WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 60, 7 September 1907, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

"Is SpeeJihan a good chauffeur V" "Good!. I should say so! He ran over a man yesterday tiut every motorist ill the town had had a try at and missed."

He: ''Wh n we were married I thought we were to ho two souls with but a single thought. ' She: "Ucll, aren't we? Don't we both wish we were single again?"

Wayward Hobhs: I used ler be a milk man, lady ; after that 1 wuz a Mrs Handout: Quite a difference of vocations. Wayward ilobbs : oh, I don't know. On my lirst voyage I was at the pumps most of the time.

Friend: You've never been called in consultation, have you?

Young doctor: Xo, but I'd like to be. It's nice to charge ten times as much as the other doctor for saying that you don't know any more about the ease than he does.

''You misjudge me," said the hypocrite, reproachfully. 'T admit lam a poor, weak morlal, but telling untruths is not one of my failings." "tt certainly i> not," agreed the hard-headed man. "It is one of vour successes."

Prospective boarder (laying down his table napkin with a sigh of' satisfaction): Well, ma'am, if that's a sample of your meals I'll come and stay here for two months.

Seaside lady (doubtfully): Excuse me, sir, but is this a sample of your appetite?

Mrs Hastymateh: I had a dozen proposals before yours. All from smarter men than you, too! Mr Hastymateh: They must have been. How did they manage to crawl out of it?

"Gentlemen of the jury," queried the clerk of the cotU'i,.. ''liave. voji jully agreed to disagree?"

"We have," answered the foreman. •■The lawyers have bungled the case up so that we don't know anv more about il than thev do!"

_ lie]!: Oh, there you are, Stuart. I'd like you lo show my friend that new device of ours for preventing one's watch from being stolen. Now, T maintain that with a little care " Stuart: Can't show it. old man. A pickpocket stole it, out of mv pocket yesterday.

Small politician: 1 want to talk Jo you. sir. about a remark you made about me in your paper. You called me a political jobber, sir! Editor: Yes, it was n very annoying typographical error, ami I promptly discharged the compositor.

Politician: Ah! Then vou didn't intend to call me a "jobber"? Editor: No. -ir. J wrote "robber" very distinctly!

"Chawles." asked a lady lately admitted by marriage to the aristocracy, who was staying at an hotel, "are tlnre any presentable carriages here?" "Yes, m'ladv," replied her husband's valet.

"Well, I wish to pay some calls this afternoon. (lo to the stables and tell them to send me the best "enrte-do-visit' they have!" MISUXDERSTOI )D. Village dame: "Ah, I do think as gentlef.dk don't know what trouble be. There's mv daughter, just lost the last one of seven, she 'ave, after all the trouble she've took wi' 'em, feeding 'em on the best. But 'twere no use; they've a died one after t'other." Squire: "Dear, dear! I'd no idea your daughter had so many children." Dame: "Children!' I be talkin' o' pigs!"

BOOK OLD LONDON. A stage-manager once had a subordinate with realistic ideas. The malinger was producing a play containing a snow-storm, and the subordinate had charge of the snow.

"Bolh'r you!" said the manager, at the ea I of the snowstorm si one. "What on earth did y.-,r. mean i • maki.,g the snow .hi- of brown paper?"

'Ain't the sjup laid in London." asked the otho-. "Yes. but wlia* n' thai?"

"Well, that's the color of London snow."

THERE'S KNOWLEDGE FOB YOU. The corporal was one day drilling a batch of raw recruits. "Why is it." he said lo a briirht-lonk-ing chap, "that the blade of your sabre is curved instead of straight'.'"

" I'he blade is curved," the recruit answered, "in order to give more force to the blow."

"Nonsense." said the corporal. "The blade is curved so as to lit the scabbard. If it was straight how would you get it into the curved scabbard, you idiot?"

IZAAK WALTON IT. If ever there was an i-jitliiißiaslic fisherman it was old Join's. He was iniilo content to sit for hours on the bank of tlu l stream, hoping for a bile, ami if lie didn't get one, Ids mind thrillinl at the thought of what splendid .-.'ion lie had two years at;o. Thus he was found by 11 fellow angler. ••>'j'shc<j I'iiiy ill this stream ?" lie asked pli'iisiiutiy." "Twc/ity-thrce years/' was the laconic response, '■Then this stream must be worth lishing in."' went mi the stranger. "\ ou ""must get lots of bites."

(iaziiif intt'iill.v at his rod, Jones replied with zest: "Two years ago, in this verv snot. 1 bail as flue a bite as anyone' need wish for. And I shall get another yet." MKMOIIY TIiAIXIXC. There is no doubt thai the tying of a piece of string round the linger is a rcallv good aid to a j r memory, but ih.'i." is a wcU-authenlicatod ca.-c of a man who tied a piece of cotton round his «et Ids hair cut. On the way home to dinner that evening lie noticed the piece of cotton.

"All. vos, I remember." he said. And, siiiilin-;' proudlv. he entered the accustomed'" shop, and sat down before the accustomed barber.

"Kr—yes, sir':'' sind the barber, with a puzzled iiii[iiiry in his tones. "Kr! (11l yes, cut my hair, please," commanded 'the absent-minded one eurllv.

"Why certainly, sir, if you wish it," was ili.'- reply." "lint you won't mind my mentioning the fact that i cut it this morning, will you. sir'!"

i)i:.\sTir MK.\sn:i-:s. hi tlie school-; of a certain town mea,m, were retentlv taken to li-.-st the „r ihu children. When the doctor had finished each scholar he gave the, principal 11 list of the pupiU wk'W' eves' needed attention inul requested linn lo notify tlic children's parents to tint ell'oct,

Thus it came about that Mr William Atkins, .-fur., i-i ceived a note to the following filed: — "Deal' Sir.—it becomes my duty to inform you that your son shows decided indications of astigmatism, and his case is one that should be attended to without delay."

"Mr AI kins' glovercd at his son when he read the note. He reached down Hie household cane, but thought better of it. Then he sipiarod his elbows, and penned his reply: ' "|),.,ii ,Sir.~l am sorry to hear about mv son I'lease wollop it out of him \,' )Ul .. .',|r,,-vtionati'ly. Mil Atkins."