An American Hotel.

Te Aroha News, Volume VI, Issue 361, 20 April 1889, Page 4

An American Hotel.

A correspondent sends the following copy of a humorous advertisement of a Colorado hotel, as 'a very fair specimen of our American cousins' wit, especially of Western wit :' — Hotel Kitchen Leadville Co. Owned and conducted by the Kitchen Brothers. This Hotel has been built and arranged for the special comfort and convenience of summer boarders. On arrival, each guest will be asked how he likes the situation, and if he says the hotel ought to have been placed up on the knoll, or iurther down towards State-street, the location of the hou3e will be immediately changed. Corner front rooms, up only one flight, for every guest ; baths, gas, water-closet, hot and cold water, laundry, telegraph, restaurant, fire alarm, bar-room, billiard table, daily papers, coupd, sewing machine, grand piano, clergyman, and all other modern conveniences in every room. Meals every minute, if desired, and consequently no second table. English, French, and German dictionaries furnished every guest to make up such a bill ol fare as he may desire, without regard to the bill affair afterwards at the office. Waiters of any nationality and colour desired. Every waiter furnished with a libretto, buttonhole bouquet, full dress suit, ball tablet, and his hair parted in the middle. Every guest will have the best seat in the dining-hall, and the best waiter in the house. The office clerk has been carefully selected to please everybody, and can lead in prayor, play draw poker, match worsted at the village store, shake for drinks at any hour of the day or nignt, play billiards, good waltzer, can dance the German, make a fourth at euchre, amuse children, is a good judge of horse 3, as a railway reference is far superior to Appleton's or anybody else's guide, will flirt with any young lady and not mind being cut dead when pa comes down. Don't mind being damned any more than a Connecticut River ; can room forty people in the best room in the house when the hotel is full, attend to the annunciator and answer questions in Hebrew, Greek, Choctaw, Irish, or any other polite language without turning a hair. Dogs allowed in any room in the house. Gentlemen can drink, smoke, chew, swear, gamble, tell shady stories, stare at the new arrivals, and indulge in any other amusements common to summer resorts, in any part of the house. The proprietor will always be happy to hear that some other hotel is 'the best home in the country.' Special attention shown to parties who can give information as to c how these things are done in Denver. ' The proprietor will take it as a personal affront if any guest on leaving should fail to dispute the bill, tell him he is a swindler, the* house a barn, the table wretched, the wines vile, and that he, the guest, 'was never so imposed upon in his life, will never stop there again, and means to warn his friends.' Forclimate, beautiful scenery, andhealth, Leadville cannot be surpassed. Only one funeral in eleven weeks — the patient called a, doctor. , Solemn question with city people about to go to the country : " What shall we do with the bird and cat ?" One good way is to let the cat have the bird, and then kill the cafe. Why is the world like a five-arm ?— lb is a revolver.