CURRENT TOPICS. (By Zamiel in the ' Auckland Star.")

Te Aroha News, Volume VII, Issue 408, 5 October 1889, Page 4

CURRENT TOPICS. (By Zamiel in the ' Auckland Star.")

Football is rather a proscribed subject since the return of our football represents" tives, but being a privileged individual, I do, not hesitate to say a word or two before the subject passes into oblivion. Every applicable argument under the sun has been urged to explain whyourmenlosttwoof their matches, but has the real reason been given? It lies in a nutshell. In a word, they lost because they did not win. It seems to me that too much was expected from the young Aucklanders. Are we to suppose that the Southerners are men of no stamina at all, and that they can be waltzed over at will ? Perish the thought ! They are young New Zealanders like ourselves, men of bone and sinew, possessed of heart and judgment quite as good as our own. Where, then, is the disgrace in being beaten by a point, or in making a close draw ? I see none, and it is sufficient for me that the contests were well iought, and that both teams played splendidly. Auckland people are very much like the proverbial Britisher. They have not yet learned to take a beating, and they do not i seem to understand one. Fortunately, football matches are decided by points in a given time, and were it not so it is an open question it our boys would not be hard at it still, struggling for victory. # * •/ * * * * , * *• Though the charges of misconduct made against our football representatives while in Christchurch have been effectively refuted and seem to have had no foundation in face, they open up a question of some interest to the public at large. What latitude should be allowed members of travelling teams in regard to behaviour likely to cause annoyance to fellow tiavellers and in regard to goneral behaviour ? As a rule they seem to consider that they are the only people worthy ot consideration, and that because they belong to a team they may do what they please and no one has a right to complain. Some, of course, behave themselves worse than others, but all act as they certainly would not under ordinary circumstances. Even staid, respectable old men, when they go off on a trip in a body, act the " giddy goat " and consider themselves justified in doing so. I have heard ot teams so rowdy that they had to be confined to the hold of the boat in which they were travelling. Nay more, Zamiel himself, who is naturally the most modest of men and who blushes when a lady looks on him, once travelled with a team which developed unheard of powers in the hand-kissing and winking line, so that they were reckoned quite gay dogs. Now so long as this giddy conduct is coniined to such mildness no great harm is likely to be done, but unfortunately, young men are inclined to go too far and to make themselves a nuisance. They should always remember that they are gentlemen, even though they do wear a uniform, and that there is nothing witty in vulgarity. Some exuberance of animal spirits is excusable, but it should be restrained within fair limits, and should be accompanied by a little common sense. ■) * * -A ir ■* X- * -V Did you ever notice the aimless manner in which some of our business people hurry along the street? They skip out of an office, collide with some peaceable citizen, then in extricating themselves come down on another pedestrian's pet corn,- and finally go on their way with a smile rejoicing, utterly regardless ot the remarks and blessings showered upon them. One day during the week, while in Queenstreet, I saw such a man as I have attempted to describe rush out of a well-known lawyer's office and collide heavily with a friend of mine. Both stood still for a moment— the one to gather his scattered sen&es, and the other to look after some papers he had dropped. I drew near and overheard the following from the stranger :— " My — my — dear sir, I-er — don't know wnich of us is to blame for this— this — violent encounter, but I am in too great a hurry to investigate. If I ran into you I beg your pardon, and if you ran into me don't men bio n it ;" and betore my friend could either accept or decline the apology, away ho tore at redoubled speed, and was soon lost to view in " the madding crowd." * •*■ # A peculiar case, in which all parties were intensely satisfied, has just been brought under my notice, and in accordance with a never-failing custom I hasten to place my readers in possession ot the story just as it was told to me. It appears that an eccentric gentleman while on his way to his office had occasion to pass a baker's shop, outside of which he noticed a woman carrying a three-year-old scantily -clad child, both crying piteously. The eccentric one immediately stopped, and on inquiry learnt that the cause of sorrow on the part of the woman was the hunger ot her child, who had had nothing to eat for two days. "Is that all ':" &aid the cccentiic one, as he handed the poor creature half a sovereign ; " You take half a crown out of that and buy some bread !" With alacrity the woman disappeared into the interior of the shop, and soon emerged with a beaming countenance and a tour-pound loaf, part of which the youngster was choking himsoif with. Handing her benefactor seven shillings and sixpence, the mother attempted to express her thanks j but pocketing the coin, he leplied, 41 My good woman, not another word, I beg. I have done but little. I take pleasure in seeing everyone round me happy. The baker is happy, for he has been paid for his loaf ; your child is happy, for hia hunger is appeased ; you are happy, for your present anxiety is allayed ; and I too am happy, for I have got rid of a bad half-sovereign." * * * You remember the story that is told about the person who, on first coming into possession of a packet of tea, boiled the' leaves like cabbage and ate them ; well, I have a concoction that beats that. It appears that in Thormanby Island, near New Guinea, a late traveller found the inhabitants so ignorant of the uses of tobacco, that when some was given them they absolutelyput it into a bottlo, poured waceron it, and drank oft, the compound. There is nothing very extraordinary in the story, but I cannot help thinking there would be fewer victims of the "noxious weed" in this part of the world, if ' the first dose of tobacco were administered to our ambitious youths after theNewGuineafashion. Men would notthen be pestered by ten-year-old urchins asking f or " a light," and a number of the ladies who now promenade Queen-street would be able to cave their costumes from contamination with the saliva ejected by these youths on our footpaths. *#* * * * *** ' ' Indeed, this habit of smoking in our principal thoroughfare is a disgusting one, and apart from the vile stuff, consumed in vapour and puffed into the eyes and nostrils

