HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS.

Te Aroha News, Volume II, Issue 58, 12 July 1884, Page 5

HUMOROUS CL IPPINGS.

When they can't mako an Albany baby quit crying in any other way, they let him crawl under a bed and make him believe that they think he is lost and they are looking for him, and he will keep quiet for two hours. Too Honest to be Trusted.— A gentleman stopped his horse at a toll-gate, and not seeing the gate-keeper went into the house. Finding no one he began to search, and finally discovered the gate-keeper out in the fiold at work. Although the old man was quite a distance away, the gentleman went into the field, approached the old man, and said : "You are the toll-gate-keeper. I believe?" " Yes, sir," the old man replied, turning and leaning upon his hoe handle. " Well, I want to go through the gate." " Ain't the gate open ? " "Yes." "Well, why don't you go through ? It's my business to be here." "Because I want to pay you," " And you came all the way out here to pay me five cents i?" "Yes, sir," said the gentleman, proudly looking the old man in the eye. "Couldn't you have left the money on the table ? " " Yes, but I wanted you to know that I had paid you." "You are an honest man." "Yes, sir," replied the gentleman, while a pleased expression spread over his face. " You would have walked three times as far to have paid me that five cents, wouldn't you?" "Yes, sir, I would." "Here, John," called tho old man to a boy that lay in the shade, "call the dog and go along and watch this fellow till he gets away. Bet a hundred dollars he steals something 'fore he leaves the place." Setting a Hen.— Mr Verris : I see dot most efferpoty wrides someding for de shicken bapers nowadays, and I tought p'raps moppe I can do dot too, as I wride all apout vat dook place mit me lasht summer. You know — oder of you don't know, den I tells you— dot Katrina (dot ish mine vrow) und me, ve keeps some shickens for a long dime ago, und von tay she sait to me: "Sockery" (dot ish mine name), " vy dond you put some of the aigs under dot olt plue hen shicken, I tink she vants to sate 1 " " Veil, " I sait, < ' meb-be I guess Ivill." Solbickedoud some of the best aigs und dook um oud do te bam vere de olt hen make her nesht in do site of de hay

mow, pond six feet up. Now you see I nefor was fery pig up ant town, but I v.i3 pooty pig all de vay arount in te mittle> so I koodn't reach up dill I vent and git a parrel do shtand on; veil, I ldimet me on te parrel, and ven my liet rise up by de neshl, dot old plue hen she gif ino .such a peck dot my nose runs all ofer my face mil plood, and ven I todge pack, dot plusted olt parrel lie preaks, iind I vent toM'n ker shlam! I didn't tink I kood go insite a parrel before, but dere I vas, and I fit so dite dot I koodn't git out effervay. My vesht was bushed vay up unter my armholes. Ven I fount dot 1 vas dite sthuck, I holler, "Katrina! Katrina!" und ven she koom and see me sthuck in to parrel up to my arm-holes, mit my face all plood and aigs, she shust lait town on de hay and laft and laft till I got so mad I sait, " Vot you lay there and laf like a olt fool, eh? *Vy dond you koom bull me oud?" und she set up and sait, " Oh, wipe ofF your chin, und pull your vosht down ;" den she lait pack und laft like she vood sphlit herself more as offer. Mat as I vas, I tought to myself, Katrina, she shpeak English pooty goot, but I only sait, with my greatest dignitude, ' ' Katrina, vill you bull me oud dis parrel?" und she see dot I look pooty red, so she sait, " Ob course I vill, Sockery ;" den she lait me und de parrel on our site, und I dook hold de door sill, and Katrina she bull on de parrel ; but de first bull she mate I yellet, " Bonder undblitzen! shtop dot; dere is nails in de parrel !" You see de nails bent down yen I vent in, but ven I koom oud dey sthicked in me all de vay rount. Veil, to make a short sthory long, I told Katrina to go und dell naypor Hausman to pring a saw und saw me dis parrel off. Veil, he koom, und he like to sphlit himself with laf too, but ho roll me ofer und saw de parrel all de vay rount off, und I git up mit half a pan-el aroend my vaist. Den Katrina she say, "Sockery, vait a little till I git a battern of dat new overskirt you hat' on;" but I didn't sait a vort. I shust got a knife und vittle de hoops off und sling 1 dot olt parrel in de woodpile. Pimeby, ven I go in de house, Katrina she sait, so soft-like, ' ' Sockery, don't you going to but nome ftigs unter dat olt plue hen?" Den I sait in my deepest woice, "Katrina, if you cfer say dot to me jxguin, I'll get a pill from yon, help me chiminy cracious," und I dell you she didn't say dot any more. Yell, Mr. Vcrris, when 1 shtep on a parrel now, I don't shtep on it — I get % pox, Werry drooly yourse, Sockery K Adshat. — Poultry Monthly.