CURRENT TOPICS. (Bu Zamiel in the 'Auckland Star.")

Te Aroha News, Volume VII, Issue 414, 26 October 1889, Page 3

CURRENT TOPICS. (Bu Z ami el in the ' Auckland Star.")

It is truly said that larrikinism is the bane of colonial society, and the man who can evolve from his inner consciousness * romedy for tho prevailing tendency in the direction of that vice would be a benefactor to his country. Philanthropists, philosophers and even social reformers are all at a loss to provide a remedy. Tho evil flourishes in every walk of life. It is to be found in the drawingroom of the wealthy us well us in the hovel of the poor, in the ballroom as well as in the street. . Religious education in our public schools is recommended as one remedy, and yet larrikinism is more prevalent in the Sunday-school than in the day-school. The absence of the birch rod no doubt accounts f6r this fact. Say what wo will or do what we please, larrikinism in some form or another is omnipresent with us, and I am afraid will never leav© us. •** * * * ♦. ♦ * There is one phase of the evil which, however., should be dealt with at once, and it is tlie most objectionable and dangerous form ot larrikinism. I refer to the presence of small boys in our streets after nightfall. In New York, a by-law exists which renders the presence of these old-mannish children in the streets at night punishable, and the effect is remarkable. The public thoroughfares are free from these "give us your pass" poets, and precocious seekers after "cigar butts." Larrikinism is said to be a lesser evil in that city than in any other of the States, and I can well believe it. Perhaps the difficulty could be met by a city by-law, and if so I hope in the interests of New Zealand of tho future that some of our borough legislators will take the matter up. If it is beyond the jurisdiction of the Council, a clause in the Police OJences Act applicable to all boys undor the age of thirteen or fourteen years might have a good effect. #** * « # ♦ v y Clerical gentlemen, aa a rule, have a keen sense of humour, notwithstanding the very long faces which they are usually credited with assuming. More than one instance occurred at the meetings of the Diocesan Synod during the last w^eek, and the otherwise somewhat monotonous proceedings were occasionally varied by a really hearty laugh. A case in point came under my notice on Monday evening. A venerable Archdeacon was discussing with some warmth the difficulties that had arisen on the subject of surplice fees, and to give his arguments force, ho condescended to relate a telling anecdote about some mean kind of people who had an inclination to screw down the parsons as much as they possibly could. He had worked himself 4 up i to a pitch of enthusiasm, when he suddenly astonished the reverend fathers and brethren by asserting in a loud tone- of. voico that some- people would actually let their ministers preach without either food or clothing. There wat a dead silence throughout the -Synod for about two minutes, and the . divines and lay brethren could be observed vainly struggling with the exuberance of their risible faculties, but human nature eventually got the upper hand, and the building shook with laughter. The idea of a ,parson preaching without food might have gone down, but a parson so reduced in" circumstances as having to mini.*tor to the -wants of h»e> flock without clothing was too much. ' i* * * r *. *■ Major-General Edwards has one good point. He is not at all proud, and unlike many Colonial volunteer officers does not consider it derogatory to his dignity as an officer to speak affably to a man in the ranks/ Ho has a_ quick eye for service medals, and during his inspections he is wont to stop and chat with the gallant possessor. of these trophies of actual warfare. Kindliness and sympathy of this kind are nob lost upon old soldiers, and more than one rugged and honest heart was touched the other night by the, cheerful and sympathetic remarks of the worthy MajorGeneral. > * •>- * ' 7. W — - "I + Of course Nfajor-General Edwards is only human, and is sometimes apt to be misled by appearances. Passing down the front line of M avals the other night, he stopped before one man with the remark : ' * You've not Seen service." "Yes, sir," was the reply." '* Where ?" •' Nine years on a man-o'-war, sir." " Very good," eaid the MajorGeneral, and, addressing another, * 'Have you seen any service ?"- •• Yes, sir, fifteen years on a man -o'-war." The Major-General expressed his satisfaction, and then,- his eye rested on a fine looking fellow of the British Jack tar swagger and build. "Ah, my man, I know you are a sailor ." " No, sir," modestly replied the naval. "No !" ejaculated the officer in surprise, " then what are you ?" "A tailor, sir." *## # * ♦ ♦ * ♦ ! A laughable incident occurred one night i this week at a private party which was held in a hall in the suburbs. Some of the young bloods were enjoying a quiet smoke in an ante room, when suddenly a fair creature rushed in to demand the presence of a young man in the game that was going on. He professed to be anxious to resist her blandishments, but she would not be denied the pleasure of his company. There was a hose reel in that room, and suddenly the importuned one seized the nozzle and threatened to drench his lair assailant. She laughed at it as an empty threat, and he to convince her that he was in earnest turned on the water, whereupon the lady decamped. Of course he instantly turned it off again, or at least thought he had done so, but subsequent events proved that he was mistaken. The hose was rolled a number of times round the reel, and the water was steadily working its way. The young man still held the nozzle in his hand, as the lady was not far off. Suddenly he let out a yell that caused all eyes to concentrate upon him. It was then seen that the stream had just arrived and made known its presence by deluging his ear?, and sousing his immaculate" shirt front. That young man said something naughty and made a dash at the tap, but yet another mistake was perpetrated, for he turned on the stream in full force. By some means he also got the nozzle up his sleere.and thus was enabled to cool his arm. With another blood-curdling shout he drew out the nozzle and turned it from him, at the same time again endeavouring to stop the supply. This time he was successful, but nob before another gentleman present had received the full force of the jet on the side of his head. After that, playing with the fire hose was voted not good form. ♦ ic * * * ¥■ * ■» ♦ A rather good story is told at the expense of one of, tha fraternity known pretty well aa the "Devil's own." Two lawyers were in conversation with Mr Oliver Mays in Queen street one day this week, when tho subject nf <lt«#MiMinn rhanead to hit on the recent

