WIT AND HUMOUR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 59, 4 May 1907, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Judge; Prisoner, explain how tjiu light began. Prisoner: Like this, Excellency; (Jhceco, who was drunk, suddenly sprang up, exclaiming, "You arc; [ill pigs, dirty pigs—'Judge (interruptinging): Please address yourself to the jury. "At 'lirst," said 'tin: apartment Itouso philosopher, *-1 i If- - in a Mat seems an interesting study of humanity, hut soon you lose your urbanity, pari with your Christianity, and pass by swift change;! from mental inanity into violent insanity.'' The parson's wife had sen; an order for a leg of mutton, and received in reply the following note:—"Dear Jladnm, I have not killed myself this week, but can get you a leg oil' my hroiher if that will do.—Your aneetionale butcher, John Smith." A trolh-y eoilided willi a milk waggon and sent Hie milk splashing on the pavement. .Soon a crowd gathered, "(iooilness," exclaimed a man. ''what an uwfu' wasle!" A very siouf lady turned an.l gl-Mvd a* him. ",iu-t mind your own business." she snapped. A music mas; -r was giving a small boy a. music lesson and saying, "Onetwo—three,'' when lie was intcrrupfocl by the boy's father, who exclaimed: "My dear sir, I pay yon to teach my son music, not how to count!'' "iVc here," -aid the theatrical manager, "you must drop your overbearing behavior toward the oilier memliers of the company.'' 'indeed!'' replied tile leading lady, haughtily. "I'm the star, am I not?" "Well, yes; hut just, remem- I her you're not a fixed star." j ITc: Why do we do the meanest and ( most hateful things to those we love • the best? She: T presume it is because no one else would stand it. I '•'You worked for my elecuon because you thought T was the belter man, did'nt you?" said the official. I ''No*'' iin'swercd Farmer j "(he less of two evils." | Tommy: does your ma hit your foot | under the table when you've had | enough ? |

.Tnlianny: No; that's when I haven't §| lad enough. When I have, she sends for ffi be doctor. H Master: What is the date of the bat- | ,le of Waterloo? 1 Pupil: I don't know, sir. ' 1 Master: it's a simple matter, if yon S laven't a good memory, to employ some K nechanical method to aid you. Tn this $ •;vse for instance, take the twelve apos- jf les, add the half to (heir number, which B nakvs eighteen. Multiply them by 100; | hat makes ISO. Now. take the twelve B apostles again ami add a quarter to B their number which makes fifteen. Add 8 it all together, which makes 1815, the | lab you want. Quite simple, you see, 1 and you can always remember dates by using that system. ' A POSER. He was an impecunious, seedy, out-ijt-thetelbow person, and the. 'doctor, when hi' presribed for him, knew better than to expect a fee. J "For the inflamed eyes," said (he ben- ' evolent physician, "dissolve as much j boraeic acid as you can put on a six- * penny piece in half a gmss of water. '•Thank you doctor," murmured the ;' patient, turning away. A moment .! later, however, the aflice door was open- (■ ed and the patient, sidicil in. j "Say, doc," said he, with an ingrati- [ ating smile, "where do I get the six- i pence?" r