WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 59, 1 June 1907, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

■'There goes a inuii who always whistles at danger." "What does he do'.'" "He's an engine-driver."

She (after breaking the wish-bone): What did you wislr; lie: I wished thai you would let me kiss you. Whit did you wish'? She: I wished that whil you wished would come true.

Teacher: .lohnny, 1 don't believe you've studied your geography. Johnny: No mum. 1 heard pa say the map of the world was changing every day, and I thought I'd waii a few years till things get settled.

"Landlord, this sou]) is frightfully salt." "I tint very sorry, sir, but the cook is very careless." "Then why don't you discharge her!" "Unfortunately I can't." "Why nut?" "She's my wife!"

Hen Butler was a (error and torment to the judge;. (In on ca-ion Judge Sanger, having bce:r bullied and badgered out of all patien-e. petulantly asked: "What docs the compel suppose I am on this Bench for':" Scratching his head a minute. Butler replied, '"Well, I confess your honor's got me there."

Very early one morning a miser picked up on a racecourse a roll of bank notes which probably had been dropped the night before by some betting man. "Ah! What have you got there V" cried a brother skinflint. "Lucky as usual. I see." "Luck, d'ye call it?" growled the miser, turning over the notes quickly. ''Call it lucky? All fivers—not a tenner among the blessed lot! Bali!"

Some members of the motor club were discussing the latest police outrage. "It's a shame," said the one most interested. "I never in my life was more humiliated when that ignorant policeman went into the box and swore that I was going 20 miles au hour." "How fast were you going, Harry?" another asked. "Not an inch less than 50 miles an hour."

Overshrewd lawyers often furnish their adversaries with weapons.

"Did you this tree that lias been mentioned, by the roadside?'' an advocate inquired. "Yes. sir; I saw it plainly." ''it was conspicuous, then?'' The witness seemed puzzled by the new word, lie repeated his former assertion. "What is the difference," sneered the lawyer, "between plain and conspicuous;" Kut lie was hoist by his own petard. The witness innocently answered: ".[ can see you plainly, sir, among the other lawyers, though you are not conspicuous."

TWO POINTS OF VIEW.

She: "Sympathise with me, Baron. I found a grey hair in my head this morning." He: "Congratulate mc, Countess. X

OLD USE FOR VERSE. Poet (who steps into the sanctum and catches the editor lighting a fire with his last poem): "And yet the editor'says he has no use for my work."

STRICTLY FORBIDDEN-. Policeman (to tramp): "I've been watching you loitering by this stream for the past two hours. Either you intend to fish or to drown yourself, and both arc strictly forbidden."

WELCOME AS A DAY VISITOR. Lawyer: Well. I've got you oil' somehow or ol her. You're free. Thief: Many thanks. I'll conic and see you some time.

Lawyer: Well, not at night time A WINDOW ADVERTISEMENT

Customer (t.) waiter): Wliafa Hie meaning of tin.,? Yesterday you gave mi' twice as large a portion as to-day. Waiter: Where did you sit? Customer: By the window.

Waiter: Oh that accounts for it. w 0 always give the people by the window large portions. It's au advertisement.

XOT TITS LEGS. A Russian peasant journeyed to the nearest town to buy himself a pair of new boots, and, after profiting by the occasion to imbibe plenty of vodka, started homeward, but soon fell asleep >on the road, where he was relieved of his new boots by a passing thief. About an hour afterwards a cart came along, and the carter, arousing him, called out:

"Take, those legs of y.mrs out of the way. can't you?" The Russian staggered to his feet, and regarding hi, gravely said: "Those legs aren't mine. .Mine had new boots on.*' THIO KXD OF THE GAME, "•-die has caught a rich husband, at any rate." "Nile is what you call cheque-mated, then."

lIE COri.l) XOT GRI'MRLE. "1 m sorry to hear you've lost vour patient, doctor." "N') am 1. lint lie was ill a long time."

JUST A LITTLE ERROR. Customer (to dairywiiiium): But this is nothing but water that you have given me. Dairy woman: Oh. how foolish! 1 forgot to put the milk in it. A ROOTLESS HI'S JO. "Muller is very much under his wife's thumb, isn't he?" ■Rather! He used to take his boots oil' when he came in from the pub. at night, and so now his wife strews nails all over the door."

AX KXI'UJSIVKU'XCir. -\ passenj;cr ..ntoivd „ railway carriajie already (Villaining „ i„ r „ e llllmb( . r „,- people, a placed will, g1 . ( ,, 1t mn a snm|] valis,. under the scat. '"''''"''■'■■" >"' *<id, "I hope no accident will happen 1,., tliat.- '" VVII - v - wlli "'* "> i'V" **ocl an indiscreet passenger. 'Dynamite- replied (| 1( . ,„.,„ wholv . "I" 1 " !l " '"lids ll«'<l. leaving 1d,,, J,, ,„„. """•'""• :>»'l In- prno.,-,1,,1 In „p,.„ „ vjlTlsi-'-'■iiiainmjr ••ilyimiiiiii.." ami ale his '"'H'li in comfort.IXTHI.MfiKNTE. D-.-cn.li.ijr in,meal haste from the top Sl "'"- V '" : "' ''"l'' l I" catch his (rain, a ,r ' !v ' ,||i ' r t'»»inl when he reached Ihe hall ' '"• h -"l f-i-ffolten his mulirclla. "•'""I Jl" "P to my mom, X„, 37," ]ln '' :l!lr ' 1 lo (l "' '"'"I". "on the, top lli.ihl ■■'» I >ec if ,„v umlaella is in (] u , ( . 01 . m .,.. ; ">'l '«''!"'<* as I have to catch a, train '' li<«.Mle,l upslairs his fastest, ami rel»- I "-illim a ininulc. ' V.-..' he said. -i('s all risrht; it is ;„ (!'• place where you t1.«„,-Jit it was.