HUMOROUS.

Te Aroha News, Volume VI, Issue 328, 26 December 1888, Page 4

HUMOROUS.

The Roll Call— The baker's cry. Irony— the wit of the laundry. A tug is the only thing that has its tows behind. The sign fronting a cobbler's plaoe reads — ' We do good to all souls except our own.' Hope — A sentiment exhibited in the wag of a dog's tail when he's waiting for a bone. Fathers and sons and brothers may suffer for the want of an overcoat), but —uncles, nevei. Did it ever occur to you that, although the bass drum doesn't make good music, it drowns a heap of bad ? It is more difficult to frame an excuse j than an oil painting, though they are both works of the imagination. ; Life consists in the aitornate process of | learning and unlearning ; but il is often wiser to unlearn than leain. A genfcloman in thi.s town has had peiseveranee enough to take fche pledge eighty-three times, and break it eighty-two. A query is : Did Shakspere like Bacon ? A solution of this conundrum would throw no little fresh light on the character of Hamlet. A Vermont editor says that maple sugar is so abundant in that State this season that the gills are twenty per cent, sweeter than usual* A maiden lady says that it single life is bad, it stands to reason that double life is twice as bad ; but ladies rarely understand mathematics. A young lady in an office is so particular about her personal appearance thut she always takes a peep in the mirror beiore answering a call at the telephone. The subject set down for discussion afc the next meeting of our debating society is, ' After a sock gets a hole in it, what beoomes of the material that once filled the aperture ?' ' These are hard times,' sighed a young account collector. l Every place I went to to-day 1 was requested to call again, but one, and that was when I dropped in to bee my girl.' A wi&e reflection by Jonas : ' Doesn't it .strike you as rather odd that, while the papers are daily commenting on the death of celebrated men, they never announce their birth ?' She : ' Come, hubby, take me to the theatre, to-night.' He : ' Can't do it. I've only one ticket, and it's necessary for us to economise now that wo are married. Goodb\e, love.' That settled it. — Collector (on his tenth visit) : ' Look a-here ; how many more times do you want me to call with this little account?' Bill Overdue: 'Why, man, 1 don't care if you never call again.' It rather disgusted a Vermont man who went to a neighbour's barn to steal a cow to find when he got the animal home it was his own cow, which the neighbour had stolen earlier in the night. He says the neighbour is a confounded thief. Thereis a benevolent gentleman in Boston who gives 25 cents for religious purposes every time he swears. He has alt eady sworn a new steeple on the Presbyterian Church, and is now engaged ' cutting up' a donation to the Tfome Missionary Society. Lord North, when Minister, being one day in the gangway of one of the doors of the Drawing room at St. James's, a lady said to him, • My lord, we want room ; I wi&h you would get out.' 'Alas ! madam,' replied he, ' you are not the only person who has that wish, though they do not all tell it to my face.' c Who is your family physician, George ?' ' Dr. Smoothman.' ' How did you come to employ that hare-brained creature V ' Oh, my wife once asked him if he could tell why she always had cold feet, and he told her they were so small they couldn't hold blood enough to keep them warm. She won't hive any other doctor.' A young man from the cnuntiv who had fallen in love with a country girl went to her father — a blunt old farmer — and, with a oolite flourish, paid, ' Rir, J have come to ask you for the hand of } our daughter in marriage.' The old man, looking at him in surprise, responded, ' Uerhand? Only her hand ? Why don't you ask for tli6 gal ?' The newspaper canard that ' twenty widows owned twenty of the best fauns in Greene County, 0., and all were desirous of securing second husbands,' has overrun the highways of that portion of the State with men of all shapes, sizes, and j appearance. Theie is but one widow in the county with a farm, and she keeps two bullj dogs at the gate. A young fellow, whose talent lay in comedy, came to offer himself to a manager, and Inn ing ci\ en a specimen of liis capacity I to Quin, he asked 'if he had ever played i any parts in comedy." Theformer answered, ' Yes ; he had played Abel, in the " Alchymiot. *' 'I am rather of opinion you played Cain,' said Quin, 'for I am certain you murdered Abel.' j A Limit to Bravery. — Office Boy (to editoi) : Der's a two hundred and tifty pound gent outside, sir, wid red spots on his eyes, wot wants to see der editor. Editor : ['in no coward, James ; show him . right in. Office Boy : He says he wants ter j keilect a bill. Editor (aghast) .- Great heavens, James, tell him I've gone to the poorhouse to visit my dear poor old father. Androclus's Lion Outdone. — The proprietor of a menagerie relates that one of his lions once had a thorn taken out of his paw by a French lieutenant in Algeria. The lion afterwards ran over the list of officers belonging to the regiment of his benefactor and out of gratitude devoured all of superior grade to the lieutenant, who thereby found himself promoted to the rank of colonel. When George 11. went to Bee Gairiek act Kichard 111., the only part of the play which interested the King was the Lord Mayor of London, and when Garrick was attending the Royal party from the box, anxious to hear the King's opinion of his own performance, all the compliment he get was a high eulogy upon the Lord Mayor. 'I do love dat Loid Mayor.' said the King; 'capital Lord Mayor, Mr Garrisk. Where you get such capital Lord Mayoi ?'