CURRENT. TOPICS. (By Zamiel in the "Auckland Star.")

Te Aroha News, Volume VII, Issue 396, 24 August 1889, Page 3

CURRENT. TOPICS. (By Zamiel in the "Auckland Star.")

She was a sweet little cherub of four summers, with a dimpled face, fringed with curls, and kissed by sunshine, and as she sidled with her elder sister into a class at a Ponsonby Sunday-school, the teacher, who is also the wife of the pastor, fell in love with her childish beauty and stopped the lesson to ask her some questions. "Do you know any prayers, my little dear ?" she queried. " Oh, yes, lots," was the prompt response. "And do you say them ab night,' my love ?" " Yes, often," was the reply. " Then, my dear, you will repeat a little prayer to the class, won't you?" asked the lady, insinuatingly. "Oh yes," said the child, and ,'then she murmured sweetly in baby accents : The rose is red, the violet's blue ; The grass is green, and so are you. " Who taught you that ?" ' said the teacher, scarcely able> •to her laughter. "My brother Charlie," was the childish answer, " and I know plenty more. Shall T say them ?" The offer was not accepted, and the lesson proceeded as soon as the gravity of the children was restored. * •)'• * I feel assured that the news cabled this week anent the Etnpei'or of Germany congratulating the Duke of Cambridge upon the late evolutions, pf the British troops at, Aldershot will be received here with very mingled feelings. He is reported to have said that he was agreeably surprised at the progress of the army since Jubilee year, 1 and that the English fleet was unequalled in bhe world, and the same' might be said of the German army ; thatthe two together might dictate term 3 of peaco to all the other nations. The bulk i of the British, "nation will no doubt have received these characteristic communications with that stoical indifference for which they are noted, while others will probably ask with me what previous knowledge in the I ai t ot war has given this stripling Emperor tho right or power to criticise a nation that has assisted him and his forefathers to build up a throne. I say it is humiliating to hear left-handed compliments from such a source — from a youth who has yet to undergo his baptism of fire and prove that he. is, eye,n the shadow of a man such as 1 his graqdfather was. -.t -■• * ■*. *•. * ■,- ■* ' ■■- - 1 ' The subject would make a ludicrous cartoon, represented by France, as the Lord Chancellor in " lolanthe," showing how favours are dispensed. Thus, taking a compliment out of the hat, he turns to Eng- ' land, and says : "There is one for you ;" then turning to Germany, "and one for yo ;" and after looking into the now empty chapcau with lugubrious visage, turns to the critical audience (represented for this occasion only by the world) and plaintively murmurs : " But never, no, never a one for me !" If France has not said this, it is but an unuttcred thought that will sooner or later find vent in a more practical form than is ever dreamt of in the philosophy of a German featherbed soldier. , f * ♦ You remember what the poet says — " In the spring-time a young man's fancy lightiy turns to thoughts of love." As the eeason is fast approaching, probably it is a reason why I am just now inundated with letters relative to the tender passion. Not only do the missives come from the young man, but from the young woman also — some breathe of lavender water, and some of stale tobacco, but they all unite on the subject, no matter what the aroma may be. The correspondent who has prompted these reflections writes me as follows on a daintily-scented fly sheet :— " I want to ask you a question concerning something particularly private. It is this way. lam only twenty years old, but have been so unfortunate, and have had several of my front teeth replaced by artificial ones. Now would it be quite the honourable thing to go and engage myself to my young, man, without first telling him ? lam certain he loves me very much, and considers me wmsually pretty. I should not like to lose him, and therefore appeal to you, dear Zamiel, to help me." ■>'■>- it -i ' ■»- -X ■> ' -V Now, this is rather too thin for the lady to admit having more than one tooth out in such a bare-faced manner. And, although the subject is not a toothsome one, I suppose I must bow to the inevitable and reply : Well, I certainly shouldn't worry myself about my molars, but state the facts, and if the youngmanshould cease to love my fair correspondent in consequence, then, I say, she is well rid of him and will not only escape many a toothache, but many a heart-eruption also. The great probability is, however, that no amount of dentistry will overthrow his affection, and as like as nob, be will take her to his heart with these words :—: — "Believe me, if all those endearing young charms, "Which I gazed on so fondly to day, Were to fado by to-morrow "— But by that time she will not care much about poetry, and he will be too far gone to care whether her new artificial teeth fall into his vest pocket or not. I hope I have not been too brusque in my reply. 1- , » }<■ ■' !<• Formerly, bankrupts were compelled by law to wear bluehats — at least so I have just been informed by perusal of what appears to be a reliable record of the origin of hats and the varied uses to which * they have been put at" different times. Just imagine what would be the I " effect of such' a law in thesd" degenerate' days, when the. whitewashing process '"'has become ah v everyday occurrence. Fancy the hundreds and thousands of bankrupts, fortunate or unfortunate as the case may^be, who- have beon successfully through th£' mill, 'going about sporting conspicuous jblbe cap\ and branded as people who had tried and failed in bhe financial business, . of life ; and then, by a somewhati more extensive stretch of the imagination, fancy the enormous demand there would be for these same blue caps, and the great local r industry that might be induced to spring up in the colony, indeed all over the world. Last, but not least important, think of the grand moral effect of capping all bankrupts with the conspicuous blue hats, and it may seem that we could with advantage profit by the example set by our ancestors in this respect as in many others. * * * A funeral, as a rule, does not provide the material for a humorous paragraph, but one of the most amusing things I have heard for some time occurred at one. A friend of mine was attending the obsequies of a very dear friend, and, as is often the case, there were several funerals in the same train. On alighting at the cemetery my friend was rather surprised to see a woman in deep mourning take up a position immediately following the coffin. I say surprised, for he was not aware that his deceased friend, who had been a stranger in a strange land, hadany female friends. However, all wentsmoothly and they arrived safely at the grave, the woman apparently in an excess of grief,

