CURRENT TOPICS.

Te Aroha News, Volume VII, Issue 461, 9 April 1890, Page 6

CURRENT TOPICS.

(By Zamiel in Auckland Star.) THEjubileeaurplus has gradually dwindled down from an imaginative £3OO or more to a severely matter-of-fact £2Ol 7s lOd. The Committee of Management have taken upon - themselves the elucidation of the problem of what is to be done with the surplus, and the subscribers, who, no doubt, anticipated ■ \ this little bit of pleasure themselves, have been left in the position of interested spectators. That, however, is a small matter compared with the adoption of some sensible scheme for utilisation of the Jubilee - surplus, small as it has' become, in the establishment of some lasting memorial of the event, in the celebration of which the more substantial portion of the money was disposed of. *** * * * * * . *

At the first attempt made by the Jubilee Managing Committee to wrestle with the surpliTs problem, they a ppear to have failed ignominiously. The chairman started the ball rolling by suggesting a picnic. A picnic is frequently suggestive of a “ bust, ’ and, in the order of things, a number of suggestions were immediately made in the “ bust ” line. From Her Majesty the Queen, the discussion was passed on to Chptain Cook, and thence to Captain Hobsod, but these distinguishsd claimants to the honour were completely overshadowed by a galaxy of minor claimants, such as the old people in the Refuge, the Poultry Association, etc., and in the end the solution of the problem was as far off as ever. *** * * * * * *

The discussion has been deferred for a season, probably to give the genius of Auckland time to worry out a few more ideas, and commence afresh a news- • paper discussion on the subject. I feel tempted to invite suggestions for the disposal of this surplus, but I hesitate, being fearful of the consequences. I will start by bestowing a gentle bint to the effect that this is not a prize conundrum. Also I would venture to suggest that the whole of the columns in the Star are not at my disposal. Finally, drop the argumentative part of the business and let us have the suggestions pat, in a couple of lines at the outside, and then there may be found room for an interesting list which, headed or tailed, as the case may be, by Zamiel’s own ideas on the subject, may go considerably towards the assistance of those upon whose shoulders has fallen the self-imposed task of selecting a suitable object whereon they may expend this sur--P luo -

Prince Bismarck has resigned, and yet the German Empire has not collapsed, nor the peace of Europe been shattered. A few years ago the resignation of the man of Blood and Iron was a thing that was looked forward to with dread. Many affected to believe that the great Chancellor, who was instrumental in welding together the German Empire, was the only man capable of holding it intact. In the space of a few years the great William died, and his noble son followed him to the tomb ; but the iron-willed Chancellor still remained unmoved and apparently untouched by the changing years. Then the young Kaiser ascended the throne, and it was confidently predicted that Bismarck’s power would be greater than ever. It is “ the unexpected ” that most frequently happens, and so it proved in this case. But a few months pass away, and we find the great man quietly retiring from public life. Refusing any fresh honours on the score of poverty, we learn that the old man is setting to work to write his memoirs. Unfortunately, in a life like his it will be just that which is not written that would have been most interesting, but we must rest content with what he discloses. A few years ago George R. Sims wrote a prophecy in verse’ as to what would happen when Bismarck resigned. One verse reads : "That night, the true New Zealander arrived with carpet bag. And on the ruins o£ a world he stuck his native flag; , ... . And there alone he smokes his pipe and whispers to the wind— It’s very lonely here at night now Bismarck has resigned.” *** * * * •» * * A little yarn, savouring of the kirk and “kists o’ whustles,” comes from an upcountry township in a remote part of the Auckland district, whose inhabitants are “ maistly Scots.” It seems that the douce Caledonian congregation of the place had just erected one of those born-like structures which Scots all over the world delight in building as places of worship, and they were daily expecting the meenister, worthy mon ; but one thing was wanting —they had no music. True, some of them could “skirl the saums,” but what they needed was aD organ—mot a mere compromise in the shape of a harmonium. So the elders laid their heads together, and settled on their organ. The bona fide “ kist ” was ignored as too expensive, besides which reason there was another very potent one—there was no one to play it. So it was solemnly resolved after much cogitation to import one of those dulcettoned instruments known as barrel-organs. “I ken richt weel it isna a fushionable eenstrument,” the senior elder solemnly announced, “bub then ye maun conseeder we’re ahint the time gin we canna mak some music i’ the kirk.” All agreed with this deliverance, and the organ was procured. It was a “ muckle bonnie ane,” as the elder remarked jubilantly, and he offered then and there to turn the handle for a fortnight just “tae get his haun in,” prior to a permanent organist being appointed. Twelve right good “ saum ” tunes the organ boasted,beginning with the“oldHundred ”in a manner which brought tears to the eyes of the oldest and most whiskyfied sinner in the crowd assembled at the preliminary canter in the church porch. It went through the whole programme without a fault, although, as one Scot remarked, it would “ mak the service muckle lang.” But there was one thing that rather took the more staid of them aback, and that was the closing hymn, which was the familiar “ Auld Lang Syne.” ** M. Jt * * # *

