ruffling my hair," she said, noticing his timidity. Then ho resumed, but with more care. Merchant tailor: "I am sorry to say it, Mr Gooclhcart, but as this is to be your wedding suit, I must demand cash on delivery." Mr Goodheart: "Eh; I've had an account with you for years, and I've always paid promptly to the hour, "sir." Merchant Tailor: "Yes, Mr Goodheart; but you were a bachelor, and bad the handling of your own money."

"Now, boys, what is the axis of the earth?" asked the teacher. "The axis of the earth," said Johnny, "is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to another, and on it the earth revolves." "Very good, Johnny," said the teacher; "could you hang clothes on that line?" Yes, sir." "Oh, indeed; and what sort of clothes, may I ask?" "Imaginary clothes, sir!"

He was about to start on a week's trout fishing. Rods, reel, gaff, creel—everything was in readiness. But his wife, smiling joyously, hurried into the room, extending something towards him. "For goodness sake," he exclaimed, "what on earth are you doing with those old fly-papers?" "I saved them for you from last summer," she answered. "You said J'ou always had to buy flies when you went .vfishing."

The man was unconscious, breathing heavily, and his half-closed eyes had a glassy stare. "Yes," said the physician who had been hastily called in, "he must have blown out the gas." The man on tlie couch opened his eyes, and looked with stern reproach at the doctor. "No," he said feebly, "I wish it to be clearly understood that I did not blow out the gas; I blew out the flame. The gas Mew out me."

WITH AN OBJECT. "We're going to have such a jolly time," saidt he girl in blue. "A dinner first, you know, and then a theatre party. Of course, you'll come." "I should like to above all things,-' returned tlie girl in grey, "but I fear it isn't possible." "Isn't possible! Why not?" "I'm not allowed to eat much of anything just now, and I fear such a dinner would be too great a temptation," explained the girl in grey, sadly. "Dieting?" queried the girl in blue. "Doctor's orders?" "No; lawyer's." "Lawyers!" "Yes, you see, my breach of promise case comes to trial pretty soon, and I'm training down to show the ravages of blighted affection." BURIED TREASURE.

A very lazy man was asked by his wife to dig the potatoes in tlie garden, lie consented, and after digging for a few minutes went into the house remarking that he had found a coin. lie washed the dirt off, and it proved to be half-a-crown. He put it in his pocket, and went back to work. Presently he returned to the house, and said he had found another coin. This he also washed. It was a twoshilling piece this time. He put it into his pocket.

"I have worked pretty hard," said he to his wife "1 think I'll take a short nap." When lie woke he found that his wife had dug all the rest of the potatoes. But she found no coins. It then dawned upon her that she had been "had."

! THE NOBLE ABAB STEED. He said it was a horse, and as lie was a big man no one liked to contradict him. But as a gentle zephyr eamc rambling round the corner, the animated framework shivered like an aspen leaf, and swayed in an alarming manner. It recovered, however, and outside the inu its owner handed the bridle to a loafer standing near. An hour later lie emerged, and handed the loafer twopence. "Beg pardon, capting," said the horseholder, "hut the price of hoss-'oldiu' 'as gone up. It's a tanner, now, capting." ••Wh-hat," cried the owner of the steed; "sixpence! Nonsense, man! Shouldn't think of it; keep the horse." And lie stalked olf in high dudgeon.

SCRATCHED. i Dear old Mrs "Wilings shifted uneasily. "My lore," she said nervously to her husband, "1 feel 1 must speak to you regarding our son George. He returns home so late in the evening now, he is so moody and at times his appetite is so bad that I fear he is getting info riotous company." "Joan," said Mr Wilings tenderly, pressing the tiiin hand, "do not oe alarmed—the toy but takes after his parents. I was just his age when I first courted you, and the lad is only following in my footsteps." 'lf it's oidy a lass that keeps him late, I should be thankful; but he has said never a word on the subject to me.. Are you sure, Darby, dear?' 1 "Sure?" chuckled the old man. "To be sure I'm sure. Why, his right wrist is covered with pin-seratckes,' I

A PROMISING OPENING. The travelling showman was waxing eloquent, as lie described the characteristics of liis wild horse I'rom Tartary. "Ladies and gents," he said, "thishailimal is a real terror. If there's any gent in this company as fancies liisself as a rider, I'll give him live pounds forevery niiimte he sticks on the hoss. Since boy'ood's happy hours I've rid horse;, and 'ave soniewat fancied myself as Mazcppa of the Plains, which rode the fiery steed Pegasus from Greece's classic shore to the Ole Kent Eoad; but this hoss is beyond me. I've tried him every way, but 'e shakes me off in ten seconds."

"Why not get inside him!" queried a budding humorist in the company. The travelling showman waited until the laughter had died down. "My lad," he said witheringly, "I've thought of that. Hut Nature 'as been unkind to him in the matter of mouth; it ain't big enough. Now, if it 'ad been you rs "

JSut the budding humorist did not wait to hear the logical conclusion of the hypothesis.