CHAPTER I.

Te Aroha News, Volume III, Issue 135, 2 January 1886, Page 3

CHAPTER I.

Augustus Spkigqins was a draper's assistant of diminutive stature, snug appearance, amorous disposition and uncertain age. On this latter point he displayed all the Btudied reticence attributed to mature virgins who draw heavily upon the resources of art ior the purpose of hiding the ravages of remorseless time. To his friends, he was always somewhere in the immediate vicinity of 25, but spiteful people remarked that fully ten years had elapsed since he first hesitatingly owned to having negotiated the quarter of a century. These ten years covered his sojourn in the colonies, and, so far as he was concerned they had brought very few changes in their train. They had neither added vigour nor imparted a deepening colour to the scraggy hirsute growth of red which bordered the little man's cheeks and tinted his upper lip. They bad not interfered with the cut and general style of his attire, and they had not seen any variation in the jnodest salary of £2 ' per week that he received from Messrs Balderdash and Co. His habits and characteristics, too, had re mained unaltered. As I have already remarked, he was undersized- and sanguine-hued, or, to put it vulgarly, red-haired. His most prominent facial feature was a long and aspiring nose of irregular outline, which, along with his name, he loved to quote as indisputable proofs of noble lineage His head was large and thinly covered with light, tawnycoloured hair, parted in the centre and Artistically titivated up at the sides. He had a dapp3r little figure, always arrayed in the neatest of slops, and, though his legs were so thin as to suggest to idle vagabond boys a comparison with pipeshanks, yet his feet were small and wellformed. Of this f acb he was fully conscious, and consequently spared nothing to secure for his pedal extremities the best adornment that the shoemaker's art could devise. Augustus boarded at Parnell in the house of an aged couple named Bipstone f> who, having won a modest competence in the grocery line during Auckland's experience of the advantages and drawbacks of garrison life, had, at the departure of the troops, withdrawn from business. They soon, however, got tired of having nothing to do but eat, drink, and sleep, and so, after much cogitation, they advertised for two boarders, who should be quiet., respectable young men of the Methodist persuasion, and who would consent to take their meals along with the heads of the household, in addition to waiving any claim to latch keys Augustus and a chemist assistant of woe-begone aspect, named Simon Batter, answered the advertisement, and, having subscribed to the conditions and satisfied the pious scruples of the old people, were duly constituted members of the family. Simon was tall and rather ungainly in figure, phlegmatic to the furthest verge i of taciturnity in manner, while bis chief endowment was an exceedingly lively ap-< petite, for the gratification of which he could be persuaded to do almost anything.' Augustus had discovered this weakness,* and" turned it to account. Although an ardent admirer of the fair sex himself, yet, in the presence of ladies, he was invariably overwhelmed with such excessive baahfulnes3 that he could hardly summon up courage to speak, and certainly had none for extending the circle of hi 3 acquaintances. He could only sigh and look unutterable things. And yet he frequented all the places wherein females most do like to congregate. Every tea-meeting that was held within a radius of ten miles secured hi 3 patronage, no church bazaar that was within reach went un visited by him, and he wa9 an unfailing attendant at evangelistic meetings, Good Templar and Sunday-school concerts, and Congregational picnics. Until the advent of ths gastronomical Simon he had always gone sohis to these affairs, and at their close had invariably crept home disgusted and disappointed in his solitariness. But once he found out the weak side of hia fellow-boarder, he c .ntrived to benefit by it. He made Simon the close participant in all his nocturnal pleasures, Augustus bearing the expenses and Simon obediently doing all that was desired of him. Soirees were their especial delight. Well supplied with conversation lozenges, thay would sally out to them long before the hour for commencing, get established in a good position, and give themselves up to unrestrained enjoyment, Simon finding his at the table and Augustus obtaining his afteri wards. The former was the bete noire of the matronly dames who dispense weak tea and soddened pastry on these occisions.^ He had a liver impervious to all the insidious craft of the pastrycook, and an appetite that, sharpened to activity by a day's abstinence, was usually equal to the consumption of five or six cupsful of tea and a large and varied assortment of tarts, cake, and sandwiches. In fact, Simon seemed to esteem it an incumbent duty to sample every pla l e upon the table, and he discharged it, too, with mo3t exemplary thoroughness, quite unabashed by the significant look 3 of bis neighbours, but very much stimulated by their sarcastic presentation of further supplies. He was ever so completely impressed by the seriou3 necessity of making tbo utmost use of the time allowed for the discussion of the meal as to be oblivious to fche levity that might be going on around him. After tea, Augustus and he would hang about the doors until the tables had been ", removed and the seats re-arranged, when they would ensconce themselves in some I corner that offered immunity from general > observation, and which, at the samo time, was likely to be in close proximity to tb,e youog damsels of the flock. Then, - Augustus assumed the direction ot affairs, and Simon prepared to obey and faithfully execute all his behests. As soon as the first prosy speaker had launched out upon the boundless ocean of verbose co mnonplaces, Augustus, having made a careful ". selection of lozenges of tender sentiment, -would intrust thorn to Simon with direc ~ tiohs aa to their intended destination, and the latter, with unerring aim and placid countenance, would discharge them at the ' heads and necks or over the shoulders of the . mfcidenain front. Thispreliminary cannonade was always one of an experimental character, designed ior ascertaining who were likely to respond to such delicate attentions and who might be expected to disdain and repulse them. The former 1 class were accustomed to manifest their satisfaction by much tittering and frequent ' «ide-long glances, while 1 the latter would .either ait immoveable or else turn right ronnd and shoot a withering- glance jof scora and rebuke upon the innocentlooking and awfully attentive .Simon.