London strikes. The novelty of the ichool boy strike gave rise to a lengthy argument, and tins would have probably elicited some sensible conclusion, but for an unfortunate observation by one of the gentlemen of the long robe, who propounded the query) 11 What would happen if the lawyers tyere to go out on strike?" The answer wa« prompt, brief and to the point r " Peace on earth and goodwill towards men," from Mr Mays. That terminated the discussion. ♦ * * * *'* ♦ * * It is a dreadful thing when a married man is shut out of his own home, and by his wife. Such a thing happened to n friend of mine the other night. Ho is an exemplary father anc? a devoted husband, yet his wife closed the door on him and left him to cool his heels on the kerb-stone or sleop in the Domain. It happened this way. My friend was out at a late meeting of the lodge, and did not get homo till about twelve o'clock. His wife had put the children to bed and then, being timorous, locked the door to keep out the proverbial burglar. After sitting a while she got tired and went to bed, and by 12 o'clock she was sound asleep. I will not be so ungallant as to say snoring. Her liege lord came to the door and knocked at first softly, then with a louder, and yet a louder rap. That was no uee. He took to calling •• Maria." Maria answered not. His voice got hoarse and thick, and the tones rose something liko this — " Maiia ! Maria!! Marmh !!! MARIAH !!!! The neighbours all round were awake by this time, and first one and then another flannelled lead was thrust out of windows, and boots were thrown wildly at imaginary caU. My friend then calmed "down (outwaidly) and commenced rapping again. No uee. Then he went for the axe, and with language which I cannot command, but which must have shocked the recording angel frightfully, he battered in his own beautiful door and met )is wife at the bottom of the stairs. "Were you knocking, John?" and all was peace. * .v * +• ■>- •* * -v ■* A witness at the Police Court this week was more candid than cautious when giving his evidence. He was under cross-examination, and was asked whether his wife did not at times quarrel with him and uso strong language. The old man smiled sadly, and with a far away look in his eyes replied, " Well, you know, every woman does so." "But does your wife do so?" asked the persistent solicitor. Reluctantly came the reply : " She does occasionally, but 1 believe every woman has a gift of that kind." Then in explanation the old gentleman said, " You see, my wife is a woman vvho has been in the habit ot having her two or three glasses of beer every day in her life. The doctor told her that it would do her good. At tiinos it gets a little into her head and she says more than she would otherwise, but I expect most women do the bame, and she neTer gets any the worse for the drink, you know." People think reporters are without sympathy or feeling, but the fact that this confession did not appear in cither of the daily papers shows that the pressmen themselves have some idea of feminine nature. Had the old gentleman's wife read that scrap of evidenco in the Stak, no doubt she would have once again exercised her gift, and the reporters probably knew that. * r ■* • ir # ♦ * *■ I would like to preface this " shot" by asking you, dear reader, if you have -evej: • been the recipient of or contributor to a " surprise party," and presuming that you have at some period of your existence enjoyed such felicity, or at least are conversant with the methods employed, will procoed to state that a gentlemen well-known in law circles here was the victim of one of these little affairs last week. It ' appears that although - the matter was kept very quiet, •* my friend" received