CURRENT TOPIC. (By Zamiel in the " Auckland Star")

Te Aroha News, Volume VI, Issue 358, 10 April 1889, Page 3

CURRENT TOPIC. (By Zamiel in the " Auckland Star")

Some write a neighbour's name to lash Some write— vain thought J for needful cash, Some write to please the country clash, And raise a din. For me, an aim I never fash— I write for fun.

It is to be hoped that some attention will be paid to the letter published in the Sta r the other evening appealing against the proposal to establish a canteen in connection with the Easter encampment. A* 5 first sii^ht, the canteen might appear a proper accessory of a camp, and under other circumstances would probably not be objected to. But it should be borne in mind that our volunteer force includes a very large number of mere lads, gradually merging into manhood, and upon whom the restraints of home discipline are being loosened. The danger lies not only in placing liquor within their reach, but in encouraging them in the use of it. The lessons of previous camps should convince the volunteer authorities of the wisdom of abolishing 1 the canteen. Two or three days' picnic under canvas can surely be achieved without the assistance of alcoholic stimulants, and both from a social and moral standpoint the volunteer officers would be acting jsensibly if they gave a thought to the rising generation and did without; the canteen. ♦♦* * * * * * # We have in Auckland a tinsmith who is an adept in sleight-of-hand tricks, and who can produce globes of goldfish and water from his apparently empty coat tail pockets. His feats are very wonderful, but it appears to me that they are eclipsed by the exploits of an Albert-street stovemaker. Walking along the footpath of that street a day or two ago, I saw exposed for sale a cooking stove of fair proportions. It was nob the stove that took my attention particularly, nor yet the price, but it was the announcement placaided on the outside of the range, which informed the reader — " Larger ones inside." The stove wasn't a large one either, and no one would have suspected it of such duplicity. Surely things are not what they seem. *• * * # *■ * * * •*■ One does not expect to find anything very novel in a report prepared by Presbyterian parsons, and this must be my apology for reverting to a suggestion made at the Presbyterian General Assembly which recently met in Auckland. The Assembly had a committee on "The State of Religion and IVi orals," and one of the wise conclusions to which this committee arrived, after twelve months' incubation, was *• that the time has now arrived when the Government of New Zealand should be in the hands of Christian men, and Christian men only." The report was adopted, too, if I recollect aright, and this being so I'm anxiously waiting to see what's a-going to be done. How many members of the present Legislature are going to "count in" as Christians, and how shall we separate the goats from the sheep ? Perhaps we had Better make a start at the next general elections, and I would recommend the Reverend Fathers and Brethren to have every candidate compelled to answer the question " Are you a Christian ?' Let the man who answers in the affirmative be placed at the top of the poll with a Christian "plumper," and tother fellow at the very lowest place on the list — that is if you can believe a politician even when he tells you he is a Christian. Would you ? The trouble is, the candidates would all want to be at the top. * * • A funny story is now being told at the expense of a well-known citizen who was formerly proprietor of one of the city hotels. Since his retirement from business he has purchased a horse and trap, and amuses himself by driving out occasionally into the country. The other day a friend told him that he had an orchard in a country place about ten mile? out of the city, and said if he chose to drive out there he was welcome to help himself to the fruit. The offer was gladly accepted, and a few days afterwards our friend drove in the direction indicated, taking a comrade with him. They found the orchard all right, and had gathered a quantity of the fruit, when a man arrived upon the scene and charged them with robbery. He was the owner of the orchard. The visitor tried to explain matters, and finally offered to pay for the fruit, but all to no purpose. He accordingly returned to town considerably disgusted. This feeling increased next day when a gentleman in blue took him into arrest on the charge of stealing fruit. Despite his protestations and explanations, he was escorted to the police station, where he remained until his friend who had given him permission to take the fruit was sent for. A little conversation soon explained how the mistake had arisen. It transpired that there were two orchards alongside each other, and, as ill-luck would have it, he had got into the wrong one, hence his arreßt. Of course no further proceedings were taken, and he was liberated from custody. Next time he wants fruit he i? going to buy it at auction, and thus avoid the risk of being run in. ♦ ♦ ♦ * -w + ♦ * * " There is balm in Gilead, corn in Egypt, and hope for Waipu." Hitherto 1 have been led astray as to the true character of the inhabitants of this much-spoken-about ' locality. I have even been tempted to ask, "Can there any good thing come out of Waipu ?"' And until a few days ago my question had remained unanswered. My ideas regarding the "Waipu people were that most of them being "Hielan" they would inherit some of the likes and dislikes of their ancestors ; and that Waipu being one of the strongholds of the Prohibitionists, a large amount of sly grog-selling would take place. Burns says that " whisky and freedom gang the gither," but it would have been more to the point if he had said that Highlanders and whisky ■ had a natural affinity for each other. It is an utter impossibility for Highlanders to exist without the "barley bree." Therefore, 1 contended, in spite of Prohibition agents, Gospel Temperance meetings, in spite of everything, the Highlander must and would have his dram. ♦*♦ * * * ♦ * ■* These and such as these were my ideas regarding Waipu till recently, when a " change came o'er the spirit of my dream," and a friend of mine who has been visiting that — as- 1 now find — much-slandered district, brings glad tidings regarding it. He has never seen, he says, in any part of New Zealand that he haa visited, such beautiful, accomplished and splendid women, nowhere else has he seen such strapping men. The characteristics of the ladies he especially dilated upon, advising me if I or any of my friends ever thought of marrying, we should viwLfc Waipu before doing so. There, according to him, no such thing as a corset is known, and the ladies' waists on that account have not that squashed-up

