CURRENT TOPICS.

Te Aroha News, Volume VII, Issue 415, 30 October 1889, Page 6

CURRENT TOPICS.

(By Zamikl in the • Auckland Star,")

It is very creditable to the police force of this colony that the authorities do not find it necessary to go outside the ranks for men of scholarly attain" mentB to whom the work of keeping the books and records of the department can be entrusted. Every station possesses some, at least, of such men, and they, being placed in positions of responsibility, are exempted from street duty and other police duties, though they wear the uniform of constables. This is as it should be, bub unfortunately there is no encouragement for superior men of this class to join the force, for they receive only the same rate of pay as the man who has no idea above the " running in " of a drink or the summoning of a carter for having no chain on the wheel of his vehicle. ♦** * * * * * * Occasionally, too, duties are allotted to the constables doing clerical work which ' a man keeping a set of books in an office would never dream of performing. Thus a desirable class of officers are lost to the force, and the standard is lowered. Probably there is no Inspector in the colony more jealous of the prestige of the force than our own Inspector Broham, and yet I am sure he' would be astonished to hear that the clerk in charge of the guard room is compelled to whitewash the prison cells at frequent intervals in addition to his ordinary duties of keeping a set of books, preparing charge sheets, etc. Two lawyers having business in the guard room the other day were astonished to find the books and papers taking care of themselves, while the officer in charge was subsequently discovered in a remote cell smothered with whitewash, and performing duties hitherto allotted to hard - labour prisoners. It is to the credit of Inspector Broham that he has, during his years of management, endeavoured to raise the status of the force, but when such duties are required of a man who is also keeping the books, and evidently without the inspector's knowledge, how can men of any educational ability be exptcted to join or remain in the force 1 * * * *■ *■ * * ■* ♦ " Why, oh, why don't the people come and attend our Synod sessions, and improve their knowledge of the interior workings of our noble church ?" plaintively wailed a parson at a meeting of the Anglican Diocesan Synod in Bishop?court, on a recent evening. The whole Synod looked "drefful" solemn, and the Bishop shook his head sadly, till the Rev. Mr Beatty remarked thoughtfully, " Why, indeed ! It's not half so far as Potter's Paddock." Echo answers Why? The Rev. Beatty's guileless comparison of the rival " gaffs ' —the Synod and the football matches — rather tickled the august members of the reverend body, and even ths Archdeacons present unmasked their slumberous orbs and endeavoured to raise a smile. Nyes, as the " way- back " Yankee remarked of the churches, " Wall, for a free show theredon't seem to be much of. a rush." There certainly is not much of a rush amongst the Christians of Auckland to ecclesiastical meetings of this sort. Perhaps seeing the mania the Synod has for appointing committees •« to inquire into and report upon" every conceivable subject, important or not, it might not be amiss to ask why they failed to appoint a committee to inquire into the undue competition between that secular Potter's Paddock and the grave assembly in Bishopscourt. * * *• * * * * + TThat was a very happy suggestion made at the laat meeting of the Auckland Educational Institute, which was classed in the Institute's minutes as ••Information for M.H.R.V The North Canterbury branch of the Institute most thoughtfully wrote asking the Auckland branch to co-operate with them in the laudable work of keeping our noble members of Parliament posted up in educational matters by supplying them free, gratis, with a copy of a monthly educational magazine. The Institute laid their heads together in solemn debate over the engrossing topic of supplying our Parliamentary "slang-whangers" with fitting literary pabulum, and at length Mr Bailey rose, with an expression more of sorrow than of anger, and characterised the well-meant proposal as absurd. It would be far more fitting, feeling and graceful an act, he aaid, to present them with a copy of the Bible. The rest of the room stnole a simultaneous, saddened smile, silent bub expressive. * # » They were all well aware, as Zamiel is, that all our hard-working and straightforward legislators don't know in the way of general goodness and virtue isn't worth teaching. Some of them thought it was casting rather too much of a slur upon the members to infer that they were quite ignorant of the contents of the book. No one expects an M.H.R. to be '• up " in the whole of the sayings and doings of Mo3es and Ananias and the rest of the respectable old patriarchs detailed in the volume. Still there is no doubt room for improvement in the Scripture knowledge of the seventy-nine who periodically cast recriminations on each other in the big wooden building at Wellington, for to my mind it faeems pretty certain that some of the members would feel " sorter at home " in a greater degree doing their wonted duty in the interior of the historic Bellamy's than they would perusing the Bible. There is, perhapp, a vein of gentle irony in the suggestion of a school - teacher to formally present the M.H.R.'s with a Bible, seeing that this is the book which the Legislature decides shall not be used as a text- book in the public schools. May be the moulder of the juvenile mind who made that recommendation was at heart one of the " Bible-in-schoois " party, and sought, in order do aid the introduction ot the book' into the public schools, to first of all familiarise the members of the House, individually and collectively, with the nature of its contents. Send along your Bibles, ma freens, and we'll have a model Parliament. * * r- * * * ■*■ * ♦ Undoubtedly the superstitions of the present age are concentrated in winning money, and the' old-fashioned omens of health, of happiness, of success or failure in love, have lost all their power, and, like the bustle, have gone out of fashion. But, as I have remarked, people still tenaciously cling to omens that may effect the making or losing of money. In days of old men were wont to dream of their lady loves, women of the swains they were to marry, but nowadays they desire to dream of nothing but the lucky number in a lottery, or the number for a safe investment in a "consultation." For instance, there's the man who finds a ticket, the man who meets with the same number three times in succession in totally different connections, the man who buys the last ticket the fellow

