CURRENT TOPICS.

Te Aroha News, Volume VII, Issue 434, 4 January 1890, Page 5

CURRENT TOPICS.

(By Zamiel in the ‘ Auckland Star.”

That burglar scare has had the effect of increasing the vigilance of our Auckland housewives, and doors and windows are locked that never had been secured before. In some homes, I hear, the doors have of late all been barricaded as if to resist a siege, and sundry paterfamilias have loaded up their rusty old muzzle-loaders brimful of salt, vowing to die with a capital D rather than surrender the family sewing machine, gridiron, or hearthrug, and all else they hold dear, to the base midnight marauder. From evils good things often spring, and one of the beneficial effects of the burglar alarm has been to induce certain gay hubbies to return home from the lodge before midnight; for they know full well that if they come “ rolling home in the morning ” at two or three o’clock they stand an exceedingly good chance of being peppered with shot by some wakeful one while endeavouring to discover a keyhole that had been removed from next door.

In one model home that “ Zamiel ” wots of the lady of the house invariably returns to her couch with a Fijian club handy, in case of emergencies, while the athletic daughter, lovely Aramanda, declares that she would be murdered in her sleep unless she had her beloved Indian clubs and a log of firewood under her virgin pillow, wherewith to alarm the dreaded burglar by sending them smash through the window. Another housewife Has a different and very original method of protection against burglars. She lives at Northcote yes, the alarm of “ burglars ” has even reached that sequestered and breezy resort of lovers ot strawberries and cream. Each evening this watchful matron places a large tub full of spring water at each of the doors of the house, in the belief that the progress of the vile miscreant will thus be effectually arrested, and goes to bed feeling assured that at any rate the dreaded prototype of Bill Sykes will have a pretty cool reception, automatic and self-acting.

Scares are said to be of very frequent occurrence, and everybody whom the burglar is not going to attack is keeping on the alert. It is very dangerous for anyone to go up to a friend’s house if that friend be a bib timorous, unless he take care to whistle' or make some noise. But if he moves up quietly to the house it is ten to one that the first greeting is a whack with a stick or seizure by the throat. My triend Jueeins nearly had a severe experience of tins kind tne ocner aay; -tiv n.o U in the country, and last Friday came to town to sell some wool. He had a considerable quantity of wool for sale, and got a halfpenny per lb more than he expected. The resulcwas that his heart swelled with friendship for various people, and he looked not wisely but too often on the beer when it was yellow and the whisky when it was fiery. The result was that he missed his train home, and when I met him, about 10 p.m., he was looking for some where to rest his head. My venerable housekeeper was away that night from my bachelor’s establishment. I therefore gave my key to Juggins to go to my place and stop for the right. He thanked me profusely and went off.

Bub when he got into my street he forgot the number of the house, and went with unsteady gaic up to the house he thought mine. Some bachelors live in that house, one an advanced pupil of Professor Carrollo, and the other a veteran oarsman. They heard what they thought the stealthy steps coming up to the house, for Juggins was walking with great care to avoid spilling himself over our flower beds. One seizing a poker and the other a large Indian club, they waited with significant glances and great quiet, preparing for action just as Juggins put the latch-key in the lock. Bub he found it impossible to fool that lock, and at last turned away in disgust to try the next house. As they heard the steps recede from the house, the two inside, fearful of being baulked of thenprey, clashed out after the villain, just in time to see poor Juggins miss the step and go out into bhe street with a sudden dive. They picked him up tenderly, but finding who he was, led him to my house. Now they swear to kill the burglar if lie comes around. , • :

Tim Doolan writes : Dear Zamiel, —I relisha joke atall times, biibwithakeenerzest when I discover one in some unexpected quarter. A local paper has the following : —“ Yesterday while Mr W, Thorne was out driving in his buggy in. Symonds-street, the animal took fright through some cause or other aud gob its leg over the bar.‘ Both the occupants were thrown out. Mr Thorne received no ! injuries, but his servant got a slight wound on the head. • The shaft of the • buggy was broken and it was removed to Cousin atid Atkiii’s for repairs.” I confess that on reading the abovo I felt-slightly bewildered. . “ Mr Thorne was driving in Ins bugoy when the animal took I 'fright. 1 ' What animal? Surely not Mr Thorne ; did the fun-poking localisb mean the buggy? “And got its leg over the bar;’ > What bar? which bar?’ There are three bars in Symondsstreet which'' is referred to ? Besides, Mr Thorne would : not' put ‘‘ his leg ” over any of them, but ho has two'ilegs, 1 which further slumps the.- Now vVhich leg is intended ? or if the buggy is referred to as M'th’e fimmal,” I ask whereabouts areitslegs situated ? and why did it “put its leg over the bar Both the 'occupants Were thrown'out." Out of where ? Out bi"' the ; ’bar ? -"What occupants? Occupants of what? The bar of the buggy ? If the former, who wasthechuckerout, and who were the chucked—thelandlord and the "barman, or the buggy and Mr Thorne ? These matters require - elucidation. “ Mr Thome received no injuries , but his servant got a slight -wound on the . head." “ His' servant !” Oh 1 ! this'is too much mixed, and hopelessly complicates the previous tjues ,'tion#' ; ;„ .j .; l4?«£K :

