WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 60, 31 July 1907, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

"No, Mr .lohnstnn," said Hiss Simpson, "my final answer is 'No.' But, you know tin-re are plenty of others. There's Edith Williins, aud Kilu-1 Jones, and Florence Brown, and "' "Oh, i know, I know,'' said .Air Johnston bitterly, as he rose from his knees and lifted his hat. i'Do you think 1 would have come to ask you if I hadn't tried all the.se girls first?"

'Nicy had been courting each other for some time, but quarrelled about something, and separated. Five years later they met again-at a dance. "flow do you do, .Miss Johnston?" said he coolly. "How do yon do, .Mr Smithson?" said the lady frigidly. ■•'Didn't we used to be sweethearts onee?" "I think yon must be mi-taken." said Mr Suiitlisoii, "it must have been my father."

Old (ient: "Don't you lliink, my lad, that it would he better for you to be at home reading a book than wasting your time in this fashion? Hoy: Can't say I do. Old gent: But why, my lad? Boy: Well, guv'nor. you see, we've only one book in the "misc. an' that's the rent hook; an' there's quite enough shine about that on .Monday without me bring|ing it out on Sunday.

"And what arc these documents?" asked the lady. "These," replied the prospective housemaid, handing over a large bundle, "are my references from former employers.'' "And how long have you been in service?" "Three years, mum."

"I never speak unle&s I have something to say," he remarked, when she asked him what made him so quiet. "Gracious," the girl exclaimed, "how did you learn to talk?"

Willie: Mother, can people leave part of themselves in different places? Mot Iter: No, dear; why? Willie: Well Mr Juggs said he was going to the Waikato for his lungs.

Mrs C'hugwater: Josiah, this papeer says that "municipal ownership is an ignis fatuus?" What is an ignus fatuus" Mr Chugwatcr: That's so plain that anybody ought to know what it means at first sight. "Ignis" means fire. "Faluns" is fat. The fat's in the fire. Kejccted suitor: I may be poor now. but there was a time when I rode in my carriage: The girl: Yes and your mother pushed it! He: Miss Knote is certainly a plain girl, isn't she? She: Well, she isn't a beiuty; but when you hear her sing you will forget her face. He: Why, is her singing as bad as that '!

"The evidence shows, Mrs Mulcancy that you threw a stone at the nonstable' "It shows more than that, you Honor It shows that Oi hit him.'

COLD STOIUES. A Bangor man, says the Kennebec I United States) Journal, in his effort to describe the coldest place in the world, spoke of a shed "that was too cold to keep wood in," and that was the limit until this correspondence came in from Mount Desert concerning the weather down there last week.—A fisherman of Otter Creek says a big codfish was so attracted by the warmth of a gasolene heater in his dory that it jumped into the boat and tried to wrap itself around the heater. It froze in a half circle, •led Jerkins, of Trenton, veni to the bain to water his slock. lie fell and upset the pail. Before he could step out of the water his boots froze to tin floor. He had to take his boots oil' to gel away.

UK WONDEKED WHY. Little Johnny: .Mother, tell mo how papn got to know yon. Mother: One day 1 fell into the water, and he jumped in an* fetched me out. Little .Johnny: ll'ni; that's fi y; he wont let i»e learn to swim. YANKEE AN]) Till-; SCOT. Once a Scotchman was visiting New York, and coining across a statue of Washington stood gazing at it. Just then a Yankee came up and said to Handy: 'There's a good man. A lie never passed his lips." "No," said the Scotchman, T suppose he talked through his nose, like the rest of you." ADDED ANOTHER JEWEL. They were skating. "George," she as ..d. as they rounded the bend, "is your watch correct?'' "Yes, indeed," replied George, with a merry laugh; "it is keeping better time since I put your picture inside the case." "Oh, you flatter, how could that be?" "Well, you see, when I placed your picture inside the case I added another jewel." And the wise old man in the moon winked.