MAJOR SPILKER'S TOAST.

Te Aroha News, Volume V, Issue 267, 26 May 1888, Page 3

MAJOR SPILKER'S TOAST.

Major Spilker is a little man, very fat, very genial, and with a head as devoid of hair as a porcelain door-knob. His wife, Mrs Algitha Spilker, is scrawny, sarcastic, and deaf as a saw-log. A person could kick a tin bath-tub down the back steps all night, and Mrs Spilker would snore like a bass horn in blissful ignorance of the noise, which proves that she is rather deaf. There are two things in the world of which Mrs Spilker is very fond — a dinner party and her husband ; she never fails to accept an invitation to one, or to carry the other with her. For the last twenty years tkis couple have been in regular attendance at every dinner party given by their friends ; and on these occasious Major Spilker, when called on tor a toast, would give one to 'The Babies' i,i such a happy style that it never failed to create a good deal of mirth. His wife, although she could not hear a word, knew what her husband's toast was, and when he sat down supplemented it by a few appropiiate remarks, in which she act forth his fondness for babies. f Not long since they attended a dinner given by alrienduptown,and, unfortunately toi Major Spilker and the assembled guests, he changed his toast without warning his wife of the iact, who, of course, thought her husband would confine himself to his regular subject. ' Now, Major Spilker,' said Mrs Barker, the hostess, as the dinner advanced, it is your turn to give a toast, and pray say something complimentary to our sex. ' When my chaiming hostess,' said the Major, rising, ' requests me to do a thing, it is my duty to obey. Therefore I take pleasure in drinking the health of th© ladies — God'd best gift to man. The ladies cherish us in prosperity, soothe us in advcrbity, and, by their tender ministerings, lighten the burden of life. I drink to the ladies.' When the applause subsided Mrs Spilker ignorant of the true subject of the toast, but glowing with pride and admiration said — ' Oh, Mrs Barker, you don't know how fond the Major is of them. I've seen him have two or three on his lap at once, pinching their legs, and ' ' Algitha !' ga&ped the major. ' just teasing the life out of the poor dear things. He is such a favourite with them, and every chance he gets he is sure to have- them in his arms or be romping w ith them. He'b got the lovingliest nature ot any man I ever saw, and somehow they conic to him when they won't to any one else.' Major Spilker fell back in the chair with a groan, and silence fellon the party like a pile-driver, —American }>aj>(.r.

Madame Modjeska smokes. She \va« asked why she did so and replied, " Because 1 like it. The sum of £176 has been collected at Dunedin for the Irish National League. It is likely that Cleveland and Elaine will contest the American Presidency. Victorian imporlersare protesbingagainjsb •i further increase in the tariff on soft goods.