How He Made His Fortune.

Te Aroha News, Volume II, Issue 89, 14 February 1885, Page 5

How He Made His Fortune.

I walked along that narrow country road with a heavy heart. I was out of employment, my pockets were empty, and I had no prospect of getting a meal nor yet finding sholter for the night. Then the gall in my heart mounted. I ground my teeth, my oyes sparkled with rage, 1 clenched my fiats in my empty pockets, I cast myself into the hedge, and glowered before me into the glaring dusty road. At that moment my eyes rested on something glittering before me on the road. It; flashed in the sun like glass. I paid no attention to it at first, but its sight attracted my curiosity, and presently I stopped to see what it was. I picked up a little glass vessel, with a nozzle at one end of the tube, and an indiarubber receiver at the other. It was an antistylograph pen. Then, hardly knowing what I did, I filled my left palm with dustout of the road, and amused myself with charging the little ink-syringe with it, and driving it forth again in a cloud, by compressing the indiarubber vessol at the end. I thougK of nothing all the time, and observed nothing but this toy, till 1 was roused by a voice addressing me, ard then I looked up. Opposite me stood a farmer, as I conjectured by his dress and goneral appearance. He was watching my proceedings with great curiosity. "Well, master," says he, "I reckon you've a queer sort of a hinstruuient there. What he that, now ? You bo a doctor, I suppose ?" " What else could I be?" lasked ironically. " And what bo that queer sort of a thing in your hand ?" " A surgical instrument, of course." " And what bo that thero powder in the t'other hand ?" " That! Oh, that is the best possible of medicines, tho very elixir of Jifo, a compound of the rarest and most valuable of all condiments. It's fccicntific name is Ton-d'apamei-bomenos-prosephe podas-okus — Achilles." The farmer was immensely impressed with the woids— a lino of the " Iliad " which avose uncalled for to my lip?. "And now," ho said, " might I make so bold a.3 to ask wh;,t that medicine is good for ?" u Every malady man is heir to. We all come to it at last, and tho sooner the better," "I'm bad in ray liver," said he. "Now, if I may take the liberty to ask, doesit touch thelivov?" "Touch tho liver!" laughed I. "It touches it moro strongly than calomel." The farmer was greatly impressed, " Ifang it !" paid he, " I wish you would throw your dust into my eyes. I don't mind paying you for it. What is your charge ?" " Fivo-and-six for such as you," I said. " Tho quality— a guinea." He drew forth his purse at once and handed me the money. " There now," said he, " blow oway." I sent a pull of dust into his eyes. He applied his handkerchief to them, and then said, shaking himself, " Hang it ! I believe you are right. I feel easier in my liver already. Thero is my old woman, .■she's bad with lumbago. Now, do'ee think you could do her any improvement ?" "Try me," said I. " Well, I will," he said. " Come along. It's not far off to our placo, and if I might make so bold as to ask you to tako a bite of dinner with us, I'd take it kindly. Here's another fivo and-six, paid aforehancl for the old lady, and if she is better, in a day or two we'll havo you to throw dust in our eyes again." Ton minutes aftor I bad half-a-guinea in my pocket. After I had puffed dust into the eyes of the fanner's wife, and promised to call again, I hastened to the office of the principal local newspaper and inserted an advertisement — "Dr. Robert Flopjohn, M.C.S Salamanca, D.P.L., Mantua, Professor of Experimental Chemistry, Leydon, is visiting this town for a few days only. He is in possession of a panacea for all maladies, having arrived by a concatenation of evidence at a conclusion v Inch has escaped all empirics. Dr. RF. has practised for a number of years in the principal towns of tho Continent, and tried his specific on a number of complicated cases, and has never known it to fail. In offering this new yot world-old remedy to tho public, it is not liko bringing out an untried article. For over twenty-five 5 ears it has been put to tho soverest test of experience. Fully understanding its ingredients, Dr. R.F. is prepared to say that not only will no injurious results follow, but that absolute success must ensue. He has never known it fail to cither relieve or cure the discaso for which it was taken. He has letters from all parts of Great Britain and Ireland, Germany, Franco, Belgium, Holland, Spain, Portugal, Italy, Russia, Turkey, and Greece, from tho?e that have been cured of different complaints, which he will bo proud to show to anyone who desi'es to see them. Consultation from 10 a.m. to 5 pan , and again from 6 p.m. to 9 p.m." It was really amazing to see how my door was besieged with persons desirous of having dust thrown in their eyes after this advertisement had circulated. Money poured in. I was engaged in blovring dusl into the eyes of my patients all day and until late at night. 10 p.m. was too late to receive, 9 p.m. too late to knock off work. Patients of all claf-ses came to me. Some paid guineas, some half-guineas, most five and sixpence. It was now easy as to my future : it was secured. As time passed and I found that I had more patients than I could attend to, I extended my hours of consultation, and had new and more commodious premises built. The vents from the upstair offices amounted to a considerable figure. Of course I could not attend to all who sought an interview. I therefore did up little parcels of dust in blue, red, and gold paper. I had them sta mped as quack medicines, and sold them at 2s l£d per packet. The injector I sold separately at ss. But even this did nob satisfy me. I announced that 1 would givo a packet to everyone who would apply to mo gratis. I put this advertisement in something like three hundred newspapers, and the result was that applications poured in on me from every quarter. I am afraid to say how many thousand packets of common road dust I thus distributed free of charge. With oach packet I enclosed a printed form to the effect that though the powder was given gratis, yet tho necessary apparatus ior its injection into the eyes could not be given away without a small charge of five shillings to cover the outlay of its manufacture. These little squirts of glass and indiarubber cost me threehalfpence each frooa the manufacturer. I knew that I sold 3,600 of them, which alone brought in £900, less their cost, which was £22 10s, so that the net profit I made was £877 10s. After that I had numerous orders for packets of eye-dust. On the average I sold five to each syringe, and that, at 2s l^d each, amounted to £1,912 10s. By visits and personal attendance on cases I made as much as £25 per week, or £1,300 per annum. That made per $nnum—

I have not deducted the coat of advertising and painting, nor of the red, blue and gold paper in which I wrapped up the dust, nov of the sealing-wax impressed with my seal (without which none was genuine). Roughly calculated, throwing dust in folk's eves brought me in an annual income of £3,500. But tho most extroardinary feature of the case was that I received testimonials as to the efficacy of my remedy from all quarters, without any solicitation—indeed, every post brought me in recognition of the wonderful results that had followed on the throwing of dust into people's eyes. You might supposo that those who had once tvicd my remedy and found ib to fail would have given it up in disgust. !No such thing. They went on with it with unshaken credulity till laid hold of by some other quack.

Sale of squirts Sale of dust Professional attendance .., £ s. 877 10 1,912 1Q 1,300 0 d. 0 0 0 £4,090 0 0