CURRENT TOPICS.

Te Aroha News, Volume VI, Issue 350, 13 March 1889, Page 4

CURRENT TOPICS.

(By Z.VMiELin " Auckland Stay.")

" Poor old Te Kooti !'' Now that the murderous scoundrel has been caught; and tamed by a couple of days' incarceration in Auckland prison, the popular tune has changed, and there is a feeling of commiseration for the drivelling, helpless, and whisky- sodden old wretch who has gone back bo the YVaikato, feeble, bleared wheezy, and hopelessly dejected. " Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof," and I am firmly persuaded that the present attitude of the European population towards the once dreaded Te Kooli is more to be commended than that of mingled rage and terror which was latnpanb two weeks ago. Since the " scare" is over, I fancy most folks are of this opinion, and those who were most demonstrative are or ought to be thoroughly ashamed of their undignified panic and unchristian ferocity. I am not ona of those who blame the C«overnment in the matter. Their every step has been commendable and coi recb, though of course capable of being: frightfully distorted by political opponents. And even supposing they did blunder a little, the master-stroke by which they finally settled the difficulty ought to absolve them completely. To have outwitted so sharp a young lawyer as W. J. Napier, and one so keen of scent when there was a prospect of fat fees and much notoriety, is an achievement of which Mr Mitchelson may well b9 proud. Plainly put, there is nob the slightest doubt that the Government found Te Koobi's bail and packed him off secretly and hurriedly in order to avoid the long and troublesome litigation which would certainly have ensued had the lawyers got a finger in the pie. The conviction was perhaps illegal, and could have been made the subject of much subtle hair-splitting and losric-chop-ping ; but the Government showed a proper appreciation of the affair by treating it as a farcical peiformance meant to intimidate the old imbecile. So, with tongue in cheek, Mr Mitchelson returns to the seat of Government, and though the lawyers rage, the colony is well pleased at having once more got rid of " the native difficulty." * * * ■>•■ * * * y- * The Premier and Native Minister have been blamed for hob-nobbing with the pardoned murderer while he was in Auckland some weeks ago, but there are other folks whose treatment of the old sa/age has been quite as open to condemnation. For instance, it is recorded in the chronicles of the East Coast Expedition of 1889 that when Major Porter led his army against the rebel horde at Waioeka, he advanced to Te Kooti and solemnly rubbed noses with him in Maori fashion. Then again, after Mr Bush, KM., had pronounced a sentence on Te Kooti which was equivalent to one of six months' imprisonment, he descended from the Bench and warmly shook hands with the prisoner in the dock. These incidents piove that there must be something peculiarly amiable and attractive about a Maori offender. Fancy Inspector Broham affectionately embracing Alike O'Rafferby, when he was brought up for being drunk and disorderly, and Dr. Giles after pi'onouncincr sentence warmly shaking 1 the bloated soaker by the hand ! Conceive the picture of several thousands of admiring citizens assembling to see Mike placed in the black Maria, and going off disappointed because they were denied a glimpse ot the hero j and then to crown all, imagine Sir Harry Atkinson going bail for Mike, pinning a bib of