HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS.

Te Aroha News, Volume I, Issue 55, 21 June 1884, Page 5

HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS.

It is all right to toll a bell, but it makes a difference how you do it. A man once told a belle he would marry her, and it cost him £1,000 because he didn't. How to Cloak tho Matter. — A lady in San Francisco recently celebrated the eleventh anniversary ot her thirty-fourth birthday. Geography Improved. — Schoolmaster : "Now, Saunders, where are the Cau cases situated?" Saunders: "Birmingham, sir !" Teacher (severely) — " John, why is it that boys' hands are always dirtier than girls'?" John (hesitatingly) — " Please, sir, the girls washes tho dishes." " I don't believe it's any use to vaccinate for smallpox," says a man, "for I had a child vaccinated, and in less than a week after he fell out of a window and was killed." Maid of Athens, ere we part, Tell me if thou hast a heart ; For so padded is thy breast, I begin to doubt the rest. A lawyer engaged in a case tormented a witness so much with questions that the poor fellow at last cried out for water. "There," said the judge, "I thought you would pump him dry." Jean (waking at the dead of night)— "Oh, div ye feel tho smell o' the gas ? Are ye sure yo put it out?" Tarn — "Sure? I wonder to hear ye talking. Hiv I no got a big blister on my thoomb ?" "Husband, you'll have to go and call that boy yourself. I can't make him get up. He sleeps as if ho were a log." " Oh, well, Marie, the boy can't holp it. Its fate. He was bern to be a policeman." A short time since, as a regiment, headed j by its band, marched by, a little boy, standing at his window with his mother, said, " I say, ma, what is the use of all those soldiers who don't play ?" Mr,s Perkyns, whose son went to a distant city last summer, tells her friends that h<3 is getting up in the world. Ho gets up a ladder with a hod full of mortar six days a week. She does not tell of this. Several Irishmen were disputing one day about the invincibility of their respective persons, when one of them remarked, "Faith, I'm a brick." "Andindade I'm a bricklayer, "said another, giving the first speaker a blow that brought him to the ground,