weeping and sobbing in the moefc painful manner. This went on till the coffin was lowered, and one by one we stepped forward to take a last look. It was then I saw the woman's face, which bore a somewhat startled look as she glanced round and 3aw our small party. She looked into the grave and, with a strong gesture of annoyance, burso but : '• Oh, bother, I've been walking with the wrong corpse."

There are disadvantages in being well known, and no doubt many of my readers have experienced the truth of this observation. When a bashful and newlymarried man happens to drop into an auction-room just to see if there are any wonderful bargains going a-beg-ging, he rather objects to be signalled out by bhe auctioneer and invited to purchase a child's cot, or a double-seated " perambulator. He may protest as much as he likes, look as black as he chooses, or blush as much as the occasion may demand, but it is all of no use. The auctioneer may not see any harm in it, and the other people don't object;, and so the laugh •goes with the Knight of the Hammer. He pays a license for knocking goods down after inducing other people to knock up the prices, but ho is not licensed to retail bad jokes. If these be absolutely necessary to fill in the time between slowly-advancing " bids," they should be confined to abstract subjects, and probable customers' should be allowed to pop on a' copper, a " thrippence," a "tanner," or "a "bob," in auction parlance, by a wink, a- nod, or by an elevation of the digits, without fear of being drawn out of retirement' by an -unfeeling auctioneer, and held up, to the admiration ot the crowd as the champion mean man, to have those present informed that he "draws a good screw" when maybe he does not want everybody to know that the ,old woman woul# be pleased if he purchased a second-hand cradle, that the family in prospective would be all the better for a shower-bath, or some such awkward proposition. V One of our city ministers made a candid admission the other night when addressing a meeting. He was speaking about the respect he felt for the Anglican clergy, and said that one in particular had made a 'lasting impression upon him in boyhood's days. The audience bent forward in antieipation'bf an affecting story, and they were not disappointed, for the good man said : "He once gave me a sound whipping." His headers smiled, but the smile broke into a latigh as the pastor continued : " He used to pray with us before he whipped us, and I assure you the prayer was worse than the whipping." That remark will no doubt touch a responsive Chord in many hearts. The boy who will doggedly face a thrashing and go away with the sensation of being somewhat of a hero in not having cried out, will break down utterly when brought face to face with an irate parent, who, instead of applying the rod, reduces the culprit to repentence by a long-drawn-out agony in the shape of a severe lecture. Zamiel once knew a boy who left Sunday-school in utter disgust because the Superintendent prayed for him. Perhaps it is only fair to mention that the good man noticed the lad figeting during the prayer, and quietly walking down the aisle he placed his hand, on the head of the culprit and prayed that he might be made a better boy. Such direct prayer was more than that boy could stand, so he lefb. By good rights Zamiel ought to finish this nice little tale by saying that the little bad boy ultimately murdered his mother or did something dreadful, but alas ! candour compels him to state that the boy met with no worse fate than that of getting married and becoming a deacon of a church. How true is the saying, " It is the unexpected that generally happens."