blue on his bosom and sending him off with a fatherly advice to behave better in future ! Bah ! It disgusts me to think of all the outrageous beslobbering of a brown-skinned scamp, and I feel profoundly thankful that the clever manoeuvering of the Government has knocked on the head the movement for mandamus, writs of habeas corpus, certiorari, and so forth, ending in the canonisation of the poor injured victim of injustice. Enough ; let the memory of the massacres be wrapped in oblivion, and let their author unnoticed return " To the vile dust from -which he sprung, Unwept, unhonoured and unsung !" * --<• * -f- * ♦ * X There is gnashing of teeth among the doctors, and all the odium medicum i s aroused. The Thames Hospital Board have announced that advice and medicine will be dispensed by the House Surgeon at the Hospital at the moderate price of five shillings to such as are able to pay for it, and che " Australasian Medical Gazette " is at once to the front with a howl against fche " indecency "of the a(Tair. According to this high and mighty organ of the medical profession, the doctor who gives medicine and advice on these terms " prostitutes his profession," and is a " facile tool " of a scoundrelly Board. Dr. MacMullen, late of Auckland, has taken the trouble to write from Melbourne to inform the public of these parts that this five shilling fee business is " dangerous and prejudicial to the interests of the sick poor," apparently for the simple reason that it is "unprecedented" — for no other rational ground for his opinion is disclosed. Now, •'Zamiel" is not frightened of a thing simnly because it is "unprecedented," and he rather likes the notion of supplying cheap advice and medicine to those who are nob able to pay the unreasonable fees of the profession, and yet object to be classed as paupers. More power to the Thames Hosoitai Board, say I, and I trust that the attempt of the doctors' trade union to boycott their hou&e surgeon will not succeed. In the interests of the sick pocr of Auckland, and as the best means of extending the usefulness of the Hospital, I should like to see the same system in vogue here. * * -i. * *■ # * * * Rats ! The latest testimonial to the purity of the city water supply is as unique as ib is effective. Ib has been fully proved that blind - worms, eels, and • insects of various sorts could exist in the water-pipes ; bub it has now been shown that higher forms of life can flourish on a watery diet. The other day, as the veracious Star reporters testify, a lady who was drawing water for the dinner was astounded at a young rat coming popping out of the tap into the soup-x)ot. Like the fly in amber — " The thing itoelf is neither strange nor rare ;— The point is— How the it got there V In these hard times, ib will be good news for housewives to know that animal food is supplied with the water, without extra charge, and as the " running beast " is landed all alive, oh ! there can be no doubt as to the freshness of the meat. Ib is pleasant to reflect that the Incendiary Rat has found a new vocation, and, instead of setting fire to well-insured premises, has allied himself with the Fire Brigade ; but it is not so cheering to think that the waterdrinker is now likely to have the experience of the drunkard in the jim-jams, and to be tormented with visions of "Rats." Would ib<nob be better if the rat had sbuck to the incendiary role, rather than have thus inflicted a crushing blow on the cause Prohibition ?

