Mr and Mrs Spoopendyke at Niagara.

Te Aroha News, Volume II, Issue 89, 14 February 1885, Page 5

Mr and Mrs Spoopendyke at Niagara.

The doings of Mr and Mrs Spoopendyko at Niagara are told as follows :— " Oh 1" squeaked Mrs Spoopendyke, hysterically, aB she gazed on the Falls with one eye, and furtively threw the other around on other women to see if they were better dressed than she was, " isn't this wonderful ? Say, my dear, shouldn't you think that little island would be afraid over there alone by itself ?" " It's safer there than it would be ; ashore," muttered Mr Spoopendyke, drop- 1 ping a highly-wrought boad bag in his effort to jam a pair of mocassins that wern't mates into his pocket. "If that island is in any way hard up and smart, it'll stay where it is and hold on to what it[s got. I say, what are you going to do with these shoes if ever you get 'ena home ?" he continued, as the larger one hitched up and dropped to the ground. "Don't lose it!" exclaimed Mrs Spoopendyko anxiously, "I'm going to haug them up in the parlour." "If the man who sold them was any way reasonable in his charges, I'd like to hire him to get into 'era about the time the hanging comes off!" growled Mr Spoopendyke. " Look here ! Have you any fixed' idea of the distance you expect me to lug this shinny old stick ? Got any accurate notion of the labour involved in haulinc this thing around?" "That's an Indian war club," protested Mrs Spoopendyke. "I want that, and you mustn't lose it for anything." " From my experience around here I don't s'pose I could lose it for nothing," grunted Mr Spoopendyko. " But what I want to know," he continued, settling one end of the club to his hip pocket, and trying to conceal the other under his coat, " is when the measly thing is calculated to bo on a peaceful footing. Here ! In what portion of my habiinments am I expected to secrete this cemetery ? Where does this rapidly-grow-ing-in-popularity graveyard go ?" ' * Oh, my ! It's a work-basket," chirrupod Mrs Spoopendyke. " You must carry that in your hand, or you'll break it. Say, dear," and she took his arm and crept more closely to him, " Don't you enjoy it ? Isn't that awful fall of terrible water just too lovely ? What makes it fall down like that ?" "I don't know," retorted Mr Spoopendyke, eyeing the scene with a scowl, and dropping an armful of stereoscopic vitws. I suppose it falls like that because it can't run up. II you could got into the confidence of the thing I presume it would refer you to the theory ot gravitation, and that it would turn you over to the doctrine of pressure. By that time we wouldn't have money to get home m ith. Say, do you really think you're going to need this gunboat for anything to which you can give a definite description ?" " Oh, my little canoe," cried Mrs Spoopendyke, " I'm going to hang that on the chandelier with pretty ribbons. " "That will provide a great deal of entertainment," snorted Mr Spoopendyke, hunching the canoe into his armpit so as to get a better grip on the keel. " But my judgment is that this selfacting chunk of aboriginal transportation is going to need Bessemer steel chains to hold it. I can understand how a savage could sail in the thing, but what I want to know now is the combination by which he stopped it when he got ready to . Hold on ! Catch hold of that junk if you calculate to save it, Shove it under my arm, will ye ? No, tie up the other end so that I can get a purchase. I don't know, though," muttered Mr Spoopendyke gutturally ; " a man can't want much help to find a purchase around hero, "and ho glared about him, and then stooped over to pick up a tomahawk and a pipe. "We've got lots of nice things to remind us of Niagara, haven't we, dear?" smiled Mrs Spoopendyko, encouragingly. " But I want to get a few little trinkets for the ladies in the church. Only little ones, you know." "Yea, I know," grinned Mr Spoopendyko. " They will have to be little, for I have only got my ears left to stow them in. Go and buy them. Don't hesitate on my account. These womon expect it, and they're going to have it. All I want now is a war trail and a consignment of belated Government rations to look like a ndeasly reservation ! Bring on the consignment. Disinfect the goods and file the invoices on tho back of my neck. If you meet a man with a lumber yard on his shoulder and a hammer in his fist, get him to build a wing and a loft, and then go ahead with your Niagara Falls. Whoop ! There goes more prehistoric civilisation. Can't you reach down and hand me those spears and that left-handed scythe with a wart on its spine ? Now just run 'em through my suspenders behind, and ! tie that war bonnet around my neck." "What's that in your mouth, dear? inquired | Mrs Spoopendyke, solicitously. A flint arrow-head," growled Mr fcpoopendyke vindictively; "and it'll take a dentist to get itout. Then he'll go blowing about that he's found an Aztec battlefield, and they'll fence my jaw in and charge admission. Let it alone, will you ? I paid three dollars for it, and I am going to chaw on it while it lasts. Seen enough of this ? Want to stand around here any longer watching that thing squirt?" " It's so lovely !"' murmured Mrs Spoopendyke, turning again to the Falls, " Oh, my dear, think of a man going over these Falls," and Mrs Spoopendyke shuddered. "He wouldn't be any more of an ass than a man who pays a dollar to go under 'em," argued Mr Spoopendyko, who still retained a lively recollection of his experience on the American side. "If I over come here again, and if God gives me my health I won't, I think I will try to go over the Falls, provided there is a chance of dropping on the Esquimaux who poured me into a bathing suit, with a hole under each arm and a slit up the back. Say, my dear, suppose we give this fatigue uniform with bad smell to some worthy charity !" •'That's my squaw's dress," faltered Mrs Spoopendyke, "and I would not take anything for it." "I wish the man I bought it on had felt that wuy," groaned Mr Spoopendyke. " Just pull it through the back strap of my trousers, will you, and tie those knock-kneed garters around my waist. Look out for the battle-axe ! I want that myself to open oysters with. Where's the shoe that belonged to the game-legged warrior ? Here's one, where's the other ?" Mrs Spoopendyke found it in his hat, and then announced her readiness to take in the rest of the show. "There's a man down there that's got a whirlpool," exclaimed Mr Spoopendyke, experiencing some difficulty in getting underweigh with his trophies. " I don't know whether he is in the habit of exhibiting it to band waggons, but if he is, and don't insist on having me buy it, we'll take a look at it. Come along." "Is that the suspension bridge ?" asked Mrs Spoopendyke, as they drove past it. "Yes, wasn't it?" demanded her husband. "Though I don't know why they s.hould call it ' suspension,' when everything else around here appears to be in active financial operation."

The remains of an African traveller had been exhumed for interment in the family vault. When the coffin was opened, a naturalist who was present started back in affright. "Why, these appear to be the remains of a lion," "Yes," replied the son of deceased with a sigh j "that's the lion that ate him up; father's Inside of him I"