There was much shaking of heads and drawing of “ dour ” countenances over this. One grave Hieland man held that Bobbie Burns’s tune was a “ downricht sinfu’ jingle.” However, it was at last agreed that “Auld Lang Syne” would form an appropriate finish to a kirk service, and a good many were won over to the opinion that it was a “soond” Presbyterian air in asm u ch . as there was something about whiskv in it. S» it was settled, and the kist ■was set up in state underneath the roughhewn pnlpit in the church ready for action. But the worthy congregation were never to hear that bonnie instrument of torture m full Bwing, nor to behold the grey-bearded elder, with a smirk of intense satisfaction, toiling at the “haunle,” grinding out theancient saums—for the meenister arrived fresh from Dunedin and its halo of sanctity. He was genuinely shocked to see such a frivolous thing, more like a churn than a righteous church organ, occupying a po3t of honour in the kirk, and so the joy and pride of the good elders had to go. A modest

harmonium now fills the place of the erstwhile treasure of the congregation, but it is rumoured that oft in the stilly night the sweet sounds of a barrel organ in full blast may be heard issuing from the senior elder s backwood mansion.

*** * * *** . „ At one of Mr Henry Varley’s evangelistic services last week a friend of mine was put in rather an awkward fix. Mr-Varley, after an earnest and affecting prayer, had called on all who felt the weight of sin and the grace of the Lord to rise up and testify the same. A number of people began to rise up just as my .friend, having another “meeting” to attend, was about to grab for his hat, and leave the room. When he saw the people rise up to testify he daren’b get up, in case it should be thought he wanted to confess his manifold iniquities. Theso iniquities he knew, but he ie a hardened sinner, and was not affected by Mr Varley. But his best girl was outside waiting on the corner for him, and what was he to do? For fear of being thought a converted sinner he dare not rise, and for fear of offending his dearie he dare not stay. And there that young man sat and fidgetted for thirty solid minutes, while over 30 penitents rose to exhibit their change of heart. He grew hot and cold by turns, and. at last in desperation seized his hat and. stick and bolted ignominously. What his fair enslaver said is buried in his bosom.

The “ mimbers av’ the foorce ” ar troubled in their minds regarding th legal examination which the inexorable Commissioner demands that each man shall try to pass. The men, no doubt, think that 7s per day is scarcely the rate of remuneration at which legal knowledge should be expected. Neither is it to be expected that constables out of the pay they receive can afford to purchase the legal works requisite to coach them in the knowledge necessary to answer the legal conundrums propounded. The Department does nob provide books excepting afew,jActs forwarded to constables in out stations", and therefore it will be seen that the average constable is somewhat unpleasantly situated. The trouble is, that perhaps those men who do succeed in passing may be placed first on the list for promotion, and if such is the case it becomes a serious matter for men who have grown grey in the service, trusting that in course of time they might get a step higher provided that theyalwaysperformedtheirduty. Such men, though perhaps able from long practice to do all that may be required in the way of duty, may still, for want of meane, be precluded from any possibility of passing the examination. The result might be that young fellows coming fresh into the force would pass, be promoted, and step over the heads of long-service men, although perhaps in regular police duty they might be absolutely lacking knowledge. It cannot but be admitted that it is necessary that constables should possess a certain amount of legal knowledge, but it is hard to place the men in the position of the Israelites in Egypt, who were commanded to make bricks without straw. Yet that is what it amounts to when a poor man. is commanded to learn law without being furnished with books.

