WIT AND HUMOUR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 60, 6 July 1907, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOUR.

— An elderly gentleman was riding on a street 'bus the other day. A boy began to laugh, and laughed so he couldn't stn l'- -.The old gentleman told bis moth. er that the boy wanted a spanking, and she replied that she didn't believe in spanking on an empty stomach, whereupon the man said: "Neither do I; turn him over," A short time ago a Taranaki man sent a small boy in his neighborhood to deliver a note to a young lady who lived a short distance away, lie gave the, boy half-a-erown to make him hurry. After a short time the messenger came back, and, banding the money, said. "Miss Z says she will be glnd to see you to-night, but she didn't want the half-crown." Butcher: I need about your size, and will give you ten shillings a week. Applicant: Will I have a chance to rise? Butcher: Yes, I want yon to be here at four o'clock in the morning! Visitor: And who are you, my little man? Small.boy (with conscious pride): I'm the baby's big brother. Captain: Sergeant, not down Private Grassgreen three days on bread and water for slovenly turn-out on parade. Sergeant: Beg pardon, captain, that won't make the slightest difference to him; he's a vegetarion. "What? 'Then put him for three days on mutton broth and beef. "I dinna bauld wi' yer free libraries," »aid the canny Scot, when the collector called for his contribution. "Onneeessary luxuries, I ca' tliem, and wiles o' the de'il. When I want a read I just dander doon tar the railway station, and bae a luik roond. What? A long way, is it? Weel, it a moil's in sic a hurry, he can just gang intar the kirkyard and read the toomstanes." "De preehcr wuzn't feelin' good las' mectin' day, an' he made de stove preach de sermon." "Made de stove preach ?" "Yes-made It red-hot from top to bottom, an' den told de sinners ter take a good look at it, an' go ter thinkin'!" A school inspector, having a few minutes to spare after examining the school, put some questions to the lower form boys on the common objects in the school room. "What is the use of that map?" he asked, pointing to one stretched across the corner of the room, and half a dozen shrill voices answered: "Please, sir, it's to hide the master's bicycle!" She glided into the office and quietly aproached the editor's desk. "I have a poem," she begas. ''Well?" exclaimed the editor with a look and tone intended to annihilate her, but she calmly resumed: "I have written a poem on 'My Father's Barn,' and " "Oh!" interrupted the editor with extraordinary suavity, "you don't know how relieved I am. A poem written on your father's barn, eh? I was afraid it was written on paper, and that you wanted me to publish it. If I should happen to drive past your father's barn I'll stop and read that poem." ■WHEN THE STRONGEST FAILED. If a man asks very many questions he is likely to get considerable information. One of the human interrogation points went to an occulist the otiler day. "This is the weakest glass you have!" he asked. "What shall Ido when I can't see with this ?" "Why you win probably be compelled to buy a stronger one." "And when I can't see with that?" "Well, then ..you will have to use a still stronger one." "And after that?" "Oh then you will have to get the. very strongest." The victim of defective eyesight thought for a moment, and then asked: "And when I can't see with the strongest?" The occulist didn't earn to say what would happen after his own skill had proved ineffectual. "But, tell me," persisted the knowledge seeker, "what shall I do when the •trongest glass fails me?" "Oh—ahem —well," was the answer, "I should say the next thing to do would be to buy a small dog with a string round his neck."