of promenaders and business men, there is abb the disgusting spectacle alluded to-p that of expectorating' on the ' footpaths. The odious practice is indulged in to a large extent during the day, but at night, and especially on Saturday night, it seems as if at least tour-fifths of the male habitues of Queen-street had converted themselves for the nonce into selecting condensers ; and the manner in which they puff, blofr, and expectorate is amusing if it were not uncomfortable for those who happen to be* in the immediate vicinity. I have no wish to debar any of our youths from one of their numerous enjoyments, and feel suro that the habit results from thoughtlessness rather than from any desire to make their presence obnoxious ; so that if they must gmoke when promenading I would suggest that a by-law be framed allowing them, say, one side of the street from Grey-street to the wharf, at certain hours during the day or night, and that anyone who does not smoke found walking or standing on that side of the footpath during the prescribed time shall be penalised ; either that, or heavily fine those who are nowassisting to make our busiest thoroughfare anything but a pleasant place for pedestrians. * # it- it * * ♦ # The champion mean man is not a patch on the mean woman occasionally met with. Some of these people are to be met with at public entertainments, and a young lady who attended a recent concert in the Choral Hall returned home with a rather bitter opinion of some members of her sey,. She . was delighted with the performance of one vocalist/ and essayed to throw her' carefully - fully - prepared, pretty bouquet on to the platform. Unfortunately, it fell short, and landed in about the front row of the audience, at the feet of a couple of very " swell " gorgeouslyarrayed ladies. One of them eyed it for a moment, then picked it up nonchalantly and calmly retained possession of it for the rest of the evening. The idea of honestly passing it on to the singer apparently never entered the innocent feminine mind. That irate young lady avers that she felt strongly inclined to march up to the"" lady " and demand her floral trophy back again, but her diffidence restrained her. Practices of this sort are often observed at even what are supposed to be " high-toned " concerts and entertainments. I * a * *■ *• * * i- * A vagabond went into a police station and wanted to sleep there. •* We only lodge prisoners," said the sergeant from behind his desk. " You only lodge prisoners," repeated the vagabond, meditatively. "That's all," was the reply ; " you've got to steal something, or assault somebody, or something of that kind." "I've got to assault somebody, or something of that kind," again repeated the vagabond, thoughtfully. Then he reached across the desk with his long arm, and knocked the sergeant off his stool, saying as the officer got up with his hand to his eye, '• Give me as good a bed as you kin, sergeant, 'cause I don't feel very well to-night." This competition- with private boarding - houses should certainly be inquired into. * * * Those gay young University students at Dunedin seem to devote their whole energies to the congenial work of livening up the " douce " Otago tolk. The behaviour of the lively boys at last year's presentation of diplomas, it will be remembered, scandalised the staid Dunedinites, but at the last " capping " ceremony, which took place just lately, they_ adopted new tactics, on the suggestion, it is said, of the demure libbl© "sweet girl graduates" — those women again, dear brethren, you see are at the bottom of all mischief. Prior to the night of the august ceremony all sorts of rumours, so it is reported from the bleak city of the Macs, were hurtling through the air regarding the affair. Rumour had it that those terrible students had been engaged for some weeks past, in secret places and in cellars, in rehearsing " hymns and psalms and spiritual songs" of a most diabolical, desperately revolutionary, if not absolutely Nihilistic nature. Police Inspector Weldon had, it was whispered with bated breath, telegraphed to the Minister of Defence for instructions. The Second Fifteen of the 'Varsity Football Club had been told off, in the event of an insurrection at the " capping," to the onerous but pleasing duty of attending to any young ladies who might faint. The local mayor was anxious, but calm and resolute. They said he was learning the Riot Act, but fortunately he was not called upon to display his knowledge of it. * * l ♦ ■* *■ * * * * The long-looked -for ceremony came off at last, and the students made quite a "splash." They organised a regular orchestra and concert company, and their musical selections completely paralysed the remainder of the show. , A local paper said that the ceremony " was remarkable for the dryness of the speeches and the clevetness of the songs composed by the students for the occasion." In the songs the professorial staff, some of whom had rendered themselves rather obnoxious to the students, came in for some very hard though good-humoured knocks, and getting to know of this beforehand, the Professors of Biology, Physics, Classics, Anatomy, English, and Mathematics, had the " savee " not to show up at the performance." The incorrigible boys — backed up of course by the sprightly young damsels of the University— gave the unfortunate Professors a rather rough time of it in their rhyming effusions. They commenced the service by announcing that ''Here's a first-rate opportunity Of displaying "with impunity, Our wares and our commodities And taking oft" the oddities, Of which our professors Are the unfortunate possessors, And tasting tho felicity Of giving them publicity, With burlesque imitation And great exaggeration." Then came the opening hymn, as they termed it, sung to the tune of '• The Wooin' O't." " English As She Is Taught " was a caustic hit in song at the Professor of English, adapted to a well-known air from " lolanthe." One verse is a sample. Prolessor, loquitor : — " Professor I am— but what have I done ? Said I to inyßelf, said I. Have I managed to stop all their innocent fun I Said I to myself, said I. They bring no excuse, disregarding my rule, Dec ino to stand up as if they're in school. I hope I've not been just a bit of a fool. Said I to myself, said I." Then the English Professor, who had only recently, loft classic Timaru, where he had been engaged in instilling Christian doctrine into the hearts of tho barbarians there, got another for his nob in an aweinspiring affair which wont to the tune of • • There is a Happy Land ": — " Why did I leave Timaru i Far, far away ?- ! I Here I know not what to do, Far, far away. How shall I keep order, how, , When my students make a row? I am not a master now— > i Far, far away." Then this particular dirge concluded by- bewailing the melancholy fact that „

