Phrenology Afloat.

Te Aroha News, Volume IV, Issue 171, 25 September 1886, Page 7

Phrenology Afloat.

I OAN'T*js*^"now recall hie name, but he was regiBtere4:,at; t:1 ?©r h ptel,ati< ?lk Rapids $s from . the-,^hiofgo : Inter !; Oceao.^ „There wasn't anything singular in.t.w.Oi newspaper tn©p m*king.,up^fco each -. other—^ot whpn they were both away from home. I liked his loqks from the -start,' and, when he realised it he brought out £ anchart of his head wbjlch Professor Fowler had given him. According to the chart his leading traits were :— > 1. Extreme liberality. 2. Utter absence of selfishness. 3. Strong friendship. I was glad that the chart confirmed my own private impressions, and our friendship was cemented with the blood of the Kevolution, for which the landlord charged ten cents a glass. On the fourth day we went out together in a skiff on the bay to fish. He insisted on paying for the bait, and in rowing the boat, and that agreed exactly with trait No. 1. We were a half mile off shore, and still going ahead, when the skiff banged against some unseen object, the bottom was stove in, and the next moment she filled to the gunwales. The oars floated away as we floated out, and we settled down to business with 'the wreck floating full of water and he hanging to one end and I ts the other. It was only then that' a suspicion crept into my mind that Fowler hadn't felt that chap's bumps in dead earnest. "You did it— you infernal idiot— you did it !" he yelled at me, as he got Little Traverse Bay out of his mouth. As Fowler hadn't included Truth in his leading traite, I felt free to deny the allegation 1 , but he repeated it in a vigorous manner, and added — "I've got a revolver, and if you don't let go of this boat I'll Bhoot you !" " For why ?" cays I. " Because it won't float both of us, and I'm going to save myself at any cost !" That was his "utter absence of selfishness," as recorded on the chart, and I was surprised and grieved to think Fowler had been so taken in. I asked for a little grece, and he replied— i "Give you just two minutes to say your prayers." I wanted twenty, and he wouldn't even compromise on six. That was more of his " extreme liberality." When I saw that he was inclined to hurry the funeral I bounced the boat around and prevented him from getting at his weapon, which had stuck fast in his wet pocket. Pretty soon he tried another lay. Said he — , "I am a married man, and have four children. All you've got is a wife, and she's half dead at that. Have some reason about you." I offered to argue the case, each side being limited to five minutes, and he charged me with cold-blooded selfishness, If the circumstances were only reversed he'd die for me in a minute, but as we couldn't reverse 'em he had another proposition. If I'd let go and die quietly and decently he'd raise at least 100 dols. for my widow if he was saved, and would give me a column notice in the Inter Ocean, describing the details of my heroic acr, and winding up with the paragraph— " We are certain that the public will not let his grave remain unhonoured by a fitting tablet." I wanted to know what sort of a tablet, the cost, &c. I had seen so many cheap tablets that T felt holding out for a Scotchgranite monument with an angel ou the apex. He got so mad at the delay that I had to bounce the boat to keep the pistol in his pocket. When he had calmed down he appealed to my generosity and manly honour. He had just had his salary raised. His father-in-law had just come to appreciate him for what he waa. He was the president of a . Chicago literary society, and a leading member of a debating club. His future was full of the biggest kind of watermelons, and the whole world would miss him. I hadn't any salary worth mentioning — no father-in-law at all --no hope beyond fourth-floor rates. Wasn't it better to die a hero than to live on him like a thistle by the road- Bide ? I asked him to put his language in the form of a motion, which he did, and a vote was taken it was'a stand-off. His side only got one vote, and that was half-full of water. I never saw a chap so full of motions and resolutions as he was for three quarters of , an hour, and I never attended a caucus, where th« opposition, was bo determined to vote them all down. He had apparently exhausted his stock, and was hunting for something new, when he lost his hold on the wreck, and went down — down —down —about four feet, where he rested solidly on & sand bar. The water for fifty feet around was from two to four feet deep, and it was the end of a sunken spar which had wracked us. He came over to me and held out , hie hand, but I waded away from him in a dignified manner. He said he was only in fun, and he offered me three fish hooke, a jack-knife, & ball of string and a big hunk ofPetoskey maple sugar to resume friendly and confidential relations. In vain. A fisherman came out and took us off the oar, and we never spoke again. A man whose bumps deceive a phrenologist is no fellow to tie to. — M. Quad, in Detroit: Press.