appearance which disfigures mosfc of the Auckland ladies. The bustle is another unknown invention. , There in that secluded township live the most beautiful of women, and for aught I know might have lived there yet, and like the flower, have " blushed unseen," but I thank my stars that these treasures have been unearthed, that these priceless gems have been found. Ho ! ye men who row the tug boat on the Waipu River, charter the Great Eastern, and your fortune 'is made, , for, as soon aa the knowledge of such an earthly Paradise is widespread, crowds, nay, whole provinces will invade Waipu, and carry off its fairest flowers. Ye maids of Bombay, weep; andgnashyour teeth, ye beauties of Ponsonby and liemuera —but take care they don't fall out—you have all been rudely torn from the high pinnacle which you, erstwhile, have occupied in my too susceptible heart. Your glories have departed since first I heard that "the finest-looking women" were to be found in your respective locations. Then I knew nob of VVaipu. But can you compare with the Waipu belles ? Can you milk cows and play the piano? Can you hoe " taters " and trip the light fantastic ? It you can, I have not been apprised of it, but the Waipu beauties are guai'anteed to be able to do all these things, and unless you can show that your capabilities are equal to them I must " chuck you up." An Aucklander who has been ' ' doing " the South Sea Islands, and was by last accounts at Samoa, writes to me that he has come to the conclusion that "it's a wonderful place to read about in books, but it's no place for a white man with any ambition to go to with the object of settling down." He says : *' In this place morality is the lea«t thought of, whisky the most," and he also informs me how much he had to give for a drink, 2s being charged for a pint of lager beer. The Samoan women, he says, smother their bodies with cocoanut oil, and you can smell them when fifty I yards off. Consequently my correspondent, being an extremely moral young man, doesn't like Samoa, and he's going to have a look at some as yet unexplored (by himself) regions before bestowing his affections for better or for worse either upon one of these beauteous isles, or upon one of their beauteous beauties. *** * * * * v * A Frenchwoman has hit upon a new plan of raising funds for charitable purposes, which, original as it is, and successful as it proved in her case, would, I am afraid, meet with scant encouragement in Auckland. The following extract from an English paper explains the system : "At a beautiful villa near Paris was lately given a charming" fete. Pretty women by scores were present, and the loveliest among the party was Mme. T., always eminently c the fashion.' At the commencement of the ball a young gallant, the flower of the sporting clubs, hastened to be the first to aek her to dance. 4 With pleasure, sir,' replied she. 'It is twenty francs.' ' Madame !' replied the puzzled cavalier. 'I said twenty francs, monsieur.' ' I bog your pardon, madame,' replied he, smiling, ' there is a misunderstanding. I had the honour to ask your hand for a waltz.' 'Ah! you are right,' replied the lady quickly ; ' there was a misunderstanding. I thought you asked me for a quadrille ; but, since it is a waltz, it will be forty francs.' More puzzled than e^er, the gentleman wained an explanation, which she gave him with a gracious smile : ' Do you not understand, sir, that I am dancing for the benefit of the inundated? It is one louis for a quadrille, two for a waltz, and no reduction in price.' Ab this rate Madame T. had no lack of partners, and bravely and charitably danced to the close of the ball. " *** * * * Without wishing to offend the average Auckland young lady, Zamiel can only assure his readers that for his part, instead of paying twenty francs for the privilege of dancing with the " average Auckland young lady," he would expect to receive a remuneration quite as large for the pains he would be pub to. Only a Frenchwoman or a sparkling American miss would have thought of such a source of revenue, but no doubt in France and the States the men are not so particular. I suppose, at any rate, that they would prefer this way of getting rid of their superfluous cash to beingbuttonholedata " bazaar"or " church fair," and having it slowly drawn from him in exchange for certain dear, flim?y and useless articles. I can well remember two or three experiences of mine at these bazaars, and am sure that the French mode would have been more bo my taste on those occasions if I had been permitted to choope my own partners and not the partner choose me, as they did at the bazaars. Of course, in that case, I should have wanted something better than the "ordinary young Auckland lady."