" William Nestor" writes with the view of giving me u a little quiet and serious talk and advice ; but as thi3 extends to four pages of very dry hash, I don't suppose my readers would care to have it reproduced. William, I have no doubt, means well, when he condemns my " flippant remarks, '' and counsels me to go in for the "powerful discourse " style' of thy evangelical preacher ] but he is densely unconscious of the ludicrousness ot his advice. Ib would be as unbecoming in me to sermonise as it would be for the jestor in his cap and bells to mount the pulpit and thunder I forth the threatenings of the law. Does my Nestorian friend really imagine that thoro is no seriousness bohind my badinage? j Or does he think that mirth is madness and a playful disposition sinful ? Is he endowed with that gloomy and stern Puritanic nature which utterly fails to see the bright side of things, and cannot comprehend that, the laughter born of a sense of the incongruities ' and drolleries of life is the surest symptom of a soul at peace with itself and in harmony with its surioundings ? ■X *• I"- * * ■>* • * -JVerily it would seem that such aie his views and disposition, for hero is what he seriously writes:— "l really believe that the flippancy and ehallowness so often seen in our colonial press will eventually produce amongst readers an inaptitude for managing the stern and solid realities of existence, and will eventuate in producing a crop of lawless and shallow men and women that will work their own destruction. I believe that a sneer from an influential paper does more towards diverting many young men and women, especially men, from religious influences than a Sunday's service can retain. See, now, devote your pen towards giving our young men who throng on streets at night, and contaminate their mouths with bad tobacco and worse language, some object or aspiration to which they can hold in common." My censor implies that when I do write I anything funny, it is always "malicious, vain, and vulgar." Now, I have a settled conviction that, though I sometimes fail in being witty, I am uniformly polished, pleasing and to the point, and occasionally deeply in earnest. If I am wrong, and " VViiliam Nestor" right, then I have egregiously mistaken my vocation, and I deserve to be condemned to write moral twaddle and Sunday school stories all the remaining days of my life. * * * * -4 * * ■* # There are many eccentric characters round Auckland, characters that would delight the heart of a Dickens and set the fingers of a Hogaith itching. Among these may be mentioned one maiden lady who is eccentric to a desrree. Having become what the French would call of a certain age, her eccentricities are the more marked. Still her bosom is not yet cold to the tender passion, and she has cast eyes of love upon a young man in town who serves behind the counter of a draper's shop. Week after week, and many time3 in a week, that unfortunate young man has to serve the behest of his lady love. Wearily he labours under rolls of silks and satins and velvets, etc. , etc. , while this fond creature dotes on him with loving glances. The worst of it is that she never buys anything, she never gets her invariable piece of black velvet matched, and now her appearance in the door is the signal for hearty cursing from the proprietor, giggling from the girls, blushes from the favoured youth, and lepressed glee Irom his companions. •S * * * * it *• ♦ *• This eccentric individual played it rather low on a local clergyman some time back. She sent a heartrending rnessaee to this reverend sir praying him to come and bury her child. He not being wise in his geneiation and thinking all was right, went tirsb of all to comfort the unfortunate mother, when he was taken by her into a bedroom, where cleanly and reverently laid out ready for the coffin was a dear little poodle. The cleigyman was horrified and could notunderstand suchapi'ank ; was it a practical joke? then it was a heartless one. The lady was not slow with her reply, and with her eyes flowing over with teai*3 she informed him that that was theonlyohildshe had, and oh! she did love it so. The dog was subsequently buried in the kitchen garden and a tombstone erected over his l'emains, but Zamiel will not hazard a speculation as to who read the burial service ; assuredly the clergyman didn't. ■* ■* # * ■* t # -ir *■ There are some persons who dread nothing so much as having bo Avork, and in order to evade that fate are prepared to submit to any indignity. An instance of this occurred recently. For some time past free passes have been allowed on the Auckland railways to unemployed persons who wish to go into the country in search of work. Tin?, of course, is a boon, and one would naturally suppose that the recipients, if successful in obtaining work, would be grateful, and, if honest, would repay the cost of fare ; but such apparently is not the case. Although the Hospital and Charitable Aid Board have now issued some hundreds of these passes, still only one man had, up to a recent date, the honesty to remit the fare. Nor is this all. It has now transpired that some ot these habitual unemployed have been making a little by getting these free passes and then selling them at reasonable rites to persons who really wished to go up the country on their own business. By this method one travelled a little cheaper than if he bought a ticket, whilst the other obtained the price of a few glasses of beer. One gentleman has recently discovered that he was victimised by a chronic " hard up." For the last twelve months ho has given this fellow odd coins. At length the notion struck him that ib would be as well to get him a free pass and pack him off up the country. This was done, and he chuckled with satisfaction at having got rid of the incubus. No such luck, however, awaited him, for the next week a hesitating step in the office warned him that his old friend Hard. Up had arrived. Next minute the wellknown voice was heard with the old request for sixpence to get him a loaf of bread, as he wa3 starving. This was too much for the patience of the doler of charity, and the next instant Chronic Hard Up shot out of the office with the toe of a boot in remarkably close proximity to the spot where it is supposed that our ancestors' caudal appendage was rubbed off as they advanced in civilisation. # * # * * i» ■*■ * * If asked for a candid opinion, I should say that it is the ladies' privilege to talk when and where they like. A wide definition, you might observe, but none the less true. You know the old saw, the last two lines of which run :—: — For it she will, she will, you may depend on't, And if Phe won't she won't, and there's an end on't. Talk they certainly will, -where and when they like, so we, the " lords of creation," need nob argue the matter, but grant them permission as a privilege, it saves our dignity at least, though it does not contribute to our comfort. Now, gentle reader, if you want to see ladies' tongues at work as nature evidently intended them to be, go to a Choral