.This experiment finished,^Augustus would piy his. assistant * with lozenges, some bearing, printed communications and, others pencilled onea,^and, Simon, with" a zeal worthy a better cause, would conscientiously projeot them in the required directions. f Startled by the "clatter of the falling missiles, the Chairman would, at short iptfervalsTgeb up "to" administer severe reproof to the disturbers of the peace, but Simon andAugustus were always prepared for such " emergencies and were > rarely 6a.\xghtinflagrantydelidto Augusttjsjconfined himself on such to furnishing, the love-messages, meeting with a. reciprocal smile the backward looks of the girls in front,' and xeceiving. their .replies, ,, v while Simon most energetically kept up the, bombardment, warding .off suspicion after each discharge by gazing upon the speaker in absorbed attention. * Then, at the close of the meeting, Simon would, in pursuance of instructions, humbly solicit for himself and friend the pleasure of seeing some of the young ladies home, and this having been conceded, Augustus would emerge from his obscurity and play the rdle of the bashful gallant. By these means, Mr Briggins gradually I got rid of his timidity, and, at the time at which our story opens, he was actually con- | the serious step of inviting a lady to accompany him to a picnic. It wasthe22ndjof December, and Augustus, having partaken of toa, was seated meditatively upon the verandah with the evening paper upon hisknee. He had been scanning the advertisement columns, wherein the attractions of various Boxing Day excursions were set forth in all the glory of capital letters and note 9 of admiration, and he was' now engaged in considering which he should patronise. He felt that the decision was one requiring great reflection, and fraught with much importance. It was the first time that he had ever mustered up hardihood sufficient to invite a lady to accompany him on a pleasure trip, for Simon could always be depended upon to-makesuch arrangements in person, but, at this particular juucture, the invaluable Batter had been sent to the country by his master on business matters, and Mr Spriggins felt that, if he would not have a spoilt holiday, he would be obliged to act for himself. After long and earnest deliberation he resolved to throw in hi 3 lot with a Sundayschool excursion party whose destination was the Tamaki, and, having also determined to forward his invite to a young and blushing damsel whose acquaintance he had made at a Presbyterian tea meeting, he retired to write it out. The young lady lived with a maiden aunt who had been under the benign influence of a devout and unctuous evangelist. Mr Spriggina felt it to be necessary, therefore, that he should frame his epistle with due care and solemnity. He entered upon the task at eight o'clock with a light heart, and, after spoiling two or three dozen envelopes and a quire of superfine scented note paper, rose from it at eleven with the pleasing knowledge that he had wre3tied with it successfully. It was duly posted, and late on tho following day, Mr Spriggins was gratified with the receipt of a dainty little note from Miss Jessie McLowry thanking him for his kind invitation and informing him that she would only be too happy to accept it were she not reluctant to leave her poor dear aunt alone fox the whole day. Would it cause Mr Spriggins any inconvenience if she brought her aunt with her ? Of course Augustus hastened to reply that he would be delighted to have the company of Miss McLowry and her amiable aunt, and so the affair was settled, Mrs Ripstone graciously undertaking ' to prepare the materials for the picnic.