CURRENT TOPICS.

Te Aroha News, Volume VII, Issue 466, 26 April 1890, Page 4

CURRENT TOPICS.

(By Zamirl in Auckland Star.) y Ekeuka ! It is found at last;. For years and year 3 our teetotal friends have been preaching total abstinence from all intoxicating liquors. But their only substitute for the “ poor man’s beci,” or sparkling champagne, or “good old whisky” was ginger pop, or lemonade, or hop beer, or ginger ale, or some other concoetio 11 revolting to the stomach of man, and destructive to his digestivo organs. The cry of the man who liked bis drop of liquor was “Give us something decent to drink instead of our beer or whisky, and we’ll become temperance men. Wo must have something other than water, and wo can’t stand your ordinary temperance drinks. Tea is all very well, but we cannot always get tea at the moment wo want a drink, and we may scald our throats and swear.” But now the temperance orator can point in triumph and say, “ Drink Old Riley.” For it appears that one Riley has discovered how to make a beverage which has all the propet ties of beer except that of intoxicating people. He has given it a long-winded name, but if it has all the virtues claimed for it, and one newspaper man who has interviewed it says it lias those properties—it ■will go down to posterity as “ Old Riley.” Now the teetotaller can go round with his friend ‘‘on the bust,” and paralyse that friend by drinking “long beers” all day, and yet keeping cool and calm, and free from all trace of intoxication. The astonished friend cannot make it out, but when told how it is clone he is sure to bo immediately converted to “ Old Riley.” If this discovery is genuine it will have a greater effect than all the temperance orators, local option bills, or prohibition orders that were ever heard of. It would be a good plan for some of our temperance enthusiasts to purchase the New Zealand rights to the new beverage and let us have it as soon as possible. * * *• * * *

Aucklaad has thus far been happily spared any severo attack of the influenza opidemic, though the weather for some eight or nine days lately was enough to give everybody the “jim-jams.” Everything felt and smelt damp, and if a man only sat down for an hour or so he began to blue-mould. But if the' influenza should happen to come pretty bad I wonder which prescription the sufferers will choose —those awful looking concoctions of tho London doctors, or the simple and pleasant one of the Paris physicians, who advised their patients to take alcoholic drinks nB a preventive. And their patients did take it as a preventive. Men are generally glad at any time of an excuse for a clrink, and “la grippe ” was a regular God send to henpecked husbands. The result of the doctor’s advice was an increase of the number of drunks in one day by 1,400. If tho same average holds in Paris that exists in Auckland, there must have been about 30,000 more roaming around the city doingtheir best to escape the dread disease. What a beautifully lively town Auckland would be if “la grippe” came on bad, and our citizens fell in with the ideas of the Parisian dortors ! Men would be picked tenderly from the gutters bv sneezing policemen, whose sympathetic hearts would throb, as the miry objects cried “ Golla grip. Gimme smore whisky.” And if any dastard, having escaped the attack, should run them in, what could the poor wheezing magistrate do next morning but say “ Ah-chee-hoo 1 Dismissed-choo—-without n—chee—stain—chee-how —on his character.” Many a good old tippler will pray for the influenza to come right along, and come right now.

I noticed fay a cable in the Star a few days ago that the British Admiralty had decided to give colonial names to the new cruisers launched and building for the Australian Naval Station. In this course the Lords of the Admiralty have shown some good sense, for to give hackneyed names such as Pandora, Pelorus, Persian, Phoenix, Psyche, and the rest appears absurd. Still more taste might have been shown in the selection of the new names,for “ Boomerang,” “Katoomba, “ Wullaroo ” or “Karrakatta” will net strike many people as being particularly pretty. The only vessel given a New Zealand name is the originally-christened Phoenix, which is now named the Tauranga. I think if the sapient Lords had only devoted a little thought to the matter they would have found more euphonious and suitable Maori names for the cruisers than any Australian blackfellow-jargon cognomen. But when they select Australian names one wonders why they didn't go into the matter thoroughly and lix on the most formidable-looking appellations to be found in the continent. Why did they overlook that beautiful word Jabbarrawombang, and wherefore recognised they nob the euphony and suitability of Wooloomooloo or Murrum'oidgec ? Did they never hear of Croajingolong, Bnllarook, Karrakooc, or Tallygaroopna ? In what way were they displeased by Warraknabba or Gerangerung ? The classic Buekrabanully surely did nob otl'cnd their taste or their jaws. Is Zamiol to infer that the charms of Yalgogoring or i>i!labong failed to fascinate them, and Burrabudumba, Xoorongong, or Bungganbilla to appeal to the sense of the beautiful and the {esthetic ? I fear it is so. However, there is still time for another rechristening of the cruisers, and Zamiel will bo only too happy to help Their Lordships of the Admiralty in the arduous task as far as lies in his power.