That the questions are somewhat severe is admitted even by the gentlemen of the law, and, in fact, so fully is this recognised, that one gentleman has laid himself out to cram constables for the next examination. This is not, however, a matter of philanthropy, though, being a lawyer, that might have been taken for granted. The fact is that he naturally oxpects his pupils to pay him, and how a constable at 7s or 8s per day is to keep himself, a wife and family, and pay for attending these classes, it is hard to tell. The men have, however, the consolation of knowing .that if they do succeed they can then go on a little further, and try for the barrister and solicitor examination. This would then open up to them a new avenue of employment, where the prizes are even greater than that of a commissionerahip, barring the uniform. Zamiel has a prejudice in favour of officers leading the way, and he would modestly suggest that the Commissioner should go first, and when he has successfully passed the examination the Inspector might follow, and so on through the various grades until Robert himself is reached. When that has been done I feel sure that our guardians of the peace will feel that if some of those ahead of them pass there is some chance of success for themselves. At all events they could nob object after their officers had led the wav.

Mrs Zamiel gob quite a fright the other night. Just after tea, her better half went out to see a friend in Ponsonby on some business. This friend is a most hospitable person, and when our business was concluded he insisted on my trying some cider of his own make. I tried it, to my sorrow. Bub I grinned and bore it; and as a reward, I suppose, he gave me some apples to take home. As I went along 1 took one out to eat, and with my usual luck struck a green one, bub like the small boy, I stuck to it, though my teeth were on edge. I gob home all right, but after an hour or two the trouble began, and I groaned and twisted and squirmed in horrible agony. Mrs Z. immediately flewintoan agony of sympathy. I bad before tea been reading to her from the paper all about the dreadful “La Grippe” and its ravages in London and elsewhere. From symptoms she believed I had “ La Grippe,” and was about .to send for the doctor and a bottle of whisky, and some sulphate of iron, and oranges, and carbonate of ammonia, and nitrate of potash, and hydrobromic acid, and I dnre say prussic acid, and a dozen of the other articles recommended by eminent London physicians, only that I explained my experiences of cider and green apple. Such a disgusted woman you never saw.

In those days of pianos and the multiplicity of pianists, when everybody who has the shadow of a voice, and thousands who have not even that small recommendation to the privilege of being permitted to interpret (or murder) good music, it is a real refresher to learn that there is at least one teacher in Auckland, who considers her reputation sufficiently to say “ nay ” when asked to undertake the instruction of pupils that may be lacking in those qualities which give promise of their being able to attain a creditable proficiency in the art. Such a lady does exist in one of our suburbs, and though her action may involve a pecuniary sacrifice in the first instance, she will undoubtedly reap a substantial reward in the future. There may be more than one of our professional musicians who maintain the same independence, but this is the first time the matter has been brought prominently- under my notice, and ' in the interests of suffering humanity. I hasten to express eternal gratitude to the initiator of this much-to-be-desired reform. I Sincerely hope our teachers of music will take pattern by the example quoted, so that the divine

art may, in a corresponding degree, make more real progress in our midst. There may be a decrease in the piano trade and in the demand fcr music, bub that portion of . the public who neither play pianos nor indulge in vocal exercises will have much to be thankful for, while true talent will continue as of old to find its way to the top of the tree.