IN LIGHTER VEIN.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 60, 8 June 1907, Page 4

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

INSERTED HIS AltM. \V. W. Jacobs has said that It is only their surprises that make his stories take. To illustrate what he means, he told a story of a lawyer defending a man accused of house-breaking, win spoke like this: "Your Honor, I submit that my cli'iit did not break into the house at all. He found the parlor window open And merely inserted his right arm and remoa'd a few trilling articles. Now, gentlemen, my client's arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish tin whole Individual for nil offence committed only by one ot the limbs."

"That argument," said the judge, ii very well put. Following it logically 1 sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment; He can accompany it or not, as he chooses," The defendant smiled, and with hit lawyer's assistance, unscrewed his cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out.

CAT AND tttiU./ They Were engaged to he married, and called each other by their uanios—Torn and Fanny—anil' he was telling her how he had always liked the name of Fanny, and how it sounded like music in his ear "1 like the name so well," he added, as a sort of clincher to the argument, "that when sister Clara asked hie to name her pet terrier 1 at once called it Fanny, after you, dearest," "1 don't think that was very nice," said the fair girl, edging away from him; "how would you like to have a dog named after you?" "Why! that's nothing/' said Tom airily, "half the cats in the neighborhood are named after me." H'hey don't speak now.

WANTED GLASSES. An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young woman with a determined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. "I want to look at a pair of eyeglasses sir, of extra magnifying power." "Yes, ma'am," replied Uic salesman; ''something very strong?" "Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful blunder which I never want to repeat." "Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance!" "No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumble-bee for a blackberry!"

EVIDENCE. Not many years ago a prominent citizen of Haverhill was arrested for the unlawful sale of liquor, On being searched a half-llask of brandy was found. That being the only evidence, the judga charged the jury. They had been out but five minutes, when they returned, and the foreman queried: "Your Honor, how do you know tlio flask contaius brandy? I would like to take the flask out into the jury room." He was given the flask, and soon the jury returned. "Have you agreed!" the foreman wat asked. "We have," he answered. "We find the defendant not guilty," and exhibiting the now empty flask, he added: "There was not enough evidence to g,i around." The defendant was discharged.

TIIK PIKST SWIM. At a considerable expense a certain borough council Imd erected public baths, and not long ago they were opened by one of the leading men of the town. One of the proudest men there wu« Sandy, who had been appointed bat h superintendent. Sandy had two hobbies—dog breeding and swimming. Ju" 1 ; prior to Ahc opening ceremony one oi the local councillors slipped and fell into the six-foot end of the bath.

"Come out o 1 that," roared Sandy, leaning over,, and catching the unfortunate one by the hair. "Come out d' that! The bath's no opened yet!" When dragged out the councillor tried to laugh the matter off by remarking, •'Anyhow, I have had the first mini." lie was denied even this satisfaction. 'Deed, ye hadna'l" said Sandy calmly. "Me nh' the dogs had a dip this morning!"

HIS DISCOVERY. A country couple were going to pay a visit to friends some miles across country. The weather was cold and wet, so both husband and wife took a stiff whisky before setting off in their little dogcart, which the husband drove, the wife occupying (he back seat. Arrived at his destination, after a weary journey over sloppy roads, tin man was cordially greeted by his host, who. however, supplemented his weleom j by, ".\fun, why did ye no' bring the wife

Solemnly his guest turned round an:! looked at the seat his wife has occupied at the beginning of the journey, and then, apparently hugely pleased at having made the discovery, remarked, "So that was lbe splash!"

"TWO FOli THKEKPKXCE." A commercial traveller, who is noted for his perserveranec, onec called on n merchant ami sent in'Mr card, requesting au interview. Happening to glnnc-s into the olliee he saw the recipient tear up his card mill throw it into the wastepaper basket. The office hoy returned with the old story that, "Mr It. was sorvv, hut ho could not see him;"

The traveller, nothing daunted, requested that ilr B. should return his card, which, of course, he had destroyed. In a minute the hoy returned and handed over twopence, and remarked that Air H. had destroyed the card, and thought that this sum would cover the damage. The traveller succeeded in getting another card into Mr B.'s sanctum, and Mr 11. read on it. "These curds are two for threepence."

lie got his interview, and Mr B. bc> came one of his best customers.

COXCUTSIVK EVIDENCE. A guileless old Scottish minister on, 1 day told some boys of the Bible lesson he was <o read in the morning. The hoys, finding the place, glued together the connecting pages. The next day the preacher read lo his astonished congregation that "when Noah was 120 years old he took unto himself a wife who was ft hen turning the page) 140 cubits long, 40 cubita wide, built of gopher wood, nud covered with pitch ineide and out." .-.prr •