It is singular how history repeats itself. Within the last two years London has been startled by a number of atrocious murders, all of which have been described to an individual Darned “Jack the Kipper.” By-the-way, the police seem to have failed signally in their attempts to sheet home these murders. Zamiel was astonished uo find that iu 17G9 a somewhat similar series of attacks were committed upon women in Lucknow by a man named Ren wick Williams, a'terwards nicknamed “ The Monster.” He was, however, discovered and punished. For a whole year London was to a certain extent excited by the acts of this man. Ho stabbed women in the open street as they were coming home from the opera, and three ladies gave evidence against him at bis trial. It would appear that none of his assaults were attended with fatal results, although he used the knife freely. The monster could give no reason for his inhuman conduct and was sentenced to two years’ imprisonment for each offence, and was also compelled to find two sureties in £2OO each and himself in £IOO that he would keep the peace in the future. Kenwick was not known to have assaulted any man.

Passing down Queen-street one day last week, I noticed a group of men carefully examining a star-shaped flower that presented the appearance of a small starfish. Jwas struck with the fact that each man who smelt that flower once did nob repeat

the operation. To me this appeared peculiar, and my curiosity caused mo to pause and examine the flower. The holder courteously passed it over, and I at once tried to catch its odour. Shade of Mahomet! what a perfume it exhaled 1 I have already remarked that in appearance it wa3 like a starfish, but its scent can scarcely be described. Rotten fish or decompo ed animal matter was as otto of roses in comparison. In fact, the nearest approach to it is a body that has been kept too long awaiting an inquest. ■ I begged that flower and went for a walk. Presently there met me a friend interested in horticulture. He was much struck with the flower and asked where ho could obtain a plant. Then placing it to his nose he said, “ Has it any smell ?” I did not reply, preferring that the thing should speak for itself. So it did, for my friend quietly handed it back and remarked, “I guess mortification has set in.” Later on another friend tried it. Unfortunately, I cannot write what he said, lest the travelling evangelist now in our midst should petition Parliament to have this journal suppressed for using profanity.

An acquaintance of mine, who has just returned from a trip to the Kaipara, says that the practical joker who discovered an embryo gold mine composed of brass filings in a well up at Kaihu, had a gay old time of it with tho doughty “prospectors” of the land of kauri gum and mud flats. This genius, who by the way, conducts an establishment of public refreshment and entertainment, or in other words runs a “pub,” adopted a very simple method of “discovering ” the gold mine which was to fill a uiueh-felt want amongst the povertystriken gumdiggers and bushmen of the Kaipara. He was sinking a well, thinking deeply on the goldfields question, and at last bethought himself of some quartz specimens which occupied a place of honour on bis dining-room mantelpiece. With a fiendish laugh the villain broke one of the largest pieces in two and cleverly inserted some brass filings from his workshop in the interstices, fitting the two bits togehor again in a most innocent-looking manner. The golufieid had been “ planted,” the only thing now remaining was to discover it. The wretch very quietly spread the news in mysterious “strictly confidential” whispers to a few acquaintances, who promised to.be as silent as death until the syndicate was formed to work the “ mine ” —which by the way was not on the joker’s own property, but on land leased from the “ boss ” landowner in the Kaipara.

Tho existing news spread like wildfire, and tho Boniface, more mysterious now than ever, soon had quite a “ rush ” to his establishment. Assembling the prospective gold-diggers in his best parlour, be did the “ Friends, Romans, Countrymen” business for a while, expatiating eloquently on New 7 Zealand goldfields and goldmining in general, and tho future Kaipara gold mines in particular. The feelings of his audience roso to feverheight as the enterprising prospector unlocked a safe in the corner of the room and took therefrom a piece of quartz which indicated a run of something like a thousand ounces to the ton or so. “This, my friende,” said he, in a voice husky with emotion, “is the stone. I have just sent some down to Auckland for testing, but in the meanwhile we shall test this ourselves. I don’t know how it wiil shape, bub I’ll break it and we’il all see.” With a tremendous effort he broke the quartz in two, and the delighted audience could scarcely believe their eyes. Jerusalem ! The nuggets of Bendigo and Ballarat were nothing to it. There right before their wondering orbs lay the purest of gold, the precious yellow metal which was to make the Kaipara a millionaire manufactory straight away. There was a yell of excitement, and the “ boss ” was declared to be a benefactor to his country.

Than mysterious whispers went round as all pledged themselves to secrecy, and “ the syndicate ” was the only theme of conversation of the “prospectors.” For three days that Boniface had his house full of hilarious bushmen, gumdiggers, and other assorted specimens of humanity, shouting praises of the “ boss,” and long beers for each other. Then, alas ! came the rude awakening. Some passing good Samaritan took the trouble to undeceive tho crowd, and didn’t get thanked for his pains. Then the boys went for the “ boss,” who was, poor fellow, quite dumbfounded to find that the “gold” was not gold after all. He sorrowfully implored them not to go back on him. He had done his best to discover a goldfield for the Kaipara, but had failed. They shouldn’t be hard on a man when he was down, and this was such a blow to his fond hopes. The crowd weren’t satisfied, bub they dispersed sadly. The next time a goldfield is discovered up Kaipara way those boys won’t be in it, at any rate, not if it’s in a well.

