WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 60, 24 August 1907, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

gf During court-hip two souls may have j Br but i s!iur''j and two hearts i -swy beat as ore. i>ut after marriage it's J imv.s-.ibl; to fed two mouths that way. I'• "liave yoa a law ajtiun carrying con- ! celled asked tlia visitor. "We (l-iu't >w such law In Crimson (iul-V -i.--.v -r J i'iuct Pete. "Xobody lier-:-", f ! : to k<x*p a weapon under co-.- r vliVrc he's liable to lose ti'U2 iii re:-.:; - ; ng for it." -j;. va-ro right, and then go iVnJ.' -..'J.' tit-' ia-"i "ho likes to ijuinv. iin-v.-i-n\l the energetic citiVn. -i::t try nut to waste too ninth tii.!-- :ktng -uro, or you're liable lo [«.- --■ ;i 1 until who-studied his timetable - I that he missed the train/' I ■ Nli • (pri'iidly): I made the cake w-tli i,,.- (I v.i! hinds! fie (most inept- [> ' : • s ' lpl ' fair, soft hands! Who would taw putm-d their strength!" \\ a.:a Paderiwiiki was introduced to the champkn po!o player of England, he r - remarked: "I know we shtl! be ; fr-ends. for you are a tlcsr -ot.l \r'j) pliy* polo, whereas I am a deir P-jlc v.iio pliys solo." Paivcau: So you have succeeded in traeln;; lucV my ancestors! What ij your fee? Genealogist: Twenty guineas for keep'na quiet about them. "\Miy d#>n't you marry!" asked one Fnau-lunan of another. "Because I must do it on certain conditions." "What conditions!" '-Well, you know, the lady must be beautiful, rich/and a fooL If sbj ii-'t rich and beautiful X won't take her* a ml,if she isn't a fool she wont take me!"

' lames," she said severely. The butkr looked up with a guilty flush.' "James," she asked, "how is it that whenever I come into tie pantry, I find yotlr work at sixes and sevens, and you sprawled out reading the football news." "Well, ma'am," the butler answered, "I should say it was on account of tbem rubber-soled shoes you're always wearing abuot the house." He found the hair was leaving the top of hu head, and took his barber to task about it. "You sold me two bottles of staff to make thin hair grow." "It b very strange it wont grow again," interrupted the barber, "I can't understand It-" "WelK look here," said the man, "I don't mind drinking another bottle, but this must be the last." Andrew Carnegie tells the following to illustrate that a Celt is a Celt in Scotland as well as* in Ireland: In a sermon preached in a small church in Glasgow, the pastor, after inveighing against slothfuW-ss. said by way of a climax—"Do you think that Adam and Eve went abont the Garden of Eden with their binds In their pockets!" "She intends making a pianist of him, I am told," said one lady to another, (peaking of an acquaintance whose boy is very fond of music. "Yes." "Whom baa the selected as his teacher t" "She bad not got so tar as that at present; the is just letting his hair grow."

COULD BREAK IT GENTLY. llike: Who will we tend to break the lad news to the poor widow? Pat: Shure, we'd belter send Clancy to break It gradually, because he stammers. SUTTER FOR CONGRATULATION. Caller: Speaking of babies, madam, that's a fine youngster. Allow me to congratulate you. Madam: Sir, that baby is not mine. Caller: I repeat, madam, allow me to congratulate you." WOULD TAKE LOXG STEPS. The lioft rattled the bar of his cage with some violence. Turning to a keeper, the visitor asked: ''Pray, my man, what stepß would you take if one of those ferocious animals broke loose!" "Mighty long ones, mister!" was the prompt reply. MEMORY. Somebody of a psychological turn of mind once asked Lord Rosebery, "What Is memory!" "Memory," replied -the ', peer promptly but somewhat pensively, "memory is the feeling that steals over ns when we listen to our friends' original stories." GRAMMAR AS SHE IS TAUGHT. Master: Tomkinn, can you give a sentence in which "but" is a conjunction!"' Tomkins: "See' the goat Tmtt' the boy!" "Butt" is a conjunction, an«l connects the boy with the goat. POOR WORM. • r The little girl admired her mother's . ' silk dress, stroking it softly. "Isn't it pretty," said Her mother. "It is silk. Do you know what silk is made from!" t Xo. mamma." "It comes from a little insignificant worm." 'Do you mean father, mamma!" asked Isabel

A SINCERE WISH. A lot of poor children were at a farm. The fanner gave them some milk to drink, the product of a fine cow. "How • iii like it S" he asked when they had fintiUed. "Oil. it's fine," said one little fellow, who added, after a thoughtful pause —"I wish our mllfcnum kept a cow!" IN THE VAN. the struggle for liberty," shouted the long-haired anarchist, "you will find me, brothers, always in the van." "Sure, that's right enough,'' said the burly policeman, as he pulled him into "His Majesty's omnibus." OSE TOR THE BOY'. Une day a little boy came to school .with very dirty hands, and the teacher wud to him, "Jamie, 1 wish you would sot come to school with your hands soiled. What would you say if I came jtyj with soiled hands t" wouldn't say anything," was' the prompt reply. "I'd be too polite. ' DIDN'T DO IT AT .HOME. The headmaster of a boarding school observed one of the boys cleaning his knife on the table-cloth, and immediately podnccd on him. "It that what you generally do at home, flirt" "Oh, no,' ' replied the boy quietly, "we have clean knives at home." i HE WAS CAUGHT. A small crowd congregated in a back street the other day. The object of the atracliun was a cabman with a jibbing horse. "Won't draw, guv'nor!" inquired an old totf with an eyeglass, who stood in I the centre of the ciowd. "Draw!" replied the cabman. "Can't you see it is drawing the attention ol every fool in the neighborhood]" DIDN'T WANT TO LEND IT. Once open a time, an Arab went to his neighbor and said: "Eend me rear „ rope." "I can't," said the neighbor. "Why not t" "Because I want to use the rope myself." "What do you want to do with it?'' the borrower persisted. "I want to tie up five feet of water with It.' "How on earth can you tie up five feet with a rope!" "My friend." said the neighbor, "Allah is great, and he permits in to do strange things with a rope when we don't want to lend it!'' | A MILD HINT, t Yi.ung Hopeful: T'apa, it worries me * avviully to think how much trouble 1 give mamma." * Papa: "She hasn't complained." £ . "Noj she's so patient. But she oflen if' (ends me to the shops for things, and I-,'' the shops are a good way off sometimes, and I knoyf she gets quite tired of wait. fc;' lag when ihe's in a hurry. She gets Bj'" everything all ready for bread aud finds V' at the last minute she hasn't any yeast; ■ ' or she gets a pudding arranged, and finds & she hasn't any nutmeg or something; K and then she's in an awful «tew 'cause f the oven's all ready, and pVaps company coroin', and I can't run a very long disanoe. you know, and I feel awful sorry for poor mamma" "Humph! Well, what can we do about it!" ' 1 ■■■ "1 was thin kin' you might get me a j bicycle."