VIII. SERAPHIM SOAP.

Te Aroha News, Volume VI, Issue 364, 1 May 1889, Page 6

VIII. SERAPHIM SOAP.

Snii'.sox's soap u'ib famous all over the world. Its many excellent qualities aided by lavish advertisement, had in-ide it bo. Simpson and Co. were popularly supposed to spend something like a hundred thousand a year in giving publicity to their speciality. High-born dames, professional beauties, and famous actresses, wiote charming lettex'S to Mr Simpson declaring that since they had used his poap their complexions had become the admiration of all beholders. The hoardings of the Metropolis were covered with pictures of beautilul young- ladies in low-nec Led costumes washing their hands wkh Sur.pson's Soap. Chubby babies, with no clothes, on at all, were also represented crowing with frantic delitrh!" boc.ius>e mvse had put some of Simpson's lovely tjap in the infantile eye. It you picked up a newspaper, j the first thing you saw was a column about Simpson's Soap. If you bought a twoshilling novel Simpson's Soap was on the i back of it. If you picked up a magazine jou found right in the middle of an interesting article a fly-leaf with an optical illusion upon it, a red spot at which you were requested to stare patiently for twenty minutes, at the end of which the red spot would be^in to move slowly across the paper. If you went to an exhibition you tound Hiat some beautiful pieces of statuary bad been purchased by the proprietors of Simpson's Soap It you went to the Academy you were astonished to find that one of the best pictures of one of the most popular X.A.'s had been painted for the proprietors of Simpson's Soap. The only place in which you were absolutely safe from Simpson's Soap was in church, and even there, if rumour does not misstate the facts, the manager of Simpson's advertisement department once neai ly succeeded in bringing off a daring idea for a reclame. A church was greatly in need of restoration. A public appeal was made for funds, and Simpson nobly offered to find the entire amount necessary if lie might put in a stained glass window with a representation of a Scriptural incident in which an act df ablution was the leading feature. The vicar hesitated for a time, but fearing that somehow or other a cake of Simpson's soap would be introduced into the picture, he reluctantly refused. The Post-master-General was introduced to Simpson at a political club, and for a whole half hour Simpson endeavoured to persuade him to accept his offer to print all the telegraph forms gratis if he might put at the bottom 'Printed by the Proprietors of Simpson's Soap,' and it is currently repoited that if Her Majesty would have done for Soap whatshe did for Pills and Ointment, Simpoon would have built the Imperial Institute at his own expense, and have handed the Chancellor of the Exchequer a cheque for the National Debt after the opening ceremony was over and Her Majesty, having accepted a model of the building executed in Simpson's Soap, had driven off amid the respectful salutations of the distinguished company and the cheers of the assembled thousands outside. There was absolutely no limit to Simpson'.-- ideas on the art of advertising. He had covered the whole earth with his beautiful poster?, he had had inserted the testimonials of the crowned heads of Europe in every known tongue, in every newspaper published, in every town in the worD, lie had interleaved the periodicals of Europe and America with the red spot at which you had to stare twenty minutes, the cenaptation being an offer of one million pounds to any person not absolutely blind with both e\'es who failed to see the illusion after complying with the regulations, and he had only abandoned the idea of introducing Simpson's Soap into the moon by mean-, ot balloon-, after being assured by a great astronomical authority that there was no water there, and that consequently it was utterly impossible for the inhabitants to wash themselves. Tom Simpson, the chief partner in the firm, and the inspiring and directing genius or this most marvellous system of advertisement, was übiquitous. He was known, and, let me say at once, beloved in every part of the world. His handsome presence, his charming manner?, ami his great talents made him a universal favourite. Bismarck never met him in Berlin without asking him to dinner, and the great Chancellor always acknowledged the annual birthday present of a box of Simpson's Soap in an autograph letter. The famous Bishop of Pongotown, the intrepid African traveller and missionary, was never tired of telling the numbers of the Royal Geographical Society how once when