WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 60, 31 August 1907, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

Jack: ''When I marry I hope to be able to leather my nest." Tom: "What do you expect to feather ! it with?'' Jack: "Cash down." Mrs. New: "You've had your cook an J age, I understand." ; Mrs. Fresh: "Yes, indeed! It must bo s (it least six wccUs since she came." Miss .Singleton: "They say that happy \ marriages are rare, 'tell me, did you ever - have any trouble with your husband?" Mrs. May Ned: "No trouble that I i recollect, except in getting him." ; R>miuine Diplomacy.— She (after ac- - ecpting him): "And you have a rich bachelor uncle?" , He: "Yes." ' "Mamma is a widow, vou know." "Well?"' * "Can't we induce them to marry, and thus keep the money in the family." Dad: "Willie, whatever are you tryhi" to do with my watch?" ''£ was only trying to find out if you liiid been cheated," replied Willie. "P read the other day that a watcli had ITS dihercnt parts, and I wanted to be sure tli.y were all here." Youth (bursTing in excitedly): "Permotion, dad—permotion." Father: "How's that?" "Well, you know I had to take the part of the hind legs of the donkey at the pantomime." "Yes." "Well, now I takes the front legs." Friend: "Well, old man, what do you think of a court of law?" Victim: "I think that everyone connected with it, except the lawyers, are a lot of thieving sharks." "Why do you leave out the lawyers.'" "Because I know they are." A father told the young man who was calling upon his daughter that it was time to go home. "Pardon me, but the fault is really yours," replied the young flatterer; "you should not have such entertaining daughters." in a Dublin police court recently a poor woman appeared before the magistrate to ask his assistance in recovering 11 pawnticket which she had lost, and which the finder had refused to restore to her. In the midst of her application she Kept "on repealing: "It is a very aisy matter to lose a pawnticket, yer worship," until at last the magistrate, irritated, said, somewhat harshly: "I don't know, my good woman; I never happened to lose a pawnticket." "Ah, shure," replied she, "it's yer honour is a rale careful gintleman."

Settled by Arbitration.—Two judges played cards on circuit. After a very exciting game one of their 10-dships called the other a "dashed cheat." A quarrel ensued, and the matter was referred to the arbitration of a well-known barrister, who ordered the omission of "dashed."

Mrs. fladd: "You look tired, Mrs. Gab. Yhat is the matter?"

Mrs. Gab: "Tired! I'm nearly dead. I've sat on my bathroom window every day for hours, seven weeks ou end, listening to the sounds in the parsonage next door, and I haven't heard a cross word yet."

Dodgem was a sturdy tramp for all iiat he had been born tired, and one lay ho wended his way into an idyllic ittle cottage garden where the lady of lie house was engaged in gardening.' "Kind lady," lie whined, "spare a copier out of the goodness of your heart or a poor man with a child and sove.: I awing children!"

But the lady took no notice.

Dodgem, however, continued his importuning, until a collie dog appeared on the scene, barking loudly. The lady seined it by the collar, ami called out:

"You had better go away, for the dog is quite likely to bite you." Dodgem was not to be alarmed, nevertheless.

"You ain't got no right to keep a savage dog like that!" he observed. "Perhaps I have not," answered the lady coolly, "and if you think so, i won't keep him, but let him go!" Then the latch of the gate clicked, and in less than twenty seconds the tramp was a speck in the distance.

When a matrimonial match it struck someone usually gets burned.

Only a man with a substantial income can alford to write poetry. Many a girl marries the wrong mau because the right one failed to ask her. A woman can cure V.t husband of the tobacco, habit by Inlying his cigars for him.

As all girls expect to marry millionaires, they naturally think it a waste of time to learn the art of cooking. A woman gets as furious with the woman who doesn't admire her husband as she gets jealous of the one who does.

Many a train has been wrecked in a ballroom.

The question of "home" rule has wrecked the happiness oT many families. Tt surprises a man the first time his wife loses her temper; but after that he is surprised when she doesn't.

A wife is called the "better half" because usually she gets the better of the other half.

A man who tries to drown his troubles lways seems to think that they are boated in his stomach.