A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Te Aroha News, Volume II, Issue 85, 17 January 1885, Page 4

A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[By Marcus Clarke.]

Deokmjjeii 21th. — Determined to have a Merry Christmas, I left the oflico an hour earlier than usual. Called in at the Shilling Store in order to buy some presents for the boys. Economy combined with liberality. Spent five shillings, and, getting into the street, found that I had had j my pocket picked of four one-pound notes and a new morocco purse. (ireat doings at hmoe. A children's party (I hate children's parties), and little Bobby has just cut his thumb half oft' with a box of t jols Uncle John has I nought him for a IChiistmas present. N.B. — Eliza in tears, and iho baby in convulsions. Went for the doctor, and %\ hen 1 got back found Harry, my eldest boy, busily engaged in forcing two silver fork handles down baby's throat ; that method of treatment being, ho assured me, recommended by "Hints on Emergencies," a little work ! "presented to him on Christmas Eve by his (affectionate godfather, Jno. Sawbones.'" Hang Sawbones ! I wish he'd give the lads something else besides medical works and odd bits of anatomical preparations. Removed tlio forks, boxed Harry's ears, and sent Bobby to bed. Howls. Doctor arrived. Perfect quiot, mustard poultice, and hot water bottles. Baby yelling liko ten demons. Dinner in solitary state, on cold mutton and a re cooked chop. All tho cook's energies must be devoted to tho Christmas pudding. After dinner, the party arrives by threes and fours. I stand on the doorstep and grin at the nurses, with "please picsent Mr Jollyboy's compliments to mamma, and Mrs Jolly boy has been taken suddenly unwell," etc. More howls. My disconsolate family stand on the stairs and roar — the party roars— the baby upstairs yells. Evory body wishes me a Merry Christ mas. By-and-by bahy gets better, and Mrs Jolly boy descends. '' A Metry Christmas to morrow, dearest, and — by the way —George Craib— " ! ! ! "How much?" "Oh, a mere trifle." ' ( Indeed ! Ah —yes— seventy-five, thirteen, four." I smoke five pipes, and go moodily to bed. Sarah has taken down the mosquito curtains, because it is Christmas time, and hasn't put up the others yet." December 25th, 7 a.m — Have I caught him at last ? No ; only blackened my own eye. Rush to the looking-glass. Face like a specklod hen. Mrs J. says, "A Merry Christmas." 8 a.m.— Hot wind ; no water in the cistern, and can't bathe. Never mind. I'll have a sponge bath. " Oh, please sir, Master Tommy knocked a hole in it with the poker." Oh, it's of no consequence. 9 a.m. — Dressing. Cut myself five times shaving. Is it temper ? No — the razor. Jane says that "Master Harry, sir, has I been using it to cut up firewood for his ! Christmas treo." Ah, just so. Fine-spirited I boy ; mustn't be checked. 10 a.m. — Breakfast. Baby better, and Bobby worse. The housemaid gives warning, because "Missus wouldn't let her 'aye a fortnit' hol'day at Christmas." Poor overworked wretch ! 11^ am. — Church. Charity sermon, and coin clinking all over the place. Thank goodness, I have a sixpence in my righthand waistcoat pocket. Feel it to make sure, and then sit unconsciously staring at the Ten Commandments. Plate appears— -I feel ifc by instinct at my back -whip out my sixpence and drop it in with a clatter. Churchwarden bows. Eh-whewJ I've put in half asovereign ! Never mind, it's in charity ! 1.30 p.m. — Dinner, "Sit upright, Jacky 1 Tom, I'll box your ears for you t Isabella