he was ordered out for immediate execution by King Quiz 800, the terror of the Dark Continent^ his life was saved by the intercession of Tom Simpson, who was travelling through the Equatorial picvinces in search of good stations for his la'e^t soap poster • — the poster which had been specially designed by the Presidents of all the Ait Societies and Academies of Europe in collaboration. In the Arctic regions the name ot Tom Simpson was a household word, and it was a popular saying that if the North Pole had boen a real pole on which an advertisement could have been stuck Tom Simpson would ha\e found a way to discover it long ago. In America the President of the United States always came personally lo meet Mr Simpson on his arrival in New York, and one bedroom in the Whire House wa3 generally known as Mr Simpson's mom. On the long and perilous journey to Khiva the late Colonel Burnaby found no passport equal to a letter of introduction from Mr Simpson, of Simpson's .Soap ; and in the wildest part of Galway the peasants would disperse at a word from Tom Simpson, though the constabulary and the military might have been firing on them for twenty minutes without inducing them to go quietly to the homes. But feted by the rich and idolised by the poor wherever he went, Tom Simpson never neglected business for pleasure. Ho never for one moment forgot that the great object of his life was to advertise his &oap. If his health was proposed at a Iloyal Banquet he would modestly remind the princely and noble company that he manufactured the best soap in the world. When the United Temperance Societies of England and America presented him with his portrait on the occasion of the openinw of the new Temperance Congress Hall of all Nations presented by his firm,' he made a beautiful speech in favour of water, but slyly hinted that soap was an excellent thing to use with it when applied externally. When the King of Burmah gave a grand slaughter of slaves at Mandalay in hi 3 honour, Tom Simpson begged to be allowed to introdacc a novel form of torture ior the monarch's edification, and had a

vory aged and dirty priest taken oIT the bonfire and washed all over with a cake of Simpson's Soap instead, which torturo the old gentleman enjoyed so much that all the priests in Burmah who had to do ponance tortured themselves in the same way ever after, and the export orders to Burmah became an important item in the annual returns of the tirm. From this brief skotch the reader will have gatherod some idea of tho senior partner in the world-famous firm of Simpson and Co. Tho soap neods no introduction from me. It is a household word wherever any language that includes such a word in its vocabulary is known. Thero ' are tribes still in existence in remote I corner:? of the earth who have a very limited vocabulary indeed. They ha\c only words which signify to eat and lo kill — iood, diink, and blood. The chief of one of these tubes became accidentally possessed ot a cake of Simpson's Soap, ate it, and foamed at the mouth for a quarter of an hour afterward?, much tv tho surprise of his wives and warriors, ior he was a man of singularly calm and placid disposition. But he was much lighter and more active afterwar.is, and the tribe always regret that they didn't keep a little of the canons fruit, or root, or whatovcr it might be, in order to plant it and raise a supply irom it. The brief sketch to which I have previously alluded was necessary in order to show the leader the determination and the brilliant business talents of my hero. Without such an introduction the great adventure of Tom Simpson's lite, the v.o-t remarkable incidents of his marvellous career as a soap advertiser, would not be propei ly understood. j This incident happened just as he was I thinking of settling down in his beautiful mansion at Kensington, and handing the advertising over to a gentleman who had been the sole manager of the depaitment for many veard. Tom Simpson having come to fifty years of age, and being rich boyond the dreams of avarice — it was said that ho could have coveied every five-pound note in Baron Kothschild's possession with one for ten, and still ha\e a large reserve capita] — had a right to think of devoting the remainder of hid life to the calm enjoyment of hts domestic hearth and the society of the leading .members of tho aristocracy, and the shining lights of the world of art and literature who were his most intimate friend?. His only daughter — a beautiful girl of eighteen — was most anxious to keep her papa at home, and he felt that as she was just coming out she ought to have the advantage