Mrs Bilkins’s Burglar.

Te Aroha News, Volume VII, Issue 472, 17 May 1890, Page 3

Mrs Bilkins’s Burglar.

BY JOHN SHORT. * Pa ! pal’ exclaimed Mrs Bilkins, as she dug her elbow into the ribs of her sleeping husband. * Ugh ! ’ groaned the sleeper ; ‘ what do you want ? ’ ‘ His-sh ! ’ said Mrs Bilkins ; ‘ there’s a burglar in the house.’ ‘ A burglar ! ’ soliloquised her spouse, as the pulled the bedclothes over his head. Go and tell him to clear oub.’ ‘ Hadn’t you better get up and hunt ; for him ; I’m sure I heard a noise.’ ‘ Hunt for him ! Not me; I aint lost no burglars. If you’ve lost any you can go on a hunt while I stay here to guard the jewellery.’ At this juncture a terrific racket was heard somewhere downstairs, and the good woman was in greater alarm than ever. Bilkins lay for a minute thinking. He had NEVER COMMITTED A BURGLARY, but he knew that no thief on earth would rattle things around that way while robbing a house. ‘ It’s a cat or a dog,’ he thought to himself, and then he said aloud, ‘ I believe there is somebody downstairs. I’ll go down and see.’ ‘But you have no weapons, dear. Wouldn’t it be better, after all, to let them take what they want and depart in peace. You might get killed.’ ‘ Suppose Ido ? I’ll die in a good cause. An Englishman’s home is his castle, and the man who wouldn’t fight for his home isn’t worthy of its blessings. Get up, take the candle, and follow me.’ Bilkins said this with fine effect, and his wife began to be proud that she had so brave a husband. Upon reaching the ground floor they visited all the rooms, but found no burglar —not even a cat or the dog. THE DOORS WERE ALL LOCKED and the window securely fastened. Pre" sently the family rat-dog, Snip, was heard to bark in the cellar, and the bark was followed by another commotion amongst the milk cans and jelly pots. Bilkins thought the dog was after rats, but he said to Mrs Bilkins—- ‘ The thieves are in the cellar. Follow me, and I’ll make shorb work of them or die in the attempt.’ * Don’t go, Josiah,’ pleaded Mrs Bilkins. ‘Please don’t go, dear. They might kill you. Run out and call the police.’ 1 Police be hanged !’ said Mr Bilkins. ‘ The burglars would be gone long before a policeman could be found. Let me go! I’m man enough for the whole lot of them. You don’t know me,’ and he dragged Mrs Bilkins after him down the cellar-stairs.

THE DOG HAD ‘ TREED ’ SOMETHING behind a couple of barrels that stood in the far corner of the cellar. ‘ The villains are over there,’ said Mr Bilkins. * Bring the light over, and see me settle their hash.’ With the air of a man who fears no danger Bilkins approached the barrols on the far side from the dog, He was certain now that the noise had been caused by the dog chasing rats, and his courage rose accordingly. ‘ Hold the light up higher, so I can see bo get a fair chance at the scoundrels,’ said Bilkins as he drew near the corner. Bub just as he was preparing to dive behind the barrels there was a grunt, a snort, and a twenty stone pig belonging to one of his neighbours. darted between his legs and upset him. With another snort and a toss of its head the frightened animal pitched Mrs Bilkins over, and the light went oub. ‘ Murder !’ screamed Mrs Bilkins. ‘Now, then!’ yelled Bilkins. ‘Where’s that light gone ?’ ‘ Oh, Josiah, I know my legs are broken.’ ‘Where on earth is that light?’ roared Bilkins, as the dog hunted the pig round the cellar. Mrs Bilkins was just rising, and was going to bell him that the light had been knocked from her hand, when THE I’ORKER JUMPED BETWEEN THE TWO, and dug its horny hoofs into Bilkins’ back, ‘Fire !’ screamed Bilkins. ‘ Help ! help !’ screamed his wife, as the pig bore her round on his back until she fell off amongst the milk pans. ‘Josiah, I know I’m killed ! ’ yelled Mrs Bilkins. ‘ Get a light as quick as you can.’ Bub she didn’t finish the sentence, for the pig again ran between her legs, this time from the rear. Bilkins grabbed the brute by its two ears and held on for dear life. ‘ I’ve gob him ! ’ he shouted, as the pig took him round the cellar at a gallop. ‘ Get a light! Oh !oh ! ’ he screamed, as the dog mistook one of his legs for the pig, and EMBEDDED HIS TEETH IN HIS FLESH. Mrs Bilkins was struggling towards the stairway, when the pig dashed against her, and the three went down in a heap, with the dog on top. The good woman’s hand encountered Snip’s tail, and thinking it belonged to the pig, she clutched it with a vise-like grip. The harder she pulled the deeper sank the dog’s teeth into Bilkins’ calf, and the louder the poor man yelled. ‘ What’s all this about ?’ called oub a voice from the outside of the cellar-door, as the light from a dark lantern illumined the surrounding gloom. ‘You’re waking the whole neighbourhood.’ * Neighbourhood be blowed !’ roared Bilkins, as he recognised the policeman. * Suppose you had a wild boar in your cellar a-ridin’ you and your wife around over hurdles of tin pans, with a bull-terrier a-trying to chaw your leg off—do you think you’d care whether the neighbourhood got up or nob ? Come down here and SHOOT THIS RHINOCEROS !’ A little persuasion from the policeman induced Mr Bilkins and his wife to retire and leave the pig master of the field until morning, when it could easily be driven oub as it had come in. Bilkins says that the next time his wife leaves the back cellar-door open to keep the milk sweet he’ll burn the house down and emigrate to America.