More Stories from Hugh Stowell Brown.

Te Aroha News, Volume IV, Issue 130, 26 February 1887, Page 3

More Stories from Hugh Stowell Brown.

The memorial volume of the Rev. Hugh Stowell Brown, issued by Meeera Routledge and Sons, comprises many humorous and satirical jottings^ which constitute Mr Brown's very original though so called I "Commonplace Book." I

More Scotch Stories A Scotch minister from homu was anxious about Borne MS. sermons ho had leffi in the manse, leet they should get damp. He inquired about them, and was fold that tney were as dry as when he had written them. In Perth one night at cupper I wa« vt^ry hungry, and my hoe tees said : " Have you had no dinner today ?" At a Scotch funeral many friends had oeen invited as is«the custom, but a neighbour woman who hud quarrelled with the family was not included. She watched thb funeral pans her door and said, " Well,' there'll be a funeral perhaps at oor roo.-e some day, and we'll see wha'li be asked then !" Common request in Scotland to aay to a minister, "Gie us twa monthfulso' prayer.'

A Bargain. Collins told a story of a Mr T , who paid to Mr E (being very ill at the time, and both very rich) : "Now, thou leave me all thy money when thou diet?, and I'll leave thee all mine when I die." Mr E —declined on the ground that he had very poor relations. " Aye, and so have I!" replied T , with an oath ;" I hates the verra seer, 'o them " E soon after died, and T said, " I thowt he would when I \&st seed him." Hence the challenge.

An Idea. If the Gospel were a forgery, those who got it up would have made their Christ something more than a carpenter. Church Proverbs. G, German. 1». Dutch. I. Irish. A baptized Jew is a circumcised Christian.—G. "Bad company," said the thief, as he walked to the gallows between the hangman and a monk. -D. Every priestling conceale a popeling. — G. Let the devil get into tho church and he will mount tne altar.—l. " Oh, what we muet Buffer for God'a Church !" said tho abbot when the roast fowl burnt his fingers.—G. The monk preached about stealing and had the goose in hie larder. Where there is a pretty spot, the devil plants a monastery or a lord.—G Where there ia miechief, there'e sure to be a priest or a woman in it — G.

The Athanasian Creed. J. L, a great Churchman, although brought up among Baptists and eon of a Baptist minister, said to me, when a certain liturgical reform was proposed, that he hoped it would bo carried, because "we shall not then have to believe that damned Athanasian Creed any more.'

Out of Purgatory. A man went to tho priept to have his friend's soul prayed out of purgatory, and put a shilling on the plate. "la my friend's eoul out ?" he aeked The priest said it wan. "Quite mure?" the man aeked. "Quite sure," replied the priest. " Very well," said the man, "if he is out of purgatory, they won't put him in again —it is a bad billing."

North »ad South Manners. Manners.—North and South contrapred. Onco in Exeter Hall, listening to Spurgeon, 1 had to stand until a Cockney artisan, seeing mo, and noticing that I was rather stout (but not old, for I w-is only thirtysix at the time), he rose, and pointing to his seat, sad, "Sit down, air; you're 'eavy." Going with my wife to see the Great Eastern, I eaid to a Lancashire man, "Could you oblige a lady with a 'peat?" "I can jooat oblige mesen, oud lad, jooss." When you are aeked to cay grace in Lancashire, they will cay, "Now, Mr B , will you start us ?" or " Will you set us agate?" After dinner, "Now lowse us, if you please."

Condolence. Mr F— ~ told me of a man who was very ill. A friend was condoling him, and he paid, "Yes, I feel it very much to leave my poor wife and children," " Never mind us," said the wife, " you ju^t got on with your dying, we'll get on very well."

Love-making From the Pulpit. R. W waa once as nearly as possible in for a broach of promise action, Decauee in giving religious consolation to a lady he quoted the word?, " I will never leave thee nor forsake thee." Ho also was ODce co pnnted and pathetic with "Loveet thou me ?" from the pulpit, that a lady went into the vpsfcry at close of service, and told him she did love him.

A Yankee Reporter. Reporting worthy of a Yankee : - Glnd stone at Hawarden Church. Hymn, " Jerusalem, my happy home," sung. At the line "When shall my labours have an end?" the Psemier was observed to join with marked emphasis. What a beast that reporter is!

Conscience. Good old story told by Mr Crook. Hobson, a very rascally lawyer, waa posting up a witness as to what, he was to ewear on a certain caee. " -Aye, Mr Hobeon," said witness, " I conna swear that; it's against my conscience !" "And dost thou think," said Hobson, " that I am going to lose my case because of thy .damned con-ecienco?"

An Exceptional Patient. (Solicitor-General for Ireland) aeked a medical witness, " Mow, doctor, don't jou think euch a dose would poison tho devil'" " I am not in tha habit of prescribing for him," said the doctor. " And is that," asked , "the reason why he is co well ana strong ?'

"A Pious Man." A now way of sounding a trumpet; before on© when doing or going to do some religiou3 work, A post-card delivered with this written thereon :— My D*ur Sir,— Will you osk all your praying peoule to x>ray for me, a* I no to Ireland to bod Mippion cervices? J^ay thai. I mar preach vitJi nuclion, with trie Holy Qhost sent davm I romJlcnvtn. Pray thar. a yrcab wave of ftalva tion may roll over Ireland, ana chat all ihrnunh Th<» ultic-a 10 be visited may be heard, ' TFhat must idoio be saved?' O, Leonard, V.M.C.A., Manchester. " What a, pious man !" quoth the postman. Game to the Last. In a North of England graveyard may be seen a tombstone erected to tho memory of one of the ministers of the parish. This reverend gentleman ia said by old parish ionei-d to have been very tioublesome and unpopular ; his character, indeed, waa very fishy ; and effort after effort )to put him out waa made, but failed. The parson triumphed over all his foes ; a fact recorded I on his tombstone -"He died holding the living." Other Anecdotes. Mrs B. and I ocoasioually correspond. We always huubug each other, and each perfectly well knows that" whatever the other cays is humbug. It is silently understood. 1 suppose there is much correspondence and intimacy of this kind,

Bromham told me a good story of George Daweon. G. D. lectured somewhere in Norfolk, in the parish schoolroom. The squire, hearing of it, was in a rage, swore he should never lecture there again, and said, "Why, the damned scoundrel is an Atheist and a Baotist !" , ( A young fellow called to know wl^ere he couM fi.id a certificate of his great-grand-father's deu'h, *vhich took place in 1826. It is fomd question of property, «nd the lawyers want to be battened that the old man is dead. A guard on the Furneps "Railway told my son-in-law yesterday there wan no minister of religio • in the country he re-pected and esteemed po highly as he did H. 8. Brown. " V\hy, sir," (-aid he, "Mr Brown is the only parson I ever met with on this line who ever asked me what I would take to drink." A gentleman on the Thames was rather frightened, and asked the boatman whether many people wtre loat at or near that part of the river. "No," said the boatman, " not many, and they are always found !"