WIT AND HUMOUR.

Te Aroha News, Volume III, Issue 119, 12 September 1885, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR.

A melting sermon was preaohed in a conn tdy church, ancl all the congregation begin to weep except a countrywoman. On being asked why she djd not cry; with the rest, " because," said she, "I : am not of thia parish, ' : '. ' . * Induotive Officer— "How isthis, Murphy^ The sergeant complains > that you called him names." Private Murphy— 4< Plazey surr, I niver called him onny names at all. All I said was, ' Sergeant,' says I, 'some of us' ought to be in a menagerie.' "- . ■ Scene— Table d'hote at fashionable hotel on'Deeeido, big market day. Farmer of tho old school has dined. Waiter—" Finished, sir?" Farmer— "Fat's the charge V* Waiter—" Five shillings, please."- Farmer (startled)—" Five shillin's t^ Weel, I'm nae deenyet." Resumes operations. , Fair Modiste— 11 Veil, Mistake Young- ; husband, vere is de bon-nette zat your vife vished me to alter ?" Younghusband (excitedly) —"Great heavens,inadame, I cannot tell a lie. I had that confounded bonnet in my vest pocket— right in here where I carry postage-stamps. And— and at lunch to-day the thing fell into my Boup. I believe I've swallowed it? Do you hear? Swallowed it ? Get up a fac-simile, can't you t there's a dear girl, and tell me if I shall live to get home?" An old country gentleman, returning home rather late, discovered a yokel^with ft lantern under hw kitchen- window, wko* when asked his business there, stated that he had only come a-courting. " Come awhat?" said the irate gentleman. "AcourtSng. I'm courting." "It's a He What do you Want a lantern for? I never ' used one when I was a young man." " No, air," was the yokel's reply; "I didn't think yer 'ad, judging by the missis." Zions Church (coloured) of Bath, N. V., lately engaged a new shepherd, who informed the committee thathe had "preached all de way from Samfrancisco to Buffalo." After his initial sermon, wishing to show his liberality and set a good example to the brethren, he, with many a flourish, dropped a dime into Elder Rackbush'i hat as he started on his " gedderin " trip around the church. Returning to the pulpit, the elder handed the hat to the preacher, who, peering in anxiously, found that not only had no one contributed, but his own dime was gone. Lifting up the empty hat by the crown, and snaking it before the congrega. tion, he exclaimed : •• Oh, wicked and preserbed generation'; I wish I'd a-staid in Samfrancisco." ' A convict, however poor, can always have a watch and chain, There never has yet lived a tailor who I could make trousers that would not " bag " at the knee. Prof. Stokes, a New England scientist, argues that it would be impossible for human beings to live on the surface of the sun. Stokes is probably correct, but if there were any desirable diplomatic positions vacant up there this country is full of men who would be willing to try iti — " Philadelphia Press. " "Malinda, I'm astonished at you—standing at the telephone with your hair in papers and your collar crooked," " Why mother, I don't see why that should matter." " Oh, of course you don't J You never did care how you look. How do you know who is at the other end of the telephone ?' When Miss Leffingwell-Slote, who has just graduated, was told that there was a probability of a short hay crop this year she remarked that she supposed itwouldn't be bo bad if the grass crop turned out well. She presumed that horses could eat grass in the winter as well as in the summer if they were put to it.