WIT AND HUMOUR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 60, 13 July 1907, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR.

She: Before wo wen; married you declared your willingness to do anything, even to die, for my sake. lie: Well, if mine isn't a living death 1 don't know what is.

Gentleman (to Irish cab driver, after treating him io a glass of whisky): "Well, that suits you, eh?" "Khun', your Honor, sind it's thruo: it's made a—nilher man o' me. Begorra (in a whisper) lli'.' other man would like wan. loo." j

Two commercial travMlors wore comparing notes. "1 have hern out three weeks," said the first, "and have' only g.>l | four orders.'' '-Thai beats mo." sai<i ftho other. "I have been nut for foil) 'weeks, and have only got one order, and that's from the firm to eome homo."

Green: What do you mean by saying ■John Brown is a distant relative ®f yonrrf*; j though he was your brother. | Brown: Well, there are twelve child ren in our family. He's the eldest and I'm Iho youngest.

uti are a )iaiv r declared a member of a certain road board. "You are an jother." retorted the accused. "Gentle' men, gentlemen." expostulated the chairman mildly, "ju*t pair and let us have i peace."

■'\os, 'rummy." related l/nclo Bob, who had just returned from a mountain tour 'the Matterhom is indeed a wonderful sight." 'How big is it, Uncle Bob?' 1 asked Tommy in wonder. "Oh, it is higher than the tallest building you ever Saw.' "Gracious! How do they ever blow such a horn as that?"

His wife: At last my eyes are opened to the fnct that you married me for

jmy money. Hit husband: \Ycll, that ouglit to be some consolation, my dear. llis wife: Some consolation! Her husband: l'es. You now realise that 1 am not as big a fool as you thought I was.

''That dog ! bought of you yesterday turns out to be a very ferocious animal, lies bitten n lump out of my boy'? leg." l 'W ell, sir, 1 ' replied the dog fancier, "didn't I tell you when you bought 'im that 'e was very fond of children?"

| "ticorge" she said, "before we were married you were always giving me presents. Why don't you ever bring me anything now?" "-My dear," replied fleorge, "did you ever hear of a fisherman giving bait to a fish after he had caHglit it?" Then the kettle boiled over, \

Mile, hideal (a poet) What a marvellous and beautiful spectacle it is to see the heavy heads of wheat rising and falling at the caprice of the gentle zephyrs. Mons. Ratcre {a speculator): Not half so wonderful as to see them rising and falling at the grain market.

"Don't you believe ill evolution ?" asked the scientific man. "Certainly," answered Miss Cayenne. "Xo change that centuries bring about in natural history can be more remarkable thai) wbieli a woman undergoes in a single day as she progresses from curl [lapers to evening gows."

"Aw, go'on." said the British soldier, attempting to end the argument, "you'ru a lobster." "Yc llatter me," retorted Mike; "shure a lobster's a animal, fur green is his color fur him us long as he lives, an' he'll die before he puts on a red coat."

At a military church service during the South African war sonic recruits were listening to the chaplain, who, in the course of the service, said: ''Let them slay the JJoers as Joshua smote the Egyptians," when a recruit whispered: "Bay, Bill, the old parson is a bit oil'. Doesn't ho know it was Kitchener who swiped the .Egyptians 1"

She was one of those old ladies who always think there is going to be a disaster whenever they enter a train for a live minutes' journey. 'Ms it a fact that the locomotive is on the rear of the train?" she said to the ollicial who punched her ticket, "Yes madam," replied the guard; "but there is also a:i engine in the front. It takes too engines to climb the steep gradient just here." "Oh. whatever shall I do'P moaned the old lady, iam always ill when [ sit with my back to the engine.''