From the Nursery : Dude (posing for a bold bad man): "How does water taste, Miss Belasys?" Miss B.: "You don't mean to say they've brought you up on milk all this time !" " You little rascal, what are you doing with that cigar ?" exclaimed a father, addressing his son. "Ma said if I hit the cat again she'd make me ' smoke ;' an' I hit her again ; an' I'm smoking." Rev. Mr Beecher says: — "Pick out the worst, the meanest, the dirtiest rascal in the crowd -bad as he is, there is within him a pearl." Perhaps so ; but it is safe to bet there is more beer than pearl. The ' J no-card" fever seems to have somewhat subsided. One unfortunate wight recently appended to the notice of his marriage: "No friends to send cards to!" Irish professor in chemistry: "The substance you see in this vial is the most deadly of all poisons. A single drop placed on the tongue of a oat ■is enough to kill the strongest man." A Colourable Excuse.— German Countess: "I told yon expressly to paint the chamber blood colour, and you have made it blue." Painter: "I beg your pardon. I thought the gracious countess had blue blood." "There is one thing connected with your table," said a commercial to a landlord, "that is not surpassed even by the best hotels in London." "Yes," replied the pleased landlord ; " and what is that ?" "The salt." There was a very little boy wading up to his knees almost in the slush in Marquetle, one afternoon this spring, when a passing gentleman said to him, " Why ain't you to school, young man ?" " 'Cos I've got the whoopin' cough !" he explained. "Here, garcon, your horse radish is a very dark colour," said a gentleman to a waiter in a Paris restaurant, during the siege. " Yes, sir ; so it ought to be," was the reply. "The animal belonged to an undertaker." In a railway carriage an old soldier, noticing that his pipe troubled a lady, said to her : " They don't smoke in your regiment, ma'am ?" "In my regiment, it is possible," replied the lady, " but in my company, never !" A writer— probably of the sealskin sack gender and unmarried — asks: "Did you ever watch a dear little baby waking in the morning?" We never did. The little angel always woke so confuondedly early that we were not ready to open our eyes. In an advertisement by a railway company of some uncalled-for goods, the letter "1 " had dropped from the word lawful, and it read, "People to whom these packages are directed are requested to come forward and pay the awful charges on the same." "James, my son, take this letter to the post-office, and pay the postage for it." After a while, the boy returns, highly elated, and says, "Father, I seed a lot of men passing letters in a little place, and when no one was looking, I slipped yours in for nothing." A young doctor of 20, but who looked scarcely 20, was presented in a salon. "What, monsieur, so young and already a doctor ?" said the lady of the house. "Yes madam," replied the young physician, but I only attend very little children as yet." "I understood you to say that your charges would bo light," complained a patient when his doctor handed him a heavy bill. "] believe I said my fees would be nominal," was the reply, "but " " Oh, I see," interrupted the patient, "phenomenal !" | Overheard in a barber's shop : Modern ■■ Elijah (who inclines to be facetious) : " I'm getting to be pretty bald, ain't I? Sup1 pose you'll have to cut my hair for about half price hereafter — eh ?" Tonsorial artist (who is equal to thje emergency) : "Oh no, sir ; we always charge double when- we have to hunt for hair !" " I want a dog's muzzle." said a little boy entering a hardware shop. "Is it for your father ?" asked the cautious shopkeeper. "No, of course it isn't," replied the little fellow indignantly ;' ' it's for our dog. " The shopkeeper has i^esolved to be more guarded in the future when he asks customers questions. "Is Mr Matthew Arnold lecturing here to-night ?" asked a stranger of the ticket agent. " Yes, sir. Do you want a seat?" " Yes, if you please." He was handed the ticket, and as he started to go the gentleman at the box office remarked' " Please go up stairs as quietly as you can, sir ; the audience Is asleep." A countryman applied lately to a solicitor for legal advice. After he had given the circumstances of the case, the lawyer asked if he had stated the facts exactly as they had occurred. " Oh, ay, sir," rejoined the applicant, " I thought it best to tell ye the plain truth. Ye can put the lies to it yourself !" The following is an extremely affectionate poetical epistle, addressed to an Irish maiden : I'm yours to command both in weepin' and laughter ; I'm awake all the night, that of you I may dhvame ; I'd hang meself now, if you'd marry me afther ; And though I may change, I'll be ever the aame. An Anxious Parent.— Moses Levisolm and his young hopeful went to the opera, and were fortunate enough to get front seats in the gallery. Before the commencement of the overture, the boy leaned over the railing to take a full view of the house. " Isidore, Isidore !" exclaimed the anxious father, "mind you don't fall; you have to pay one thaler in the pit ?" At Oxford, a proctor encountering on his rounds two undergraduates who were without their gowns or out of bounds, or out of hours, challenged one — "Your name and college?" They were given. Turning to the other — " And pray, sir, what might your name be?" "Julius Ctesar," was the reply. " What, sir ; do you mean to say your name is Julius Cajsar?" " Sir, you did not ask me what it was, but what it might be." The Wrong Address. — A noted physician once sent his man with a box of pills to a patient, and a hamper containing six live pullets to be left at the house of a friend of his. Unluckily, the messenger bungled over his errand, and took the hamper to the patient and the pills to his master's friend. Imagine the consternation of the patient on receiving with the fowls the following prescription :—": — " Two of these to be swallowed every half hour. " A lady had in her employ an excellent girl who had one fault — her face was always grimy. Mrs X., wishing to tell her to wash her face without offending her, at last resorted to strategy. "Do you know, Bridget," she remarked, in a confidential manner, " that if you wash your face every day in hot soap and water, it will make you beautiful?" "Will it?" answered the wily Bridget. "Sure it's a wonder ye never tried it, ma'am 1" Ararimn Licensing Committee have granted all hotel licenses, subject to closing at 10 p.m. No "Lamb "-ing down at Riverhead*.