Aliened Wit.

Te Aroha News, Volume V, Issue 238, 21 January 1888, Page 8

Aliened Wit.

An inveterate, gambler — tfye man who "tossed "all night in- beU ' - It takes 25,000 people pacVed <»» in a political meeting to fill an acre; l It takes a dentist an hour. The man who is anxious to get hi? name into the newspapers can easily do so, by nob paying hid taxes, and waiting. " Arrah, thin, it's fast aslape I am, Pa# ; bufc yo can call for ifc in the rooming, the first thing before yo get up.' An Indiana lad walked eighteen miles in his sleep the other day. That boy has the milking' of an ideal policeman. ? George Washington wa3 a tenderhearted man. He would always turn aside rather than st c p on a wasp when he was barefooted. A ,man, on being upbraided for his cowardice, said he had as bold a heart as anyone, but his cowardly legs ran away with it. At least three men on the average juryfeel bound to disagree with the rest to show that they've got minds of their own. ' Blame was once an editor, and yet people will say insinuatingly that they do not understand how he accumulated so much money. An impudent adventurer having married an heiress, a wit remarked that the bridegroom's brass was outshone by the bride's tin. Does hanging prevent murder? It is a matter of history that cases are rare where a man is known to commit murder after having been thoroughly hanged. Wife: "Do you think Jeff Davis aimed at despotic power?" Husband (henpecked) : " I think so, dear. He was found dressed in woman's clothes." Professor (to class in mineralogy) — "Can you recall a mineral recurving in the liquid form?" Philosophical student — "Milk; because it comes in quarts." l An old bachelor says; " It is all nonsense to pretend that love is bind. I never yefc knew a man in love that did not see ten times as much in his sweetheart as I could." Judge : " What eort of a man. now, was it whom you saw commit the assault?" Constable : " Shure, yer honour, he was a small insignificant craythur— about yer own size, yer. honour." Editorial Appeal. — An editor announces the arrival of a twelth responsibility at hishouse, and makes the following appeal thereafter : — *' More subscribers wanted immediately at this office." •'Did you ever go to a military ball?" asked a lisping maid of an old veteran. -"No, my dear," growled the old soldier. "l once had a military ball como tome, and whab do you think?— it took my leg off." :': ' . : , Lord Byron's valet once greatly excited, the-anger of his master by observing whiles Byron was examining the remains ofAthens, "La! my lord, what capital mantelpieces the marble would make in England." As the convalescent patient eaid to the doctor when an extravagant bill l was presented, " What's the use of you saving life • if you' shove a bill at me afterwards so big" hhat 1 worry myself to death over it?" Brown.— •" Why don't you open your umbrella ?" Coles : " Well, to tell you the truth, I'm afraid some one in the crowd will recognise it." Brown : "Then, why do you carry it?" Coles: "Afraid some one will call for it while I am out." • Mrs Joliyboy : " Where on earth have you been ?" Mr J. : "I cannot tell a lie ; I've been at m' offish." Mrs J. : "That's where we differ. I can tell a lie when I hear one." [Cruel silence, during which something is heard to drop,] At an evening party one of the guests preserved a strict silence, no matter whab miohb be the subject of conversation. Theodoro Hook at last advanced to him and said, " If you are a fool you are a wise man ; if you are a wise man you are a fool." Gus do Brown, who has prolonged his call considerably over 10.45 p.m. : "So you don't admire men of Conservative views, like myself, Miss Angel?" Miss A., with, vivacity : " No, indeed ; I prefer people who have some go in them." De B. reaches for his hat. The owner of Loose Hill, a picturesque height in North Derbyshire, has affixed ab the summit a notice board announcing thab "trespassers will be prosecuted." The beauty of the joke is that the trespasser does not see the notice till he arrives ab the top of the hill. Jerrold was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of his friends. This friend heard that he had expressed his disappointment. Friend (to Jerrold) : "I heard you said was the worst book I ever wrote." Jerrold: " No, 1 didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever wrote." . , , «• Well, sir," said the judge to a man who was brought before him on a charge of assault and battery, "you say this man struck you?" "Yes, sir, he did." "Did you retaliate?" <*No, air; I would* fc do such a mean thine as that." "What did you do, then ?" " Well, I just gave him the awfulest lickin' he ever got. "Doctor, kin ye tell me whats the matter wid my child's nose ? She keeps a pickin ov it" "Yes, madam; its probably an irritation of the mucous membrane, communicating a sympathetic titilation to the opthaliura of the ecterat" "There, now, that's just what I told Becky ; bub she wouldn't believe me." !A bookmaker witnesses in the street the Madam X," says the lady, "butlam not a widow " " Would you like to bet on it ? A kirk beadle was remonstrated with for mftett this is my last chance noo: I'll Train. -Opulent builder of Derby, to prosperous colour manufacturer, an ex-Mayor of the same town: "Yes, yCurs isTo business in these hard times for, making money. Jon get your stuff by the ton and sell it by the ounce. The man of painb retorts :" Not quite so good a tradertHough, as buying land by the acre and selling it by the inch. * V I see you advertise goods to be sold for and I'll staff you * When the Robins neeft Sn } tor it ™ At last accounts he was £fT*>d?np I" bed ' and if he continues., ft? Improve he will probably be out in a W Mendelssohn the philosopher '-**** father of the great musical com P°, se £-^ , whin a youth*, clerk to a very rich but exceedingly commonplace, in , .fact, stupitt •mis)raW the oleyei ; lad on hjs I»^g , ' V What a, pity, it ?s that you ate my j frietfd,"/ returned Mendelssohn, "do • hot s*y t&ab. ; "'lfbiww,'*!. tferk, whafco^ %J earfchs*jta l^-with him*' ti f , . ; „ „