CURRENT TOPIC. (By Zamiel m the " Auckland Star,")

Te Aroha News, Volume VI, Issue 356, 3 April 1889, Page 3

CURRENT TOPIC. (By Zamiel m the " Auckland Star,")

Some write a neighbour's name to lash tiouie write —vain thought ! for neocttul cash, Some write to please the country i;lash, And raise a din. For me, an aim I never fash — I write for fun.

Hist ! Hugh feh-bh ! A most interesting secret --unit ajlk ire da cumit, gei>tle reader — a declaration of the tender passion from alla 11 admirer of Zdmiel, and an offer of marriage into the bargain ! Ought I to print it ? I see no reason why I shouldn't —of course suppressing the lady's name — tor there is nothing so flattering to a man's vanity as the knowledge that his charms of person or of intellect have impressed one of the fair sex in his fayour. Pardon me, my fair adorer, if in the excess of my joy I do an3 T thing txKoffend thy native modesty ! Here is thß letter :—: — •'Uk\kk-t Z a Juki.. — As an excuse for this letter Hilow mo ti» stato that I am to you uir known, but am nevertheless one of your ardent admirers. 1 have read with much pleasure and some profit all your ellusions tor several years past, and would be very sorry indeed if Random Shots ct-asod to appear. The chief object oE this letter is to ask you a p'am question; to which I hope you will return a plain answer : it is, " Zdmiel," are you married ! I aincercly hope you will not think this impertinent. The frequency with which you drag Mrs Zamiel into your iemailvshns oftirnes raised doubts in my mind of her existence. 1 ennnot help thinking it is very suspicious. You no doubt have hoard of JVlrs Gainp^anciher.special friend- Mrs Harris; 1JJ063 not the case of Mrs Zamiul oear a striking resemblance to that ot?Mis Harris? If my surmise is correct, ,1 trust to j ottr v. ell-known gujlantryto lot nib know. 3Jo no| pray cpn&ider cheCK the cause oi this anxious inquiry, but ] gather female curiosity. It I was one of the lords of creation I might call it a desire for informatiou. In case I have really hit the nail on the head, let-me tell you that yo\i need not travel pny.nioreafom 1 through this woary world, for there is one "here who will count it her groatcat "blessing to '-hare your joys and sol-rows. Jf there is a Mrs Zamiel it will be just as well j not to leave this in any oL your pockets, or anywhere else v\ here Mr& Z. might drop across it, for you know there might be ructions. Hay- j ing thus laid bare my heart, I conclude, Dear Zamiel,— Yours faith tully, A What freshness and naivete are displayed there, dear reader, combined with the most accurate penetration. The fair admirer has laid bare a secret which I have cheiished as fondly as the historic " Sairey " did that of the mythic nature of her guide, philosopher and friend. Mrs Harris,, Yes ; 'tis too true; there' ain't -no such " pusson ' as Mrs Zami^l, and for myself I am but a cranky sort of bachelor, too much afraid of thefaii sex even to pop the question. Mrs Z. and the. juvenile Z. 'a were bo many foils, or shields if you will, to turn from me the slings and arrows of life, particularly those wrapped in, calico ! And now that I am found out, what shalLl do? Surrender at discretion and ask the amiable A to name the ha"ppy day ? Now that my secret, is out, 1 ffefel that I must mairy somebody in aelf defence,' and- A — - may awsweras well as any other . l?h'ere are just one- or twt> little conditions that I shall require in the sharer of my joys and $orrpw&, which' I will briefly state for the. benefit of all my admirers, present and prospective, of the feminine gender. The Mrs Z. that is to be must be tall, dark, oeautiful, cultured, not over thirty years of ajj;,e, and, have not under thirty thousand pounds in hard, cash. No, widows need applyj. Perhaps it' is. because oL uhes^ conditions" that I have -beep' too diffident about asking anyone to becpmfenjy .blushing bride;, but, now that 'th,e jrcfe.has been brqken, I feel like inviting con] petition for my hand and heart. "Sealed .tenders " should be addressed to Zamiel, $7!AJi Office, without delay ; then as the registrar's office is " moighty conyaynient," 'the ■" tender " affair pan be " sealed " very speedily. Don't all write by one mail, ladies ; be merciful to the letter-carrier ! Of course, A-?— has a'preferenfcial claim, to the-jwuze — that f is, if 'site can comply with the necessary conditions.' The proverb has it that' "-extremes 'meet/' 'and ib w,ould ftea striking verification oiUbs truth if A. ' and Z. should be tied closely together in a' knob which only Mk Justice Gillies ,or Mrßeaper Death could untie ! * * * * # -r *• * # I have nob an intimate acquaintance with the peculiarities of Whiiehead torpedoes, bub I must confess bo a sjighb flubber of uneasiness on learning that .'one 6'f these most formidable weapons x)f mdiiern , warfare had gob loose in our harb'b'ur." % The concern was sunk : in the deep blue waters of, the Waitenib,ta about a week ago, and for all we have been ' informed to the contrary, there bhe blessed afl'aic remains, notwithstanding the temptation of £10 offered for its return- sate and sound to H.M.s. Orlando. Here now is a grand opening for a speculative fishing