of his escort iuto society. Letty Simpson was a delightful girl. Inheriting her father's handsome features, and being alsosole heiress to hisimmense wealth, she was naturally much admired, and directly she \va& 'out' she stepped at one bound into the proud position of the Belle of the Season. Tom Simpson was ceitain from the very outset that a coronet was within Letty's grasp when she cared to reach out her oretty little hand for it. There was nothing in her being tho daughter of a manufacturer. In these days it is an ordinary thing for {peers to marry black lead, beer, sugar, cotton, mustard, starch, vinegar or patent medicine. Soap was as good as any of these and better than some. Young Lord Pasdesou had even gono so far as to marry ginger beer and lemonade, and his wife was received with open arms everywheie, although she wao twenty years his senior, and had a papa who said 'Look 'cc 'ere,' and called her ' n?y gal ' and her husband 'my son-in-lor,' and never went to a dinner party without entertaining the company with the story of how he started in business in such a small way that he drove his own cart round and delivered the ginger beer to his customers himself. Knowing these facts, it was small wonder that Tom Simpson counted on seeing Letty a marchioness at the very leaht, for Letty was a lady as well as an heiress, and her father »vas Uie friend of princes and the companion of dukes, and an honoured guest at every court in Europe. To tell the truth. e\en in his love and admiration for lite daughter and his desire that she should make a grand marriage, the chance of a big. advertisement tor Simpson's Soap was not forgotten. lie felt that it would be a magniticent opportunity for ' paragraphing ' the Press of the Woild. ' The beautiful Miss Simpson, who was last week united in marriage to His (Jrace the Duke of Knockland?, i? the only daughter and heiress of Thomas Simpson, E a q., the chief proprietor of Simpson's Soap.' The American ttade would certainly benefit by the marriage. The fair Americ >ns would feel that in using Simpson's Soap they were, in a manner, shaking hands with the Biitish aristocracy. Letty had not been out very long when she had plenty of admirers, and to her father's delight it was e\ ident that a young Duke, who had been rathui severely damaged on the turf and had gone prematurely bald, was inclined to make himself agreeable. Letty was very charming and very gracious to her numerous admirers, but when her papa told her that if there was any young nobleman she fancied for a husband she was, to be sure to let him (her papa) know and he would try and buy him for her, Letty laughed and bluohod and said, ' Oh, papa, dear, what nonsense : as if any nobleman would marry mo !' And when her papa pressed her she grew just a Tittle angry, and stamped her little foot and exclaimed, 'Papa, don't you ever try to make me an advertisement for your soap, because 1 won't have it. I intend to marry for love oi not at all.' Then it was pa^as turn to fiown, and he told his daughter that she was a silly romantic little thing, and that he would never consent to her marrying anybody without a title ; of course, if the young man hod a title she might love him as much as she liked. Letty said nothing, but she gave her papa a look which would have told him something had he known as much about the art of love as he did about the art of advertising. One evening at a ball Mr Simpson happened to be sitting in a conservatory behind some plants where nobody could see him, and in this position ho overheard a conversation which rilled him with dismay. Two elderly Duchesses came in, sat down, and began to converse, and the subject of their conversation was the attention paid by the Duke of Knocklands to Miss Simpson. ' It's no good, my dear,' said one Duchess. ' she'll never have him. She's in love with young Smith&on, the rich advertising contractor's son.' Mr Simpson almost revealed his presence by a groan, but he kept His emotion down, and as soon as the Duchesses had gono he went in search of his daughter. He found her dancing with the Duke and looking exceedingly satisfied with the attention she was receiving from the company. ' That will be a match depend upon it,' said one lady; and another lady, the mamma of four handsome but u'ndowered daughters, replied, • There's no accounting for tasto ; but when 1 was a girl a duke wouldn't have stooped to soap.' As father and daughter drove home in the small hours Mr Simpson opened fire. ' Letty, my dear,' he said, ' people are talking about you and young Smithson j you don'b care for that fellow, I hope ?'

