Alleged Wit.

Te Aroha News, Volume VI, Issue 308, 17 October 1888, Page 3

Alleged Wit.

' Johx,' said his wife (they were in a sleep-ing-car berth), 'for goodness sake, wake up !' ' Wha — what's the matter ?' ' You are snoring so, people will think we're off the track. 3 Wife (with her head out of the second story ■nindo^., to husband at front door) : ' Can't you find the keyhole, Henry "'' Henry (doubtfully): 'No, mVlear. Yon mush've took "tup stairsh wiz you.' Miss McFlurry opened a letter the other day, aud read at the beginning. ' Burn at once.' She did so, and is now raking among the cinders for some trace of the contents or even the writer'e signature. Mr 0 Houlihan --' Fai^, I axed to look at a lamp. D'ye call that a lamp?' Clerk — 'Yes, sir ; that's a fairy lamp.' Mr OH. — ' Oh, ho-ho ! A fairy Jamp, is it ? D'yez tuk roe for a fairy ?' Little lad to chemist : ' Please, sir, gie me a pennorth v' Ep^orn salts.' As the chemist weighs out the medicine the lad pathetically observes : ' Don't give me full weight, sir, as I've to take 'em myself '' Idyl it> of the household. — ' Bridget,' said the mistress to the new hired gill, * you can etc- now and put the mackerel in soak.' ' Sure, ma'am, air ye rejuced to that ?' asked Bridget sympathetically. Deacon (to counti'y minister) — ' I s'pose, parson, that the advance in your salary from 500dols. to 600dols. will be a big help to you ?' Minister — ' Yes indeed the additional lOOdoi?. will enable tme to hire a man to collect the 500dols.' 'Father, 5 said the editor's little boy, 'is the new Emperor of Germany an editor ? I see when he speaksof himself hesays ' we.' ' ' No, my son. That is a word the Em perors have stolen from the editors without proper credit.' Little Mr O'Flynn — 'We have bin married foive years an' more, an' it's dtvil a cross word to me ould woman have I spoken yib ' Big Mrs O'Flynn -'lf yez did it wuuld be ther last word yez would iver speak. ' Energetic mother : ' You should do your best to impress Mr Featherly, Clara ; he is avsjfully rich, and very very good.' Clara: ' 1 know that, mother ; but he is too good, I hate good men.' Mother: * Ye?, but think, my dear. The good die young.' (Clara promises to consider the m.itter.) ' I find, madam,' said a young physician, ' that y -ur husband is suffering fiom overwork.' 'And will he have to give up his place under the Government?' she asked anxiously. ' What's that ? Is he a Government official ?' 'Yes, sir. 1 ' H— m ! I'll diagnose his case again. He probably needs exercise. ' Pulmonary affection?. — Brown: 'Youdon't look well lately, Robinson.' Robin«on : 'No, I can't sleep at night on account of lung trouble ' Brown : ' Nonsense : your lungs are all right ?' Robinson : ' Yes, mine are ; the trouble is with the baby's.' ' You wouldn't think,' he said, indicating a gentleman across the street ' that that ordinary, common- place locking person has many times stared death unflinchingly in the face.' ' Why, no! Is he a desperate character ?' ' Not very ; he's an undertaker. ' ! Cause and Effect. — Grocer — ' See here, you haven't settled your bill yet. Lash month you paid promptly on the last day of the month.' Customer — ' Yes, ami you gave me a cigar. ' Grocer — 'Well?' Customer — ' Why I've been>sick ever since and unable to work.' Taking no chances. — Groom (to bride ; they are waiting for the minister) — ' Hudn't I better skip out to see what is the matter, my dear ? The minister should have been here twenty minutes ago. Bride— 'No, George : you stay right where you are. ' On Sunday Atternoon. —Minister — ' Do my eyes deceive me, or is that a ball game in process over in that field ?' Sexton — 'It's a ball game, sir.' Minister — 'Don't you think I ought to go over and re'ouke them with my presence ?' Sexton — ' They ai*e the best Clubs in the village, Mr Thumper/ Minister —' Come on. We'll rebuke together.'