inkling during the day that " a rjarty " had decided to give him a surprise that evening, so when he returned home from the city he acquainted the household, and immediate steps were taken to fortify his stronghold against the threatened invasion. On the principle that forewarned is forearmed, all the doors and windows were fastoned, and the eates securely padlocked, the household dog released from his chain, and all lights put out The family then sought the seclusion oi the balcony, and there in silont communion and dread anticipation breathlessly awaited the onslaught of the foe, who soon made their appearance in light skirmishing order, but evidently prepared for a stubborn siege. Having got over the gate difficulty, a vigorous peal at the -bell was- followed by frequent applications to the doorknocker, but no response being made a hurried council of war was held, the consequence being that a (our di jorce was unanimously decided upon. The speedy application of a tin-opener -to v the window frame had the desired effect, and 'one ot the beleaguers making a skilful entrano* was enabled to afford his comrades admission by the hall door. ■\ •, * * * •»■ ♦•The surprised one," of course, wa B meantime huddled up in trepidation and on some tin tacks, and his feelings may be imagined when he found that the position had been carried by assault. Naturally ! enough, he was under the supposition that the house being in darkness would lend colour to the belief that the family were not at home, but in this ho had reckoned without his host. The surpeise party seemed very much at home without the usual essential, however, and lights wera soon dancing all over the apartments, some of the self-invited guests doing ditto ditto on the carpet to a smart whistling accompaniment. Their numerous little surprise parcels having been dumped down into the most convenient places, everybody wandered off on a tour of inspection, comments being freely made on tho various *' articlepof bigotry and virtue," and they then wended their leisurely way upstairs, laughing and joking all the time at several of " the surprised one's " idiosyncrasies and failings. 4 + * Feeling hot and cold by turns, and taking one consideration with another, but especially noting the highly-nervous state to which some of his garrison wore reduced, he determined to surrender un conditionally, and just as the advance guard were in the act of stepping out on to the balcony, he arose after having slipped on a banana skin and gave vent to "one prolonged yell that frightened all the Thomas and Maria cats in the immediate vicinity for at least three nights afterwards. Of course there ensued a double-forte chorus of yells, followed at short intervals by several pianissimo quintettes, duets, and solos, in which quite a number , of the male and female surprisers took prominent go-as-you-please parts. When the surcharged atmosphere had somewhat cleared, mutual explanations ensued, and during the early hours of the morning ( " the party " wended their, homeward way, evidently much pleased with themselves, their glorious victory, and the *' jolly good time " they had spent. . •Jr * * * * * # * ♦ The reader will doubtless observe that only generalities have been indulged in as regards what really transpired ni tfcr matters

had been satisfactorily explained. I attempted to glean the necessary information from " the surprised one " himjelf, but' he said that he had been suffering somewhat since the auspicious event, and the family doctor had laid strict injunctions on him not to foster excitement by a recouutal of the various surprises of that evening. I trust the apology will be accepted for u somewhat bold narrative of stirring events.