' What nonsonse, papa ! Tho idea of your listening to what thoso wretched gossiping people say. Why, they've engaged mo to u dozen gentlemen nlieady.' Lotty's manner was so unconcerned that her papa was relieved, but ho thought it as well to say that he would never consont to such a match. Smithson was a vory nice young iellow ; he had been to Eton and Oxford, and hia father was immensely rich ; but he wasn't tho husband for tho boautiful daughter of Simpson's Soap. His father and Mv Simpson were great friends and the families visited each other, but Mr Simpson never contemplated an alliance by marriage with the King of tho Hoardings. ' It was about a fortnight atter this that Mr Smithson, pere, called on Mr Simpson, and after smoking a cigar in tho library with him — a frequent occurrence — ho suddenly throw a bombshell at his host's head by coolly asking for Miss Simpson's hand for his son. Mr Simpson thanked Mr Smithson coldly for the honour, and begged to decline it ; with thanks. lie had other views for Letty. ' But the young people have been in love i for year?. 1 ; l Nonsense,' said Mr Simpson. Then Smithson argued the point and Simpson lost his temper, and the two gentlemen quariellcd and hud such hitch w oids that Simpson vowed that when his contract ran out, which it did next week, ho would never stick . another pos-ter on Smith&on's hoardings, or givo him another advertisement for the newspapers, and Smithson said that if lie did he would n t accept the order, and Simpson would see where his soap would bo then. Letty heard of the quart ol and was very unhappy. She cried and declared she loved | Arthur Smithson and would marry him, and her papa vowed if sho did he would leave his immense fortune to the Hospitals and Public Charities of tho Metropolis. Then Lctty was sulky and refused to go o~t, but her papa was firm, and at last she plunged once more into the gaiety of the season, and the Duke of Knocklands was more persistent in his very pointed attontions than ever, and one day made a direct olfer of his hand and strawberry leaves to Miss Simpson after obtaining her papa's permission. Letty declined the honour, but Mr Simpson assured the Duke that it was only feminine contrariness, and that he might hope for better luck in time. This was the position of affairs when one morning, while driving to town, Mr Simpson was astonished to see the hoaidings of London covered with magnificent posteis of a new soap. ' Seraphim Soap ' it was called, and the angels were repie&ented in the act ol washing their wings with it. 1 It's blasphemous,' roared Simp&on, but he confessed that it was a, startler. When he got to the office all his cletks were talking about it. Whon he went out his acquaintances button - holed him and a«ked him whose soap l Seraphim Soap ' was. The next clay he found Seraphim Soap all over the newspapers, this time in the shape of a little poem to the following effect : — SERAPHIM SOAP, ' Why are the angels' w ins?sas white As tho snow that lies on tho Junerfrau's slopo 1 Hccause they are washed after every flight With a fragiant cake of Seraphim Soap.' 'It's worse than blasphomous,' screamed Mr Simpson, as he threw paper after paper down in disgust, but he felt that whatever its character it was a tremendous advertisement. He jumped into a hansom and drove round to the retail houses. ' What was the new soap? Who was behind it?' he asked everywhere. lS r obody knew. But the entire trade had received circulars stating that the Seraphim Soap would be advertised for three months before any was supplied. At the end of that time, an enormous stock manufactured, orders would be solicited, and the metropolis and the provinces would bo supplied simultaneously in order that there should bo no jealousy. ' Had any orders come in from customers?' 4Oh yes, the new soap was on e\ erybody's tongue. The public were asking for it every whet c. ' Mr Simpson returned to his office in a terrible rage, and talked the matter over with his partner. Of course no soap could be as good a3 Simpson's, and itsold-ostablished reputation placed it abo\e competition, but thii new soap was evidently going to be boomed terrifically, and something 1 must be done te counteract the eftece of the gigantic advertisement. Simpson musb smother the hoardings of the world more than they had over been smothered before. It doesn't do to sit still in business while a rival makes headway. An K.A. was at once commissioned to design a new poster, and poems were oi dcrcd from tho most eminent poet& in the land at ten guinea© a line and upwards. The first poem was at once inserted in 2,363 newspapers It was a very tine poem indeed. STMPSON'b SOAP. Vain fools arc they who seek to cope With Simpson's fine and matchless soap ; O'er till the world its worth is known, It brooks no rivnl near its throne. 