CURRENT TOPICS.

Te Aroha News, Volume VI, Issue 352, 20 March 1889, Page 4

CURRENT TOPICS.

(By ZAMiELin "Auckland fcjlav."(

Some write a neighbour's name to lash Some -write— vain thought ! for ncodful cash, Some write to please the country clash, And raise a din. For me, an aim I never fash— 1 write for fun.

The very latest is tokl at the expense of a verdant young man of Newton. He .'-ecently took unto him a fair charmer as wife, but unfortunately for himself he had not informed himself respecting her qualifications as a housewife. Poor creature, sh c did her best, and if the pastry was guaranteed to kill at ten yards, and the roast beef calculated to make her hubby a coniirmed dyspeptic, why of course everyone requires to learn, and we all know the value of the old saying — '* If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again." Our young wife did try, try, try again, and with this result: After two weeks' experience of matrimony, the young- husband made his appearance at the maternal domicile, and throwing himself into the "old woe den locker," thus uuburdoned himself — " Mother, have you got anything cooked in the house ? If you have, let me have it for God's sake, for I haven't had a square meal for a whole fortnight !" The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law don't speak now. T3ie humours of the recent session of the Anglican General Synod have not been retailed to Aucklanders, probably because the meeting took place at the other end of the colony ; but I see the Southern papers have been making the most of the ludicrous aspects ot the grave assembly. Perhaps the best iolce, from an Auckland point of \iew, is an unconscious one perpetrated by the Christ-church "Star" in its lepoitof one of the Synodical discussions. The debate v as on the bill giving power for relr.oving an incumbent from office, ami the leport goes on to say :—": — " The ii'eiw. Boardma a and Upton supported the bill, as did most of the speakers (including the Bishop of Waiapu) who took pait in the discussion." Remo\ingan incumbent, quotha! Here we ha\e two of Auckland's lay vepresentathes converted into incumbents in the twinkling of a bedpost. If any of my readers have noticed an air of superiority about [Messrs Board man and Upton bince their return from Dunedin, thoy will now know the reason vhy. But the hugest joke of the Synod was the election of Prhnite, which resulted in a complete " boil over."' A writer in the " Canterbury Times " has hio this topic off in verses which >?ould be a credit to W. S. Gilbert, and which I cannot do better than quote. They run as follows :: — ■

THE PRIMAC7. With fear and doubt I set about To write upon the Primacy, A thins? as giave for jesting stave As any that in rhyme I see. Yet spite of crook, or bell and book, And fulmiuations drasticnl, 1 11 give my view, and hope it new. On things ecclesiastical. " How did it fall," they ask us all, '•That matters took this thrilling turn. And, as we see, the Primacy Adorns my Lord of Wellington ?" ]\Jv friends, I cry, don t wonder whj . But think upon each candidate ; You'll see I vouch how Bishop H. Was destined for his splendid fate. Fust, Auckl mcl grave, alas ! don't shave And. like a grey barbarian, With bearded chest and hirsute breast. Proclaims himselt a (hJArian ; Then, if you think, for half a w ink, What syllables with Xevill rhyme, You couldn't mean, or wish, or dream The Church should with the d 1 chime, The Synod vext just eyed the next, The'modestlord of Waiapu ; They cried his name, and lo ! again It echoed back as '• Why ! ah ! pooh !" Why Nelson's sw am made suit in vain, low n's to me inscrutable ; But churchmen said that, as a head, That suitor wasn't suitable. So though they say the previous day Xotone had dared to bet it or Predict it, well, it thus befell Tiiere stayed hut one competitor, And though, in sooth, our flippant jouth . Have named him "living skelington,'' The Primacy, that office high. Went quite of right to Wellington. The most comical reason I have seen assigned for the election of Bishop Had field is that he was chosen because he was the least robust, and therefore most likely to create an early vacancy, for which a Christcburch Bishop will be in waiting. That seems feasible, if we can suppose bishops, clergymen and synodsmen to be actuated by such low moth es ; but Bishop Hadfield has a trick of cheating the grave (it is some thirty years since Bishop Selwyn wrote about being back from somewhere in time to attend "poor Hadtield's funeral"), and he will probably outlive the whole bench of Bishops, with the Re\s. Board man and Upton thio»vn in. In times of war, lequisitioning upon friends and foes is frequently necessary, but it was an invariable habit with the "great Duke,"' as it is the px-esent custom of English commanders, to pay the full market rate for anything that the exigencies of the service might compel them to appropriate. Our local military leaders will do well to remember that it is not an English custom to requisition without payment, though, from what I am informed happened a few days back at the North Shore, some of our citizen officers appear to be of a different opinion. The aggrieved part}', who, by the way, is of the feminine persuasion, and whose face is well known to the habitues of the racecourses a& a stall-holder for the sale of temperance refreshments, informs me thac for some time &he has had a stand near the Takapuna racecourse, and for convenience sake s?he had left the chairs, tables, etc., necessary to her occupation on the ground. On going over there on February 23rd she found all her things removed but one table, and on inquiry found that they had been requisitioned by the volunteers who had been encamped there. Whilst she was bemoaning her fate an officer ot the Navals pub in an appearance and claimed from the woman the sum of 7s 6d, apparently a sorb of rent for bhe site. As she had not the money she suggested that if the charge was a correct one they should wait until she had earned it and then she would pay i up The "non-com." retired to consult j his superior officer, who happened to be of , CJerman extraction, and the latter, no doubt anxious to emulate the excellent spirit of his countrymen as shown ab Samoa, marched down upon bhe frightened woman, swelling wibh indignation, and the fire ol a thousand Bismarcks in his eye. He refused any f irther parleying on the momentous subject, bub ordered bhe money to be paid forthwith, or he would march down twenty men and pull the whole thing aboub her ears ! She stood not upon the order of her going, but went ab once, thankful to greb away before anyone was injured, collecting afterwards one by one the articles requisitioned from her ; bub now that the excitement is over &he is anxious to know v habit all meanb and whether she oughb nob to have received paymenb rather than have payment demanded from her.

The "Due d'Aumale has returned to Paris, where he was warmly welcomed. He pubHcly expressed his gratitude to President Carnot for the permission extended to him to return from exile.