Dear reader, whether of the male or the female gender, I wish to ask you a personal question. It has no reference to your age, your financial position, or the influenza ; but—now keep cool—have you a crooked nose ? Oh, yes ; I know you think me impudent, ungentlemanly, and all that. Perhaps, however, when I tell you that a remedy has been discovered for noses which are out of the perpendicular, your anger will cool somewhat. Here is the remedy :—“ A nose machine. Applied to the nose for an hour daily, so directs the soft cartilage of which the member consists, that an ill-formed nose is quickly shaped to perfection. Of course, few people with a wry nose care to admit the fact; at least, if they do, they usually resort to the old palliative that it is not as crooked as Miss Thingembob’s or Mr Brown’s, as tho case may be. Still it would nob surprise me to learn that even in Auckland some of those who could nob with a feeling of safety “ follow their nose,” say on a wharf, will be sending post-haste for u nose machine, with a sccretlij-paclced pamphlet.

One great advantage of this no c e machine consists in the fact that the ladies will be able to adapt their nasal organ to that style which, for the time, is considered most aristocratic. Thus, should the Prin cess of Wales take it into her noble bead to lead the fashion in this respect, all tho ladies who wish to be bon (on will be enabled to follow suit. Somebody may think that the gentle ones would not go to such a ridiculous extreme; but when we remember that they have been found only too ready to assume a limping gait and a lithping mode of thpeeeb, there is no saying how far the fair-faces would go in regard to a fashionable nose. It has been said that one might as well be out of the world as out of the fashion, and most ladies practically endorse the statement by tog-ging-up in the very latest style, whether it be an improvement or not. They are content if it is “ the fashion.”

What a picture a lady would present with one of the nose-straightening machines in action, especially if her beloved Sophroniuß should chance to catch sight of her ! And there are more unlikely things than

that. The honso might tako fire, or there might be an earthquake or something. I would therefore advise those ladies who may contemplate purchasing one of the nose machines to first ascertain how long it takes to remove the instrument, and whether there is any danger of a person in a hurry removing the whole nasal organ as well as the machine; so that in case of sudden necessity the wearer may be able to put tho “ best face ” possible on the calamity. To rush out of the bouse with one of the machines in position at a time when the light is hazy, might havo a disastrous effect upon people with nervous temperaments or of superstitious tendency. Everybody knows it might.

lb is generally presumed that “ larrikinism ” and its attendant evils flourish in the haunts of the poor and needy. The plea hitherto pub forward has boon that the primary cause is lack of education, and a bleeding country has long since elaborated a scheme whereby it is hoped to stamp out the pest, even though many years roll over our heads in the interim. Judging by various acts that from time to time come to light, it is not alone tho indigent and ignorant who offend, but also those moving on the very upper crust of society, and who nob only should, but do know better. These young “ blcods ” would be very much insulted if characterised as anything but gentlemen, and yet they do what no gentleman would ever dream of.

Take for instance, a little episode of last week. There had been a very aristocratic “At Homo,”and of course all the eligibles wore present in full force. At or near the conclusion of the festivities, a party of “curled darlings ” sallied forth and wended their festive way citywards. Having looked very much and often on the wino when it was red, they were elevated—nob to pub too fine a point upon it, and included in the crowd was a “gentleman ” from a windy city, who was absolutely “ sweating for a real good lark, doncherknow.” However, nothing hove in sight—not even an unprotected female—and the souls of all were sick and sorry until they came near unto a monumental mason’s yard. The ghostly array of tombstones, headstones, railings, cb cetera, had its due effect, and atter haranguing these silent sentinels of the dead, the youth wdio had been “sweating for a lark” actually proceeded to demolish one of the pieces of statuary. And then what think you did he do? He fled, with his brother larrikins close at his heels. And so they ran, until this curled darling of fashion found himself safe in the arms of a policeman, who likewise detained the other members of the party until ho saw “ what was up.”

By this time the owner of the damaged statuary was on the scene, and then the faces of some of these vandals assumed a “cast iron grave” appearance, whilst others looked as if they had been hewn in stone, in fact “the marble man” would have been nowhere alongside them. To condense matters, the owner agreed to accept a sum of money for the damage, and tho youths were allowed to depart after certain stipulations had been made. There are several little points in this episode that will bear thinking about, and while my readers are pondering over this random shot and making many surmises as to who has been hit, I will take the opportunity of rising to again remark that larrikinism and its attendant evils flourish in other haunts than those of the poor and needy, who haven’t the money wherewith to escape from the penalties of their misdeeds.