'Tis matchless for the face and hands, Its praise is sung in many lands. Beware of quacl<3 who vainly try To pufl their wai*C3 ' up to the skj .' Reicct adulterated trash. That only 'cleans' you out of cash. On Simpson's Soap we ' Simpson ' sign Without which none is genuine. This startling attack on the other soap was, not allowed to pa.^ by the new and mysterious rival firms. Paragraphs immediately began to appear in all the papers to the effect that a libel action was about to be commenced by the proprietors of the ' Seraphim ' Soap, which would bring to light some extraordinary revelations as to scrips already in the market, and this was followed by an advertisement to the effect that at an early date a cake of Seraphim Soap would be left at the same moment of time with every householder in the United Kingdom, and that to accomplish this feat an extraordinary plan had been devised which would probably have the effect of revolutionising the post office system of parcel delivery. Mr Simpson was terribly upset by seeing an entirely new poster on the walls which caused crowds to assemble. It was a magnificently coloured representative of a race — one hor&e was leading by twenty lengths, and the others were stopping in spite of the efforts of their jockeys, with spur and whip, to drive them' forward. The leading horse's jockey had • Seraphim Soap" across his jacket, and tho other jockeys had ' Soap' on their breasts, the dash being used to avoid legal consequences, but, of course, everybody would know that Simpson's soap was meant to be among the beaten off division. In the meantime the Simpson travelleis were writing up from all over the country to say that orders were not so easy to get, that many chemists and perfumers were waiting to see what the Seraphim Soap was going to be. Then did Mr Simpson, roused to fury at the audacity of his rivals, gnash his teeth. He was beside himself with rage, especially as he had just made up his mind to take things easily and cut down tho advertisements. The rival advertising increased in volume. The railway stations wore smothered in

Seraphim Soap, and to complete bho discomfiture Mr Smithson, who had all the railway stations of the metropolis, refused, when Mr Simpson's contract expired, to renew it. 'I am very sorry,' he wrote, but yon told mo you ■wouldn't renew yours, and I have let your positions to the Seraphim people.' This was the lust drop in Bimpsou's cup, and he became more furious than ever. Perhaps after all this new soap might be a good one. There was certainly an enormous fortune behind it, and the people understood the art of advertising as well as he did They were, perhaps, young people, full of the dash, and energy of youth, while i he was beginning to feel that ho must take thingci easier. Presently a, paragraph went the round ot the Presf. stating that so enormous were tho advance orders from Amorica for Seraphim Soap that special vessels were being chartered to send the first consignments out. 4 IVJr Simpson grew despondent. He really began to bo afraid that Seraphim Soap might cub him out eventually, and his dejection was increased when, on applying for the back page of several Society and illustiated weeklies, he was inf'oimed that nothing could be said at present, as an offer from the Seraphim Company was under consideration. While he was in a state of tremendous excitement about the matter he one day met Mr Smithson, and in his anger paid some very hard things. He considered ho had boon badly used by Smitlison, after giving him so much business. 'I've paid you hundreds of thousands of pound?. Smiths-on,' ho exclaimed, * and it's a mean and disgraceful thing of you to fling me over for these now people. You 11 bo sorry for it by-ruid-by. ' 4 I'm 60i ry now,' replied Smithson, ' and I'll do what 1 can to help you,' ' What con you do V' ' Let's talk it over. Do you want the spaces again ?' ' Yes, of course 1 do.' ' Well, you poe, it's like this. My son took the Seraphim order, and it's oniy for three months. The thiee months expire directly, and they're on to Tom to renew it, and lie's considering the matter — in fact wo both arc' ' Are the railway stations up in a month, too?' ' Yes. ' ' Smithson, old boy, give me back all your hoardings and all the railway stations, lefuso tho Seraphim orders altogether, and name your own pi ice. ' 'Very well, your daughter's hand for my boy Arthur.' Mr Simpson staggeied back. This was tho leason that he had been sacrificed for Seraphim people then ! He was indignant, bub ho didn't say ' No' at once. He said ho must think it over, and he went home. That cvoning Lebty came to him after dinner and sat on the hassock at his feet, and was very nice and affectionate. 