expedition,' with the special inducement of a £10 prize. I can just imagine one of our enthusiastic- amateur fishermen hauling hard on his line with the monster attached, and a hearty chorus of?brother fishers sing!ing: s ,; • „•. . ' This fish, ohTindoed, oh, Was tC regular torpedo, ' '■And' oh and oh! etc, etc. But suppose the blessed concern ibusted. Where, oh, where would the fishermen be, and who would finish the 'stirring chorus ? The poet i«t out just now, ,or his services would undoubtedly be called dnto requisition for something very pathejtic containing a free sprinkling of •* ohe," which would undoubtedly make fine rhyme with torpedoes and fish'oh's, if the fitful muse \Vere only up to the musing point. In the meantime, however, I must have some more information about 1 that torpedo:'' 1 ' *** * * * •*■ * I * > "I don't drink tea, I'm an Edenibe." This remark ' assailed Zamiel's ears the other evening. Looking up he saw before him a well-dressed young lady, who seemed very much in earnest. "Fashions havo altered since Edenism first came in," he remarked as he noticed that bhe young lady (was Dodecked with all the additions which tend to make the shadow of the girl of tho period so much like that of an emu. " Yes, tashions have changed greatly, bub I suppose the old style would hardly do now-a-days. What do you expect to gain by being an Edenite ?" "Oh! all sorts of things. We shall live tor agfes, become beautiful as angels, never be unhealthy r and have excellent complexions. " " That is worth bomething, but how is it to bo done ?" " Well, you see," replied the apostle of Edenism, "we eat no cooked food." ,"' That means eating meat raw," said Mr Zamiel. "No such thing as meat passes our lips. Wo live solely upon fruit, cold ( water and ground wheat." "All righb for the summer, but too cool for winter to my mind," said Zamiel. " That may be, but we shall go on living and watch you meat eaters be carried on one alter another to the tomb," said the lady. Zamiel's face became thoughtful as ho replied, " Eventhat in no gain to you, for while <.-your attenuated, skeletons are labouring on.-h^re-dragging out a weary existence, the soul of •such philanthropists as Zanxie.l will be (loppins round above trying the newest fashion in wings, and racing with other, kindred spirits acres' the unlimited realms of space." The idea of Zamiel furnished with wings was too much for the fair Edcnito, and bhe lapsed into silence, merely saying that those who adopted the doctrine must expect to have the finger of scorn pointed at them. ■i' * * * „ * ,# > *• Seeing that the, lady was absolutely in earnest, Zamiel made inquiries with regard to the life led by the Edenitcs. It appears that, as previously 'stated, they eat fruit and ground wheat •' ami drink nothing but watei. No cooked food passes their lips, and tea- bhatnmversal reviver— is barred tho same as other forbidden .luxuries. The theory seems -tp be that eating truib i& eating life, while v,cooked food, being dead, a-eally tends tOj the tomb. The doctiine is, of course, nob new, lor there was a couple started on that line in Eden abous 6,000 years ago. The female ate trmt with a vengeance, and her eldest son was a fratricide, but then he tended flocks, so I sup pose he will count on the opposite side. In more recent days Edenism ha? developed in that tand of " notions," America, and now it has travelled thi* far. Already several families havo adopted the doctiin,e, and they unite in declaring that, like a wooden leg, it's all right when you get used to it T but rather dry^at first. We are promised it^,{>he near future a series of lectures uppji* "Edenism." Its votaries will be attired in Edenite eopfnme, not the original, ot course, but something between j that and the white robe© with which angels are supposed to be supplied. Zamiel was so impressed' with' the earnestness of ,the Edenite that he encountered that he went out and bought some pears right away, after which he visited the grocery stoic, ostensibly to buy a box of vestas, but really to slip a handful of wheat into his mouth to see how it tasted. 'The first effort was not a success, ( but thei c is*no knowing what time may accomplish, and the day may nob be far distant when the knights oi the cleaver, drapers and clothiers will find, fchem&elves out ot work, while the angelic Edenites will require nothing but a fey» acres of land to grow wheat and fruit, and that particular fig tree with large leaves. <■ -. i- - r .f. + * -{. jt We are continually hearing of cranks who, afllicted with some delusion, feel compelled to do something or other that may or may not be within the bounds of rea&on. .Twelve good merV and true have declared McDermott, the authdr of bhe "Swansbn Istreet tragedy, fco be a crank. v ery few people would have 'much hesitation in declaring " Jack the Ripper " to be a crank, though a very dangerous one. But the crank that takes the cake is a mysterious being of the masculine gender, who haunts, or rabher a few weeks back did haunt, St. Louis, and who was in the habit ot kissing every pretty woman he met, and then giving her a Card having the following inscription :—: —