has to sell j and there is the woman who I buys a ticket because the number is exactly her onrn age (he-he), and who will not sell it for double or even five times the price she gave for it. They never win, it is always the man or woman who is not superstitious that does win ; but the saddest case of superstition that Ihave heard of lately is that of a sextou in a well-known and fashionable church. He has selected tickets in a monster Melbourne Cup consultation, corresponding with the numbers of the hymns given out by the minister last Sunday, and he would not sell one of them for ten times the price be paid for it. *** # * * -<■ * ♦ We are likely to have another Maori war scare, and that too at a time when all should 1 be peace. We ought; to colebrate our Jubilee in such a style that all our visitors may see how we have progressed, and how the native? have settled down to calm and content under English rule. vWe want to attract to our shores as many as possible from all parts of the colony, but it will never do if among other attractions (?) we show them a real, old-fashioned Maori war — nob a war of Maori against European, but of one Maori tribe against another. And there is danger of such a fight breaking out in the midst of our festivities. "One of the great attractions of our Jubilee celebration in Auckland is to be a great Maori war dance of the good old style. Now, everybody knows how the passions of the natives are worked up by this dance, so that they become like fiends, ,and the spirit of their old cannibal ancestors works within them. Then, suppose that we have, following one suggestion, the Northern natives and the Waikatos, or any two hostile tribes engaged in this dance, won't they soon be at one another's throats ? and won't our beautiful old-fashioned war-dance turn very quickly into a good square knockdown fight ? It would certainly be interesting to the antiquary or the curious foreigner to see a good old-titee fight : but wouldn't it be just a bit mngerous ? Beware, management committee of Auckland Jubilee celebration, and boware, Mr Mayor, how you stir up the heathen savage. Napoleon said, "Scrape a Russian and you get a Tartar." What should you get if you scrape a Maori? We are not far from the days when savage ate savage (and liked it) and we could easily drop back. * * * •* * * ♦ ■* ♦ A London paper is responsible for the following :— " At Winstead, a village 12 miles from Hull, a bazaar is to be opened next Wednesday on behalf of the parish church. One of the attractions advertised is a boxing match, and why not (says the editor) set up for the occasion a dog fight or a bull baiting ?" * * # I am surprised, not to say deeply concerned, at finding that in our programme of events for celebrating Jubilee yeai no provision has been made for holding a " Baby Show," and feel certain that I am butgiving effect to the unuttered thoughts of many mothers when I remark that such an aching void should be filled without even a suspicion of dilatorinees. How such a gigantic matter has been allowed to slip from our worthy Mayor's memory I know not, and doubtless it needs but a reminder now to have the event included on the programme, the conditions being so framed that phenomenal success will wait on the efforts of judged and judges. There can be no other opinion bub thas this lovely climate I of ours is as much in favour of babies as it is in favour of other products, and such being the case let us by all means advertise the fact both far and near, and without fear or favour. * ■* * •*■ ♦ *• ■» * * People of course will be found to say "Look at the expense !" and crusty old bachelors will remark with a deprecatory sniff, "What's the use?" Bub although probably thoy both mean well, they don't know the wonderful touches of human nature there aie about a baby show, nor can they fully estimate the ultimate result on posterity. I would venture to suggest that prizes be not only given to the best dressed and the best undressed babies, but that special inducements be held out to the mothers of twins and triplets. The dear little things — not the triplets but the babies — might be divided into two sections, and prizes given for boys and girls according to age ; then if they were sub-divided into say dressed and undressed classes, the physical proportions and deformities (if any) might be judged accordingly. One mother will say that her darling ahvays looks best in a basinetle, another will aver tbafc her treasure always appears to adVantage in its robe de nuit, a third is positive that her pet looks beautiful while playing with the sponge in a bath, a fourth solemnly declares that her popsy-wopsy is a veritable Cupid if displayed in Nature's old-fabhioned garb, and so on ad injinitnm. -. C if k * ¥■ ■* f- * Notwithstanding these and probably numbers of other restrictions which might j easily be meb, there is no valid reason why " a Gigantic Baby Show " should nob be brought to a successful issue. The only contingency that will have to be guarded against is the •' mixing-up process :> that is likely to ensue whilst the darlings of our I hearths and homes are being put through their facings by the judge. ■* -n- * If + *■ * ■* * Should such a fearful cabasbrophe actually occur, I should never forgive myself for having broached the idea, for a thousand or so of nude and crowing or crying infants crawling or toddling about bogebher is a serious matter for fathers and mothers to contemplate, and oven supposing that matters were eventually settled to everyone's sabisfacbion there would no doubb be lingering fears for years afterwards in the breasts ,of the parents that they were pampering up some one else's offspring. But this js too serious to contemplate, knowing as I do that we have in our midst numbers of judges who would see that the possibility of such a contretemps did not occur. * * # It would not be a bad idea to inaugurate j a champion prize of, say £50, for the beet all-round baby of any age, weight, colour, | size or sex, and in this caae allow the public to decide the matter by ballot. Just think of the probable future of the child who should be adjudged such a champion. What a splendid* start in life, and how might the advantage thus gained be put to good use in the years to come, when " it " is thrown on a cold and calculating world, to be able to carry round a gold medal or a diploma stating that in the year 1889 " it " was a champion. I fear my modesty will not permit of further laudatory remarks on this scheme which seems so full of promise ; but this I will say, that if we intend to draw a large influx of visitors to our city during the Jubilee celebrations, no better method could be acted upon ; for not only will the mother of the child be here with her offspring, but in nine cases out of ten the author of its being also, and then what about the sisters and cousins and aunts of both families? Ye gods ! they would come like trouble,

not; in single file but in battalions. Then there is the chance of inaugurating a monster mothers' meeting ; but there — we must proceed in this as we do in every other large undertaking hero, with circumspection, but at the same fcime with a full and enthusiastic knowledge of its ultimate success.