WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 60, 21 September 1907, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

WHAT HE MINDED. Visiting Prison Chaplain: Ah, my friend, thU. world is full of trials. Incarcerated Guest: Don't I know it, •niiteri Aiu't I 'ad my share of 'emi Bat it ain't the trials 1 mind so much; it's the verdict*. SO COMMON. "Was no . ne injured in the railway eolliiion, count!" '■No, but nevertheless it was a most painful situation—first, second, third, aad fonrth-cUss passengers an niinglea together! Simply unheard of I HIGH • FINANCE BEYOND HIM. "Sain, what would you do if you had a miIUM dollars ?" fc Fu> !» Uwd's sake! I'm sho' I danno wot I'd do ef I had a million fellah* but I know wot I'd do ef 1 bad tw» dollahn. I've bin waintin' two years tcr git married.''

A CRIMEAN SOUVENIR. ) The reporter of a big London, daily was interviewing a Crimean veteran in Cheh a Hospital the other day. "1 see the trace of a scar along your leftccheerk r sir," said the newsman. "That must have an interesting history." "Oh, I don't know," said the modest warrior. -How did you get it?" ••Well, you see," replied the old man,' "•iter I had run about a mile I got kind of careless and looked back." FREE SPELLING. Bishop WBberforce prided himself on knowing the name of every clergyman in his diocese. One day be met a view whose face he recognised, though he could not locate him. Thinking to conceal hi* forgetfulness, be said: "I never ear. remember bow you spell your name." "My lord," exclaimed the worthy parton, "I did not know that there was more than one way of spelling 'Jones.' "

THROWING AWAY MONET, Shortly after a busy lawyer had turned over a part of his law practice to his son, the young man came into the oflee with a flushed, triumphant face. "Father," he began, "you know that Wilkins case you have been trying for the but ten years t" The busy lawyer nodded. "Well," said the young man, "Fve settled itt" "Settled it!" ejaculated the father. "Settled it! Why, my boy, I gave you that case as an annuity!"

COMMENDABLE EXAMPLE. The popular after-dinner speaker rose to respond to a toast. 'Gentlemen,'' he said, "the unexpectedly flattering manner in which your toMt-maiter has introduced me .this evening reminds me of a story which strike* me as being appropriate to this Offnion By the way, how many of you hare heard the story of the PennsylTania farmer and the young wolf be bought for a 'coon dog*! Will those who are familiar with it from having listened to it half-a-dozen times or more please raise their hands!'

An overwhelming majority of his audience raised their hands. "Thanks, gentlemen," he said. " I (hall not inflict it upon you." With their rapturous applause still ringing in his ears he sat down. He made the hit of the evening.

THE CONGREGATION. There is a tiny church near the foot of on* of the western Grampians which has ■ congregation numbering in the best of weather not more than twenty people. On stormy days the number is much leas, as members have to travel considerable distances. A fburbt happened to come across this enured early one Sunday afternoon. He listened for a bit but heard ao sound, so went to the door of the church and looked it The beadle was the only occupant. ~ "Is the service orerf""0» ay, the wffl be over?'' replied the old nun. THen where is the congregation?'' asked the tourist. The beadle slowly pointed through the open door to a man wending his way down t km, and said, That's him." HER MEASURE. ' Practising in a busy provincial town are two doctors, t man and wife. The husband is a taQ, lank specimen of manhood, but the wife is a plump little fairy. One summer when they moved to a new .house, the wife was summoned downstairs in her husband's absence, and found there the local cobbler. He was standing, and a large bundle lay in the chair beaied him. "MorninV said he. "Doctor in?" "I (m Doctor Fielding," said the. lady With dignity. In a first call she is ilways nervously conscious that her size may be against her. "Doctor Fielding I want to see." '•I am Doctor Fielding." "Well, it's the doctor I was to—*' "I am Doctor Fielding," she repeated again, with increased emphasis. He bent, picked no the bundle, and unrolled its lowly. Then he proffered the contents, a pair of newly-tapped enormous shoes she seemed to have known before. "Well," said he, unmoved, "there's your shoes."

A NECESSARY PRECAUTION. Between Accrington and Baienden is the steepest incline on the Lancashire and Yorkshire railway. Some time ago a relief train was nm from Accrington to Manchester and a railway porter was told off to act as guard. The train started off from Accrington, but the passengers thought they would never arrive at Baienden, which is the first stopping place. However, after a terribly long journey the train arrived, and the guard jumped out and walked along the platform as guards generally do. The engine-driver looking out from his engine, saw him, fad called out, "We're fairly had a job to get up here, Bffl."

"Aye," replied Bill, "and if I hadn't had the brakes on we should have slipped back." BRIEF, BUT TO THE FOUNT. A young fellow at college wiote to his ancle, on whom he entirely depended:— "My dear Uncle,— Ready for the needful.—Your "affectionate Nephew." The uncle replied:— "My dear Nephew.—The needful is not ready.—Your affectionate Uncle." It is pleasant that affection should survive pecuniary embarrassments, as it did in the case of Samuel Foote's mother and himself:— "My dear Sam,—l am in prison for debt, same and assist your loving mother.—E. Foote." "Bear Mother,—So am I; which prevents Us duty being paid to his loving mother by her affectionate son,—Sam Foote."

A MEMORIAL SOMEWHERE. A footballer was proudly showing his leg to an admiring comrade. It was a pretty sight, says the Star. Large patches of black nnd blue, shadmg oft into yellow, and relieved by circles and crater* of raw scarlet, ran from hip to ankle. It was the hallmark of triumph, and its possessor glowered down at it adoringly. Also, it was painful, and he limped somewhat, and the kum felt stiff, and he wasn't certain h- could continue to .use it for its original purpone—something to walk with. Hut lie kept gamely to his work—he was in * boifaerti establishment. "A beauty, ain't it!" he inquired. "By gosh it is!" was the half-reluctant answer. Then, suddenly, as an inspiration flashed from out his brain-pan: "Say, old man, if that had happened in the yard, guess you'd hare come down an the boss, wouldn't you!" "You bet your life I would," was the prompt rejoinder. "I'd have come down on him quicker than Christmas." There is a moral somewhere about, but we have no time to look for it. DBDNT READ THEM. A kindly old gentleman, seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm, said: "Don't all those papers make you tired, my boy?" "Xaw, I don't read 'em," replied the lad.

OXE QUALIFICATION. Mrs Startnppe: Ah, professor! And sow is my daughter getting on with her musicT Do you think she will ever become a great singer? Professor: Madam, it is very hard to say. Mrs SUrtnppe: But surely she possesses some of the qualifications? Professor: Ach! Yes, madam: she has • month. Two women were being shown through an Asylum. 'As they entered a ward one turned to the other and said: "I wonder if that dock is right t" An inmate standing near overheard .' h*r, and intantly replied, "Great Scott, w>l ft wouldn't be here if it wml"