IN LIGHTER VEIN.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 60, 15 June 1907, Page 3

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

A woman entered a shop and excitedly exclaimed: "Was there a man here late ly with a wooden leg called Brown 1' "What's the name of the other leg?' tvskeii the shopman.

"You know," quoted the plodding person " 'the heights by great men reached and kept Were not attained by a sudden flight." 1 "But," replied the modernist, you must remember that was written before the invention of the express elevators."

An Irishman went into a local store and said: "Faith, an' did you put in the papers you wanted a man?" "Yes," said the storekeeper, "and X distinctly stated that all applications must, be made by mail." "An' faith, its's meself that's 'a male, sure," says Pat, He was hirod.

In a certain school a teacher asked the question: "Can any of you tell me the thing you remember longest"?" There was a silence for a moment, and then a hand was seen at the back of the class. "Well, Johnny, asked the teacher, "what do you say ?" "Please, mum," answered Johnny, looking at (lie strap, "the thing I remember longest is a 'leatherV "

Jack: Now, Phyllis darling, name the day, and make me happy. Phyllis: Three weeks from Thursday next, Jack "Please, miss, that's my regular day out. II have to get niarried earlier in the week, or you'll spoil my happiness," shouted Norah through the keyhole.

"Don't j'ou over thank ft man who is polite enough to (stand up in- a street oar!" "Certainly not," answered the matter-of-fact woman. "It is the business of 1 lie street railway company to thank liim."

LINCOLN'S RIDDLE. On one ocasion when he was busy President Lincoln received a delegation of men, wiio were endeavoring to hurry the passing of some petty Bill. When they entered, Lincoln looked Up gravely and said: "If you call the tail of a sheep a leg, how many legs will the sheep have?" "Five," said the spokesman. "No," replied Lincoln; "it would only have four. Calling tlie tail a leg would not make it one." The delegation departed 'in discomfiture.

SHOPPING POLITENESS. "Never point, my dear," said the mother gently. "But, mamma," objected the little girl, "suppose 1 don't know the name of the thing?" ''Then let the salesman show you all lie. has ill stock until he comes to the article that is desired." IT PUZZLED lII.M. Five or six men were standing outside a factory, discussing in a general sort of way the personal habits of other people. "I'm sure I dunno," said one, " 'ow them chaps ■ manage to comb their hair every day. I only combs mine one a week, and then it werry nears pulls my yed o(I."

• THE BORROWED SERMOX. A clergyman arranged on one occasion to take the service of a neighboring church, leaving his own congregation in charge of a recently-acquired curate. On his return lie asked his wife what she thought of the curate's sermon. "It was the poorest one I ever heard," she replied promptly; "nothing in it at all.'The. clergyman meeting the curate next, day, asked him how he got on. "Oh, very well," was the reply, "I hadn't time to prepare anything, so I took the liberty of preaching one of the unused sermons you showed me in your stndv!"

XOT WANTED AT HOME. Sir William Wlghtinan held olllec in the old court of Queen's Bench far beyond the prescribed time, and at last he took a sort of farewell of his brother judges, However, he turned up smiling again at Westminster Ilall. ''Why, Brother Wightnnin," said Sir Alexander Oockburn, "you told lis that you intended to- send your resignation in." "So I did," said Sir William, "but whe-> 1 1 went home and told my wife, she said 'Why, Wililum, what on earth do you think we can do with you messing about the house all day?' So you see 1 was obliged to ccmc down to court again." .TACK ASHORE. Two sailors were sitting in the gallery of an old country church, paying grent attention to (he service. During the sermon one of them heard a distinct sound of snoring coming up from tho body of the church, and, looking down, he saw a fat man fast asleep, his head thrown well buck and his immlli wide open.

| The temptation was too strong for Jack, who, making up n plug of tobacco, Irhut one eye and glancing along the imaginary plumb-line, dropped it into the man's month, causing the old fellow to close wilh a snap and juinn to his ieet, spiutlering, and with ;i face almost purple.

•lack's chum asked: "What's up, Jack? Man overboard ?"

' No,' said .lack, exploding with suppressed laughter, "I dropped a, piece of 'haccy plumb down the main hatchway, and into his grog-tub!" CABBY'S SURPRISE.

A lawyer having had occasion to summon an abusive cabman, was surprised when his cleric informed him that the cabby, not recognising him, had culled lo knmv whether he would undertake his defence.

"Oh, certainly," was the reply, with a smile of amusement. "Tell hiin we'll liini oH for < puiiioa." ft was the cabman's turn to be sur--I'iised, Imwever, on the summons being .v it-hdrawn, nnd his recognising the plainliir and the solicitor as one and the same person.

"Why, hang me, if that ain't the cove 1 .gave the guinea tol" lie remarked Willi evident uslonwhment.