Newspaper Vagaries.

Te Aroha News, Volume VI, Issue 304, 3 October 1888, Page 6

Newspaper Vagaries.

" Zamiel "~ thus discourses, 911 those; imaginative paragraphists who use ink with a Tom Pepper pen •.—- , , Here is another- of those little items which suggest a great deal more than they state. This time the phenomenal - occurrence has taken place, nearer our own doors — in Queensland, to wit. The newspaper paragraphist thus records it : — "A Brisbane telegram says that a disgraceful scene is reported from Nerang, where a Scottish individual, for a £] wager, drank 10 full nobblers of whisky as fast as the publican could measure them, and immediately afterwards sucked a pint of t beer through a straw. Strange to say, the man suffered no ill effects." Tho queerest thing about this paragraph is that little clause, " strange to say.'' "It passes my comprehension to understand why it should be considered strange for. a Scotchman to drink ton nobblors of whisky and yet survive. Why, ji I know anything about the average " Scottish individual," ho would just bo be ginning to feel "grand" alter the tenth jrlass glided down his gullet 111 effects, indeed ! Why 'should aII toothful "' ot the national beverage hurt a Scotchman V Perhaps what excited the chronicler's wonder was that Sandy survived the imbibing of the Southron's beverage — beer ; but it will be observed that the Scottish individual's caution v led him go be very sparing with ' that drink, and he took it slowly through a straw. Lastly, as to tho " disgraceful *' character of the proceeding, I can picture Sandy's blank amazoment on seeing that epithet applied to the . incident. Ten glasses of whisky for u naething," with only a pint of beer as penanco, and a. pound-note in his "loof !" The man who would call that disgraceful conduct docs not know how to appreciate the bounty of Providence. *** * * * ♦ * * Yet another funny news par., turning this time on the vagaries of the human conscience with regard to the question of Sabbath observance. A Southern paper says :—": — " At Kaiapoi the ranger had to be discharged because he conscientiously refused to impound cattle on the Sabbath day. It was asserted that owners of cattle took advantage of the man's tenet 0 to turn out their animals by the score." The funny thing about this is that we have in operation a law which make<* it illegal for anyone to pursue his ordinary avocation on Sunday, and yet we find a local body dismissing a man solely because he refused to break the law. Has not that ranger a good action for wrongful dismissal ? Times are bard in Canterbury, and New Zealand morality generally is not supposed to be very high ; it is therefore almost incredible that a man should for conscience' sake throw | up a good billet. r- *■ * ♦ •><■ *-■>;■ * * Another American item may also be quoted in illustration of the adage with which I started the consideration of this matter ; but with American news para graphs it is frequently difficult to distin gnish fact from fiction. A funny par. has been going the rounds to this effect : — " A gold watch which a Missouri farmer lost last fall, and for the theft of which he sought to send his hired man to prison, was found in the stomach of one of his cows which died the other day." This suggosts various reflections. The cow, in all probability, mistook the watch for a turnip and passed ie on to its double-barrelled stomach to digest. Old-foshioned watches are frequently called "turnips," and this cow may have heard this particular watch so referred to, or it may have read the touch- j ing ballad of "Brian O'Linn " in which the tale is told how that Milesian patriot made a watch from a turnip. The cow died, doubtless, of the gnawingsof remorse and indigestion, caused x> by the knowledge that her thoughtless act had cast a shade of suspicion over the blameless character of a "hired man." That humble hired individual has a good action for damages against the farmer, or the cow, or somebody. The moral of the edifying story is — "Hang your watch out of reach of tho cow '" That is the lesson for farmers, but for cows the solemn warning is — "Don't study litcratuie until you get so shoi t-sighted that you cannot distinguish between a watch and a turnip." The general reflection is that a watch diet does not agree with the bovine species. "- * -self Yankee yarns are unreliable, no one has ever ventured to breathe a word against the veracity of the London Thunderer — the journalistic Jupiter — yet that respectable authority lately gave currency to a wonderful story. This is the form in which it leach s the colony: — "The Woiverhampton coi respondent of the 'Times' states that during a heavy thunderstorm recently, a collier named Bates, who had lost his !-ight through an accident, was being led' home, when a flash of lightning was reflected on the spectacles he was wearing to conceal the disfigurement. After the peal of thunder which followed, he compiained of a pain in the hoad. The next moment, to his surprise, ho found that he had regained possession of his eyesight." This item bears traces of having* been cone noted for the purpose of capping the story of the sensible Mew York horse and the insane farmer which I have quoted. Or it may have been intended as a puff for "Hans t.ie Boatman," and in order to show that the lestoration of vision performed in the play isnot by any means an impossible feat. "Hans" recovered his sight as the result of a medical operation, but for speedy and effectual treatment, that flash of Wolverhampton lightning beats even the Golden Chariot. Yet I suppose the fools who " boss" mudnane affairs have placed lightning-rods on every asylum for the blind in the world !