Ann, if you don't take that tablespoon out of your mouth -Now then, Eliza, do take careoftbatchildjhe'lloverbalanoehimself— (Cr-r-rash, yow-ow-ow)— I told you so !" and the contents of the soup tureen go into the fireplace. "For what we are going," etc. 2pm — Turkey too high, and nothing in the house but yesterday's mutton chops. Augustus James, who is partial to turkey, cries until he becomes purple. "Take Augustus James out, Ellen please." Booboo—smash, bash, smash — and the dear boy clutches at tho gasalier, and brings: tive lamp shades shivering about our ears. " Eliza, my darling, the compliments of the season !" 3.30 p.m. — After waiting* for an hour or two for burnt chops- Master Joseph has put salt in the plum pudding (a masterly jest, taught him in " Williams'a Christmas Annual ")— l dined. 4 p.m.— My^ wife's aunt, from whom I havo expectations, drops in. That dear boy Tom puts a Christmas cracker under her chair, and blows her wig off with the shock. She faints, overturning a worktable and smashing two Dresden vases, worth £30 a- piece. I seize my hat and rush from the house, just ns Jack knocks Harry downstairs for pulling his sister Louisa's hair ; and Jem squirts at the pair with the pardon engine ! God bless my dear boys ! Crash ! There goes the conservatory window ! Bob has hrown Lizzie's kitten through it, and has bitten Eleanor because Bhe tried to poke a toasting fork into his oyo. Ritooral ritooral! What a happy fellow I am, to be sure. 4 20 p.m. — Will see what is to be seen, and have a Merry Christmas. Hire a , hansom to Studley Park, and have a stroll jon the gra-s. Young men and women playi ing kiss itt-the ring. Young woman runs I into my arms. Young man hits me in the e^e— " What was I doing with his Mariar?" Nothing. We apologise and have drinks — at my expense. Young man wishes me a Mori y Christmas. 5 p.m. — On the Yarra Bend. Five lunatics surround me and ask if I am a Rollicking Kam. Strong smell of roa&t pork and straight \\ aktcoast. Will I sing? Of courde. Give them "Annie Laurie" 19 times, and " The Bay of Biscay " twice. A tall lunatic in a white hat says if I don't "go it once more, he'll knock saucepans out of me." I propare to go in the hardware lino, when a keeper approaches. My fiiends are not lunatic? at all, only visitors on the spree. A thousand pardons — took mo for a lunatic, ['a, ha ! Capital joke ! Mo offence, and a Merry Christmas. 0 p.m. — Down the Yarra in a boat. "Steer off, ' "Port your helm," "Belay there," and so on. Vastly pleasant. The river crowded with pleasure-seekers, all having a Merry Chris — Bump ! We are run into, and lam in the water. Can't swim a stroke, and am giving myself up for lost, when a man in a punt hooks me out by the br-ch s. indignant crowd cry, " Why don't you keep your right side !" " Lubberly booby !" and so on. Lose all my money, except a half-crown, out of my pocket, and am constrained to give my watch to the puntman for saving my life. He snorts contemptuously because it is only a silver one, and a small boy near me sings out, "Measley duffer '" and pelts me with clods, I run for my life 7 p.m. — Plump against Swiper, who says, " Ulio (hie), Jolly boy ! Mer'y hicerishmash!" 7.5 p.m. — We have drinks. / pay. "An extra shilling, please, it's Christmas." Oi course, I'd forgotten that. I must come home withSwiperto dinner. "Wet clothes, cold; must get home." " Nonshense, shall right." For fear of a disturbance, I consent, shivciing, and we drive to St. Kilda. Crowds of jolly people enjoying a merry Christmas— Chanl ! Our wheel off. Some funny dog has drawn the linch pin. Oh, never mind, we'll walk. 8 p.m. — Reach S wipers house. S. has not been home for two days, and the family have gone to the Van Yean, and won't be back till late. Unfortunately, but at this festive season — nevermind, we'll have some brandy. Swiper opens the cellar door with a crash, and finds nothing there but broken bottles, and Private Brown, 200th — too drunk and incapable, who grins feebly, and says something about "festive season." Cook faints on my nock, and vows P. B. is a cousin who is overcome by the heat. Never mind, Christmas comes but once a year ! 8.10 p.m.— Leaving Swiper, with his head on the dinner-table and his heels on the piano, I rush from the accursed spot and make for the mil way. "All right, jump in!" Five old women and their babies? "Will 1 hold one!" With pleasure. " Lovely weather for the time of the year." (Squawk.) Beautiful. (Squawk.) "A little more room, plaase ; don't scroogo me. ■sir." Squawk.) "Here, guard, let me out." " The train runs right on to-day, sir, bpcause it's Christmas time'" "Oh, doj they ? Ah, just so !" 9 p.m. — My peaceful home again Louisa has fallen dow m the stairs throe times, and Harry has nearly hung himself playing at Christmas pantomimes. Jack tried to jump through the kitchen window as Harlequin, and has fractured his skull ; while Bobby, who was Clown, has branded poor Dick for life by "rocking him up" with a red-hot poker To the nursery : The baby is worse. That ingenious little rascal Tom, who played Pantaloon, had abstracted it and was discovered trying to feed it with soapsuds and the skimming ladle. My wife's aunt gone off in high dudgeon, \m\ ing expressed her intention of leaving all her money to that scoundrel Leechmere. 10 p.m. — A note fi;om my friend Borrower : " Can't meet that little bill tills month, old friend." " Little bill !" Four hundred and odd pounds ! "Will I kindly see to it, and ho is mine truly. P.S. — A. Merry ." Confound his impudence. 11 p.m. — Bed. Jack has left the coalscuttle on tho stairs, and I fall over it, barking my shin and breaking my nose. The groom sent off in a hurry for Dr. Tourniquet ; lets my favourite grey down and breaks his knees. Hore I am in bed, with vinegar and brow n paper over my nose, all the children sick, the baby howling like an unfledged tempest, some £500 to pay tomorrow ; and I sink disgustedly to sleep. Eliza murmurs (through the brow m paper), "I hope you have spent a Merry Christmas. "