Society practice. Of course the dears go to heat the music, bub it gives such a delightful cover for conversation, and don't their tongues jusb wag ! I lookod in the othor evening, and I must sayl was considerably edified by what I saw and heard, though by no means surprised, for my acquaintance with the foibles of the \\ eaker sex has been of an extended description. # * * I gave you my experiences of church the other Saturday ; now for a practice of our groat musical society in their hall. "Jephtha " was the piece under rehearsal, and as the performers are privileged I will pass them by with a brief word. I must say, however, that there was food for moralising even on those high benches. I will nob criticise the singing — to me it was delicious, and additional enjoyment was added in a certain element of low comedy thrown in by the deep gutturals of the respected conductor when somobhing went wrong. Every now and then the smart rap of his baton had to call the attention of some wandering sineer to his music, or order a halt for the whole chorus ; then anon his deep voice rose with a gi'eab effort to encourage tho flagging toil of one .-side or the other. Then again he would declare that ho hoped this humbug would stop, and smartly remind the altos or sopranos that thero wero so many shai ps or flais in what they were singing. Some of them seemed to treat ib as a \ cry good jove, and I must say I enjoyed it, too. *• * * # * i<- # *■ -f But it is the audience you want. The evening I was thore the muster was a largo one, and the seats in the dimly-lighted hall were well filled. There was a vast preponderance of the weaker sex, and those ot the lords of creation present seemed to have a desire to keep in dark or remote corners, and to be content with earnest scrutiny of well - loved faces from afar. Here and there was a family group, tho mother and two or three daughters, the former so staid, as sombre as tho hall itself, while the latter teemed to say " We would if we dared." At opposite sides, and in deep &hade, X noticed two couples. What they were saying is best known to themselves, bub I don't suppose ib sounded any the less nice from being accompanied by the noble swelling strains of a glorious choms. They were content ; their little world for the time being satisfied them, and what did it matter to anyone else ? I could see here and there a gallant cavalier who evidently had two or three of the fair sex under his escort. Sly dogd the younger generation must be ; they have not deteriorated in the least, they are up to the Fame old pranks that " Zamiel " remembers were in vogue in his halycou day?. Aery old trick the present one. You take three ladies to a concert, or rather escort them (there is a vast difference between take and escort, as, reader, your pocket could tell), and see if you don't have a pleasant evening if the one is theie. The others are always nice, always ready to oblige, and the consequence is you are tete-a-tele just as long as you please, and mamma discreetly has not the least suspicion. Fact ! # * * But to continue. There was abundance of young damsels there, damsels between sixteen and a certain age, whose attention was anywhere but on the music. Of course there were exceptions, but being in such a manifest minority they do nob count. They were all in groups, groups of twos, threes, fours, fives, and even of half-a-dozen, and didn't they just talk ! It was chatter, chatter, gabble, gabble, ha-ha, he-he, the whole time, save when one beautiful solo was being sung, when for a wonder the young ladies gave their whole undivided attention to the singer, for the sole purpose, I honestly believe, of pulling her singing to pieces. Whatever they found to talk about I really cannot say. Each one had something to contribute to the general fund. A bright-eyed minx would bend over her seat towards two or three others, equally mi&chie\ous looking, and I could jusb catch " I say," or " Did you hear," and then together would go the heads and the usual expressions of wonder or delight, or indignation, etc., would be admirably depicted on their faces. Id was as good as a play. They all seemed so good-humoured, too ; no long faces but plenty of merry ones, and they talked, oh so low. How they did it was a mystery to me, and I was momentarily expecting, during the lulls in the choruses, a repetition of the episode of the famous lady who, notallowing for a rest in a grand chorus at a concert, suddenly announced to the audience at the top of her voice, "We fried ours in butter." Luckily, nothing of the kind occurred, though once it nearly came off, oh so neav, but, fortunately for the lady in question, she had reached the climax when just warned in time, she put on the brake, and all the audience heard was a curious smothered squeak. # ' * # It musE do these young ladies good to i attend the practices, I am sure, because they are so fond of going, but ib puzzles me how they find time to listen. Perhaps they have patent doubla self-acting cars tLat bottle up the sweeb harmonies like a phonograph and distil them forth when the ladies are alone. There is one point aboub them, they are keenly alive to the lights and shades of the low comedy referred to above, and however lax in noticing the success of any piece, fail not to perceive a jumble or to mark a break-down. Some of the young ladies I saw there must have done more whispering in those two hours than they did in all the rest of the week. Afterwaids I noticed when I got outsido that comparatively few of the ladies of tho audience went home in couples, that is, couples of ladies. Such an ancient body as "Zamiel" was not worth noticing, so i safe in the shade of the trees I saw ib all. Ib for all the woi'ld reminded me of some once familiar lines that say that "Every man shall take his own," and that "Jack shall have his Jill. " Ib was ever thus, and thus it will ever be. j

A Pathetic Appeal. — Scene : A lonely spot on a dark night. <l Would the gentleman be so kind as to assist a poor man ' Besides this loaded revolver, Ihavenothiug in the wide world to call my own !"

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