HUMOROUS.

Te Aroha News, Volume V, Issue 218, 3 September 1887, Page 3

HUMOROUS.

Motto for barbers.— Cut and conic again. A fisherman's gains are based on his net profits. Ib is a wise old saw that knows who filed it last. "Yes, my child, yes, dun is the future tense of due." Everybody is troubled with too much change — change of weather. «* A Co-operative Mill Association. — A travelling company of prize-fighters. The farmer who raises a glass too oftea isn't likely to raise much else. A health journal says that marble-top tables aro unhealthy. They do look pale. Architects are not as pretentious as actors, but they draw uniformly better houses. It is said that women dress extravagantly to worry other women. A man who dresses extravagantly generally worries his tailor. If you wish to have a shoe made of durable materials, you should use the upper leather of the mouth of a hard drinker, fox that never lets in water. A man advertises for ' ' competent person to undertake the sale of a new medicine," and adds that " it will be found profitable to the undertaker." Marketman : Why did you return thafc pair of fowls yesterday ? Customer : Because I thought you had better sent them to a homo for aged couples. Ordered to clear the court, an Irish crier at Ballinasloo did so by this announcement : "Now, then, all ye blackguards that isn't lawyers must lave the coort." "Yes," sighed old Mrs Gumbo, "thafc accident was horrible. When I read aboub it it exaggerated me so that I couldn't decompose myself for several hours. " A West-ond bank, with a humour fchafc half atones for the tyranny of the act, has ordered that "gentlemen must not wear beards or moustaches during office houi's.'* " That man over there has made seventyfive per cent, of his fortune from watered stock." "He looks like a bloated monopolist. Some railroad magnate, I suppose ?" " No ; he is a milk dealer." Oh, softly the lover did lute on his lute, 'neath the pale, gentle light of the moon. But he swiftly turned and began to scoot; when be noticed tho dangerous large-sized boot of tho pa who came too soon. " Speaking about the artist who painted fruit so naturally that the birds came and pecked at ib," said tho fat report, "I drew a hen that was so true to life thafc after the editor threw it into the wastebasket it lay there." " And them's what folks calls handsome, are they ?" said a Leicestershire farmer, as he watched a couple of hansom cab 3 rolling down the Strand. " Well, I wonder what they'd think if they could see a new wnggon with red wheels ?" £aid Captious, pointing to a sign which read, " Umbrellas repaired and recovered," " There is a palpable lie." " Why, how do you make that out ?" asked Senex. " Well umbrellas may be repaired, perhaps, but they are never recovered." A bookbinder said to his wife at their wedding, " It seems that now we are bound together, two volumes in one with clasps." " Yes," observed one of the guests. '" One side highly ornamental turkey morocco, and the other plain calf. "