‘ But tlie pathos conies in the lasFthree lines of the par—“ The shaft pfthebuggy was broken , and it was removed to Cousin and Atkins tor repairs .” Here is sublime tenderness; here is an episode in tho horrible catastrophe which appeals to the hearts of sentimental humanity. The wounded head is jauntily passed over ; perhaps it was also left at Cousin and Atkin’s for repairs. Let me hope so. “ The shaft of the buggy was broken .” -Had it only one shaft, or can it be that, like the servant, its poll was broken, or was it the shaft and not its leg it put over the bar and so broke it? And again, mystery of mysteries, why did it or the animal or anything or anybody “ put its Jeg over the bar?” I give it up in despair; but I cannot dismiss the awful puzzle without pointing out that the localist omitted one main item at the end, which should run thus: “ Messrs Cousin and Atkin were promptly in attendance, and set the injured limb. The suffering patient was at once removed to their private hospital in Elliotb-street, and under careful nursing and skilful treatment is now progressing favourably.” During the day many friends called at the hospital to see the patient, but were refused admission, as the utmost quiet was absolutely necessary to ensure a speedy recovery.

Why is it that ninety-nine out of every hundred men in this fair city feel an irresistible impulse to prescribe for a cold, advise the editor of a newspaper, bet on a horse-race,murder a football umpire,or pick a thread off another man’s coat ? I am sure I do not know, and, moreover, feel morally certain that nobody does know, for if you ask the question the invariable reply is—“Oh, I suppose it’s human nature.” But this picking a thread off another man’s coat: it seems only natural that if you see a piece of cotton on the garment named and you happen to be on intimate terms with the man thus inllictecl you will at once make an effort to relieve him of the necessity of looking at it, and thus one of the most ludicrous “catches” from America has been acclimatised here.

My first introduction to it was some weeks back, when in company with a dear and valued friend I was talking to a man just out from America. Suddenly my friend caught hold of the Yankee and said, “I beg pardon, bub there is a thread on your shoulder.” He then commenced to haul on that thread amidst much excitement, for in less time than I can write ho had about five yards of white cotton on his hands, and the little knot of onlookers were momentarily expecting to see the man from America undergo a sort of lightning change. For my part, I asked them to close round, in case his coat dropped oft him altogether, but just at this stage he placed his hand in his inside breast pocket, and pulled outareelof white thread, measuring at least two hundred yards. Surveying it briefly, he handed- it to my friend, saying, “ Here, take all the thread you require ; I hate to see a man go short of anything, even if I want myself.” For the benefit of the uninitiated I may add that tfie reel of thread reposes in the inside pocket of the manipulator, while the end is run through the coat just at theshoulderand allowed to nestle in a most insinuating manner, so that it is sure to attract attention. You should try this on one of your impulsive friends, and then ask him what he thinks “ human nature ” had to do with the very foolish appearance he will have for a few moments.

I have heard many stories told in connection with the Salvation Army—some humorous, others pathetic, but mostly all redounding to their credit as a body that at any rate strive to do good. In the days of their earlv .formation in Auckland, when they, so to spemv,-—», LuUnotheir lights under a bushel, when the only means of giving vent to their pent up feelings ivas by word of mouth, they had but few scoffers or backsliders; but now, since they have been getting on in the world and have seen fit to raise a brass band of their own, the enthusiasm does nob reach fever heat somehow. The cause of this effect is owing to the heartbreaking and harrowing sounds emitted from the different instruments, not forgetting the big drum solo or obligato, both by the way being good of their kind. I say the enthusiasm there used to be amongst onlookers and near residents has somewhat cooled,

This is instanced by an episode that occurred during the week where an old man was lying on what was ptesumed to be his death bed. By his side sab his faithful wife, the partner of his joys and sorrow's through many years. She was holding his clammy hand in hers and forcing back the tears that ever and anon coursed down her furrowed cheeks. She spoke many words of comfort and hope, but ho felt the chill hand, and turned his weary eyes up to bho face of he pale, wan watcher in mute appeal. Then he spoke :—“ Ah, dear wife, the end is near, the world grows cold and dark about me, there is a mist before my—but hark ! What was that ? I hear the voice of angels sweet and sad !” Here his wife interrupted him and said dear, that’s the Salvation Army band !” “ What ?” said tho dying one, “ Have they dared to parade past here when they know lam dying? Give me my bootjack—l’ll let them see.” And in a tow'ering rage he jumped from hia bed, opened the window that bad been closed for weeks, and hurled the bootjack at the fast-retreating Army. He didn’t hit anyone, and he didn’t “shuffle off this mortal coil;” and such is one more story redounding to the credit of a body that in this instance did a lob of good without being cognisant of it, for the old man is an estimable citizen, and my readers know him well. :