'Letty,' he said, presently, ' what about the Duke? Havo you really made your mind up about him ?' 1 Yes, papa, I don t change my mind. I'll mairy Arthur Smithson or die an old maid.' Mr Simpson eighed and thought the matter over. Of courso he couldn't vwVe his daughter marry ihe Dnke, and if she wouldn't many anybody but young Smithson it was certain thet when she was of age she would marry him whether her papa consented or nob. She had her poor dear mother '» determination, and Mr Simpson knew what that meant. If this was the stale of affairs, hadn't he better make a virtue of necessity and accept Arthur as a son-in-law, and get the hoardings and the stations again, instead of losing them, and his daughter into the bargain ? He slept on it, and in the morning he went round to Smithson and consented to the match, and agreed to the settlement which was co be made on Letty ; and Mr Smithson told him that Arthur should be taken into full partnership in the advertising business. Arthur and Letty were delighted, and renewed their courtship at once, and immediately after the deeds were drawn and signed and the public announcement of the engagement had been made, Seraphim Soap di«apppared from the hoardings, and Simpson's Soap reappeared in all its gloiy with the TLA. "s design, which was quite ready, and lepresentcd a group of beautiful maids all bathing togethor in a river, while a lovely golden-haired Cupid hovered over them and gallantly offered them a cake of Simpson's Soap. Mr Simpson was surprised to see that the Seraphim people's poster didn't appear somewheie else, and ho couldn't make out why. About the same time their advertisements dropped out of all the newspapeis. But or.c day Lefty came to him and said, 1 Papa, please don't be angry, I want to tell you something. Arthur was the Sciaphim Soap." 4 What !' Mr Simpson almost' jumped three feet out of his chair. 'Yes, papa,' said Lctty, a little nenously, 'it cost him a lot of money, nearly ton thousand pounds : but, as I shall have a hundred thousand the day we're married, it dooan't matter, does it ?' (Jraduallv it all came out. There was no soap at all. Arthur and his father had worked the whole thing between them, to bring Mr Simpson to his sense, and to sa\e Letty from the Duke. 4 But,' exclaimed Mr Simpson, when he knew all, 'why go to fo much expense? Lctty meant to marry you all along.' 'Yes, papa,' replied Letty, with a little blush, ' but we didn't want to have to wait till I was twon by-one ; did we, Arthur ?' 'No, wo didn't,' said Arthur. ' And avo didn't want you to give all your money to the hospitals ; did we, Arthur?' ' No, wo thought it would be very useful to us/ said Arthur. At first Mr Simpson was inclined to be in a great rage and to £ay he had been tricked and duped, etc., etc., but gradually he recovered his good temper, and at last he was able to laugh at the whole thing and to say | it was a good joke, though rather an ex1 pensive one. It was too expensive to waste, and presently he saw a way of using it. A little later ou the newspapers of the world announced that the Seraphim Soap had been withdrawn from the markeb in consequence of Mr Simpson having discovered that it was a direct imitation of hi", and ho had ao terrified the proprietors that they had withdrawn their advertisements and destroyed the entire stock. Consequently all the enormous orders tor Sei aphfm Soap were cancelled, and the customers were supplied with Simpson's instead, which brought everything right at last. Arthur Smitheon and Letty Simpson are married and very happy, and when a dear little baby appeared on the scene his afl'ecI tionate grandpapa eonb a cako of Simpson's 1 soap to every known baby in the United I Kingdom in honour of the event. The Duke of Knocklands eventually got over his disappointment and marrioi £200,000 worth of hair restorer, but he ! continues to be just as bald as evor. To this day his wife cannot understand why he

tomers?'

never sees a oake of Sunpson'fl Soap wibh-, oufc shedding a tear. You and I, gentle reader, can guess, thb reason, which is that Letty Simpson was a probty, attractive little girl, and it is understood that the daughter of tho marvollous hair producer has a tempor of hot 1 own, and is on the wrong side of thirty. Bub it would be both ungallanb and unkind to lot the Duchess into the tiecrot.