" AH my happy days aro fled, Like the hairs from off my head— Far, 'faraway."'. Some of those -students -would make their fortunes as poetical corner-men in a nigger minstrel show. ' * * *• * * * \ * » - * • *. \ Another adored professor was earcaeA tically described in flowing song as " Isn't \ it?" l " A six-feet high young man. , A cold-grey -eye young nian. : 1 A well-brushcd-hair-Nose-in-thc-air \ And no, never-swear young man. A )earmed-and-sage young man, A light-of-the-age young man. A sick-mathematical-H iglil y-q u adra tical Know-a-deuce-of-a-lot young man." Here the printed programmes— -yes, these enterprising young " dawgs " actually had the presum ption toprin band disbribu te copies oi the musical programme — made the ominous announcement, "Toy Symphony, by the orchestra, with full instrumental effects." One is left to conjecture what those terrible " effects " were. The Professor of Chemistry, Dr. Black, who had been absent ,for some time in a scientific expedition to > the newly-found tin mines in Stewarts Island, came in for his share of attention from his beloved students. To, the inspiriting air of *• On the Ball" they yelled :— '' To the Isle of the South the Professor had gone, To leave us he thought was no sin, And lingering there he neglected his chair To flll up his pockets with ' tin.' " * * * The closing hymn was evidently intended for the fcpecial benefit of the &arne highly philosophical professor. " The Promised Land, Church Praise No. 414," it was styled by ita talented composers. " There is a land of pure delight, Where endless riches reign, Unbounded tin-fields strew the ground r And yield infinite gain. ' ' Here all is tinsel, but no tin. Though chalk comes down in showers; And thiee months' lectures yet divide That heavenly land from ours." *■ ■«■ * * •?>■ * ♦ * * Those Dunedin students — boys and girl 8 -are certainly an incorrigible lot-not at, all like our own demure, sober Auckland budding graduates. We here could never commit oureelves so far as to actually libel our beloved professors to their face. " It's the climate, dear readers, I'm quite sure it's the climate. It's the beastly climate of the God - forsaken South that works those poor students into a perfect frenzy, ready to commit anything. Some of our Auckland boys are said to be the leading spirits in the 'Varsity there. Aucklanders and Southerners, all are exceedingly clever and devoted to their studies. They say so themselves, and they certainly ought to know. In their " Students' Anthem " at the capping they announced impressively that "We're wedded to our hooks, Attached to our dear professors Don't judge us by our looks, Ot brains we're the possessors.