WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 60, 17 August 1907, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

J "Has that young man any expectn- ' nons in lite I"' asked the stern lather, i "He lias," answered the heiress. "What .are they!" "Me."

He: I shall tell the world that you have rejected me. .She: What! And give me the reputation for so much wisdom!

"Mr Taffeigh is a Anooth-faced young man, isn't he, Matilda?" '"Why, * thought it felt—l mean " "Matilda!" /"

An old woman met a well-to-do and humorous Irishman and said: "Kind sir, could you give a copper to a poor old woman who is short of breath!" The Irishman gave lier a shilling with the remark: "There you are my good woman, don't take any more, for, begorra, ye may lie short of breath, but what you have nf ii is mighty strong!" A laws.liad a horse that always baulked when he attempted to cross a certain bridge leading out of the village. No amount of whipping and urging could induce him to cross it, so he advertised it for sale. "To be sold for no other reason than, that the owner would like to leave town." A story is told of a well-known and successful barrister of diminutive stature. "Mr Garratt," a judge is reported to have said to him, "when you address the Court you should stand up." "I am standing up, my lord." "Then, Mr (iarratt, you should stand upon the bench." "1 am standing upon the bench, my lord."

Inventor: I have just invented a new washing machine; would you like to Business man (after- taking a look at him J: Invented a washing machine, have you! Well, I think you had better go straight away hoifle and use it. Mistress (to servant): Jane, you've broken as much china this month as your wages amount to. Now, how can we prevent this occurring again! Jane: I don't know, mum, unless you raise me wages.

Voting medico: What is the secret of your success? Old 'un: 1 make it a rule to find out what a patient wants to do, and then 1 order him to do it. MISTRUSTED DISTRUST. He. was going home, and it was growing dark. His road from the station was a lonely one, and he was getting along as fast as he could, when he suddenly suspected that a man behind him was following him purposely. The faster he went, the faster the man weut, until they came to a churchyard. "Now," he saiil'to himself. "I'll find out if he's after me," and he entered the churchyard. The man followed him. Vague visions of revolvers and loaded clubs grew upon him. He dodged around a grave,, and his pursuer dodged after him. He made a detour of a family vault. Still the man was after him, round and round. At last he turned and faced the fellow. "What do you want! What are you following me for!" "Well, sir, it's like this. I'm going up to Mr Fitzbrown's house with a parcel, and the porter at the station told me that if I followed you I juld find the place, as you live next door. Do you always go home like this:"

REVENGE IS SWEET. A small boy, bearing every appearance to having passed a sleepless night, entered the premises of a local dentist recently, and stated that he wanted to have tne louth extracted The operation was successfully performed, and the dentist was about to show liis patient out, when he asked if he might have the tooth which had caused him so much agony. '"What are you going to do with it?" asked the detilst. "I'll take it home, bury it in sugar, and then grin at it jumping,'' was the reply. VERSATILITY. Mrs Lofty (to new cook): Where have I seen you before, Kathleen! Your faee is quite familiar. New Cook: Ye must have seen me in th' dime museem, ma'am. 1 used to be th' Circassian beauty.

A RECEIPT FOR HIS BIIAIX. An Ohio politician enjoys telling of a ! political discussion he uiktj overheard in a country grocery store. In some way the argument—quite a heated one, degenerated into a dispute, 'i which one side took the position that le others were crazy to entertain such oiitical tenets as theirs.

At this point a solemn-looking individual, who up to this time had held nis peace, suddenly interjected: "Uents, I want to say that I'm the only sane man here that has the papers to prove it." The crowd gazed upon him in astonishment.

"It Li true, gents," continued the so-lemn-looking individual as he drew forth a document from the recedes of his coat. "Here's my discharge from the State Insane Asylum."

I WOULD HAVE TO WASH HIS HANDS She was wan and full of care, and she approached the draper's counter with a timid cough. "•I want a pair of gloves for my Jim," she said. "He's going to a dance." "Yes, madam," said the assistant, producing the white kid box. "this is the kind, I suppose!''

"Them!" cried the wan woman. ''(Joodness, no! They'd be no good. My Jim's got a hand like a shoulder oi mutton. Beside*, they're too dear. Haven't you got something like the pleecemen wear at about sixpencea'penny V' The assistant smilingly regretted that they did not keep that kind. "Oh, well," sighed the wan one, there's no 'elp for it! Jlm'U have to wash his hands after all!"

OFF-31DK. Two schools were engaged in friendly rivalry on the football field, and each side included oue of its masters. Play was very evenly distributed, and with five minutes to go, each team acored two goals. | Then one of the masters secured the | ball and promptly touched it between 1 the posts. But he was palpably oifj side and the referee —a boy from his own class—disallowed the try. ••What!" shouted the master. "Offside!" "Yes air; vou were behind the backs jwhen you played' the ball."

For a moment the master was staggered at the youth's temerity. 'he went up to him, and- taking liini tirmly by the ear, said: , "Write we out three hundred line-.'

IIMil) LINES. Mrs Jlarmaduke's patience was beaming exhausted. Instead of going to deep little Marjorie insisted on asking those awkward questions with which parents are familiar. "Mamma," she said, as she sat up in bed, "when I grow up shall 1 have to marry a man like dadila?" "Perhaps you will, darling. Now, go to -Wep." "Ur else be an old maid, like Aunt Lizzie V' "Yea, love. But you mustn't ask any anv more (juestions." I The little girl remained silent for a [few moments, then began to sob bitterly. -What is the matter, pet J" "I was just thinking what a rotten world it is for us women." And she cried as if her little heart would break. AN" UNHEALTHY LOT.

old Hugh and his wife were not brilliant scholars, but they liked to move with the times as regards their knowledge of current events, so the daily m'\\>|u]wT was regularly delivered at their humble abode, and It was Jenny's duty to read out during breakfast time all tli*'' most interesting items of the day.

One morning, after wading through ' the latest intelligence from the front, ■*he turned to another page of the paper and said:

I "Hughie, it say-* here that another 'octogenarian h dead." ■•What's an octogenarian?'' "Well, I don't quite know what tliev are, hut they must he very sickly creatnr»s; you never hear of them but they're dying/'

MARWVf I(V TFTK MOfTFfFf'L Mr Cundel wa« great on science. ami took the deepest interest in anything connected with its advancement. H> recently had an opportunity of nttendinir a demonstration of wirele« telegraphy. and when he reached home afterward*, treated Mrs Cundell to a full account <f iU wonder*. She. like n dutiful wife, to l>e highly interested, and queried: '•TIm-'I i* U true that messages sent by wireless telegraphy pass I through the «ir w»» breathe?" "Yes, that's quite correct."

' Then, what happen* if a man who ; j has s<-nt off a telpgrain pwodlow* J his words on his way home?" L