Our new Mayor is by no means lacking in originality, as witness the “Uptonian Sunday ” which created such a lively newspaper discussion some time back. .Mr Upton has been making inquiries concerning the most desirable period of time over which the Christmas school vacation should be allowed to continue, and he has come to the conclusion that thebqys should have holidays tor just as long as will make them thoroughly sick of them, and rather more anxious, than otherwise to return to school. Mi- Upton threw out this suggestion at the last meeting of the Grammar School Board of Governors, and whether for this or other reasons, the Board decided not to curtail the Christmas vacation.'' 'V . ' • .. , '' '

The boys should rejoice in having such a champion in the Mayoral chair to watch over their interests as well as the interests of 1 their parents; ° But the parents, as a 'rule,' are anxious to have. the' holiday term curtailed. I don’t know myself, but I have heard it. whispered that paren ts find it rather >a ; nuisaheetb liaVe./the whole family home frome’chool for;a eoup’e. of months about Christmas time,' would much’ prefer that the teachers. , should, keep their pupils and their exuberance careful in check for ‘a considerable part of the ime ' now included in' the Christmas atjonl. The

parents reckon that the teachers are paid for this sort of thing, and some of their number would insist on getting the full value of their money if possible ; but as a matter of fact the teachers are not paid for the holiday term. They look upon the Christmas vacation as a matter of right, and would probably inform anxious inquirers that according to the terms of their engagement they are entitled to this somewhat” extensive period of rest, after the terrible worry of the pa&fc year. Not being a family man, I cannot venture to say whether boys are a nuisance at homo during the holidays or not.

Beloved reader, are you a believer in church bazaars, sales of work, Christmas trees, and kindred methods of raising the wind for impecunious Bethels ? It doesn’t matter particularly whether you are or not, any way,but Zamiel feels constrained to let you know that lie’s “dead agin’ them.” Zamiel, notwithstanding his grave and reverend appoarance ana his staid bachelordom, cannot at times resist the impulse to indulge in reckless dissipation, and one of these uncontrollable attacks had him in its toils a few evenings ago. He sauntered forth from his dwelling and wended his way to a certain bazaar, sale of "work, Christmas tree and host of other “ fakes as rare Ben Jonson might say—combined. Scarcely had he entered the front door of the hall wherein the devote ones were holding high revel and raking in the dollars, when a beauteous damsel, arrayed in purple and tine linen and tan shoes, pounced upon him excitedly and informed him that he was going to buy agigintic wedding-cake, terribly iced arid frosted, which she bore. Zamiel surveyed the cake mildly, and meekly protested that he was a respectable bachelor who had long ago given up all such frivolities, and had no intention of so far committing himself as to require a bridal cake, and suggested apologetically that the damsel had mistaken him for perhaps a young man with “ intentions.”

The siren became more importunate, and poor Zamiel, as a last resource, cxpiringly turned out his trouser pockets, and revealed to the fair one’s gaze a general emptiness the cash was elsewhere “conealed on his pur-rson,” as Paddy would say. Zamiel admired her pertinacity—it was all for the sake of the Church, of course—but thought, as the charmer pouted at him and sped away to another victim, that if things were proportionately deuced queer inside he would be a ruined man—financially speaking—before he reached his homo again. Strange to say, he did manage to come out unscathed with the loss of a few bawbees, but he says “never again for Zamiel.” The return he secured for his expenditure was a mysterious article of infant’s motheaten underclothing and a couple of baby's bootees —and even these were useless, for they were odd ones. Zamiel took them calmly enough, as he could not make out what they were really until he showed them to a friend next day, but now he thinks of it he fancies he noticed a sarcastic smile on the countenance of the angel in white robes and eau de-nil gloves or chapeau en suite or something of the sort, who handed it to him off the Christmas tree. Zamiel will keep those small articles by him—one never knows what may turn up in the future. Zamiel’s experience, however, was hardly such as that of an otherwise respectable member of the local police force, who has unfortunately lately developed a mania for getting rid of his spare florins in sales of work, bazaais, Christmas trees, and such like places of dissipation. This young man attended one of these affairs lately, and when his turn for a prize from the tree came he stood proudly and dauntlessly forth in the front row. The boy on the burning deck was nothing to him. Then a —-«« .fame over the spirit of his dream. A giggling young out from the shadow of the bogus Christmasbearing in her arms what at first sight ° appeared to be a bouncing infant in the usual long clothes, The ivorthy “bobby” stood aghast. He had expected all sorts of good things, but the idea of being presented with a real live baby—and he a respectable bachelor—was what dumbfounded him. He gazed for a moment, then turned up his coat-collar with a shudder, and hurriedly “ vamoosed the ranche.” Then there was merriment in the hall of revelry, the mischievous young damsels laughed long and loudly, for the “ baby ” was merely a doll, a good-sized ono it was true, quite enough to scare any sojourner in the state of single-blessedness. It is stated that that constable has reformed, as the result of his experience of the ethics of sales of work; and has sworn off such frivolities for all time.