HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS.

Te Aroha News, Volume I, Issue 43, 29 March 1884, Page 3

HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS.

A distinguished actor was playfully reproached the other evening by a lady friend at a roception for going: so little into society. '' We all want to see you," she declared "You really ought to let us lionise you a little." "I never heard of but one man," the comedian returned, "that was not spoiled by being lionised." " Who was that ?" the lady asked. "The Prophet Daniel," was the ready response. A few days ago (says a writer in " Vanity Fair ") Geoffrey (aged five) questioned me as to Mr Tennyson, of whom he had heard recently much talk. "Mr Tennyson," I said, *' is a poet — you know what a poet is." Geoffrey : " Yes, 1 know, He is a man that makes up rhymes— and (reflectively)— and then he calls them poetry." A well-known society girl who made her debut last year is very indignant because some wretch sent her last week a bouquet of roses, imbedded in which was a tiny ivory prayer-book, with certain passages marked. A statue of Boranger is about to be erected in the Place clv Temple, Paris. A somewhat amusing circumstance is that the sculptor has depicted the great chansonnier holding in his left hand a volume of Horace's works. Now, Bcranger, in a letter which went tho round of the press, declared that ho did not know a word of Latin !— " Truth." A fearful crime was prevented a few days ago between Handford and Trentham by the activity and watchfulness of a local policeman. Looking over a hedge, lie had observed a labourer, armed with a large knife, pursuing his terrified victim across an open field. Still he watched, until, after a breathless chase, the ruffian overtook her, threw her down, and just as she was struggling frantically to escape the fatal stab the policeman appeared upon the scene and saved her life. She was a sheep. —"Globe." The American " Punch " is publishing a number of fables. The two following are amusing : — '•The Hark an t d the Toktoise.— The hare onco challenged the tortoise to a trial of speed. The hare frisked about merrily, paying little attention to his rival, or jeering him for his slowness. The tortoise, however, plodded along steadily, and had well-nigh reached the end when the hare observed his progress. Away darted the hare like lightning, and won the race. — Moral : The race is not always to the slow." "The Merchant of Venice. — A Venetian merchant, who was lolling in the lap of luxury, was accosted upon the Rialto by a friend who had not seen him for many months. ' How is this? 1 cried the latter. ' When I last saw you your gaberdine was out at elbows, and now you sail in your own gondola !' 'True,' replied the merchant, ' but since then I have met with serious losses, and been obliged to compound with my creditors for ten cents on the dollar.'— Moral : Composition is the life of trade." Plow little we hear of Mrs Langtry just now, says a society paper. She seems to have dropped entirely out of the memory of everybody, and she goes and comes and acts as she pleases, and nobody pays the slightest heed. Every dog has his day, and so apparently have women like Mrs Langtry. It seems, however, she is as fascinating as she has ever been, and that there are other young men in the world who make as big idiots of themselves about her as did Freddie Gebhardt. While she was in Washington, a young man well known in Society thei'e gave her a diamond vivg valued at £1,000. Mrs Langtry has now finer jewels and in greater variety than any woman in America. They are valued at a large amount. It is said that Oscar Wilde is about to be married to an Irish lady who possesses three remarkably valuable qualifications — a fortune of 120,000, a London residence, and no mother-in-law. The young lady, who is fair as well as rich, is Irish, like himself, md an orphan. It occurs to us that when little Oscars gather about his board, they will make it hard for him to preserve the sweet serenity of his soul, to say nothing of the classical curve of his curls, and the graceful sweep of his knee-breeches. There is some wonderful insight displayed in the Chicago criticisms of Mr Irving and Miss Ellen Terry. W ho, on this side the Atlantic, has ever discovered "genius in j every wrinkle of Mr Irving's brow," a "godlike power in the bendin&s of his little finger ?" Nor has it yet been made manifest to any but these keen-eyed Western critics that Miss Terry's " plastic soul " is " responsive to emotion as an harp;'' or that her " wind-blown tresses do not bear the marks of moral ci'imping-irons." Oscar Wilde discovered more poetry in one of Mr Irving's legs than in the other ; but his dramatic insight was as nothing compared with these Transatlantic transports. —"Globe." In order to obtain some idea of the profits of street begging, Mr H. S. Maclauchlan, a journalist on the staff of the " Echo," disguised himself as a mendicant, and begged all day in some of the fashionable squares in the West End of London. His " make up " was so clever that a constable, regarding him as a suspicious character, arrested him, and Mr Maclauchlan had considerable difficulty in proving he was only an amateur vagrant. Indeed, he was only released when a Magistrate was satisfied from evidence that Mr Maclauchlan really Mas on a journalistic expedition. Mrs De Jenkins: "Dear me, Matilda Jane, it's no use trying to be aristocratic any longer. I've done everything mortal woman could, since your pa did so well in lumber, but the obstacles are getting too great. I give it up." Matilda Jane: "Why, ma, I think we go quite splendid. I'm sure. We don't eat with our knives anymore, and we've got so we dare speak to the butler at dinner. The way you say c James, you may go,' sounds like a queen talking. What is the trouble now ?" Mrs De Jenkins : " Well, 1 was reading only a little while ago that the gout and a family feud were necessary adjuncts to the aristocracy, and I don't see any prospect of securing either." When a lady wears a bustle in front, laughter should be pardoned. At a recent "swell" ball a lady appeared in a new Berlin toilet, and immediately upon her entrance faces were hid behind fans and merriment reigned supreme. The gentlemen were rude enough to curiously eye the costume, and she, in a rage, called on the dressmaker noxt day to see what the matter was with her attire. That worthy also was seized with a fit of laughter. That only increased the ire of her patron, but the explanation was soon made. " You have put on your dress the wrong way, with the 'pouf ' in front." It would have been surprising (says the "Manchester Weekly Times ") if the American papers had not found a husband for Miss Mary Anderson in England. They evidently felt it their bounden duty not to let her return without a title, and accordingly it has been duly announced that the lady was in due time to become the Duchess of Portland (the Duke, by the way, is also to be engaged, according to other veracious authorities, to the eldest daughter of the Prince and Frfowas of Wales), Singularly

enough, Mis 3 Anderson had heard nothing of ths good fortune in store for her, and she has not only denied that she has contracted any matrimonial engagement, but further says that she is wedded to her profession alone, and intends to remain Mary Anderson. The correspondents who sent the news wore on the wrong tack this time, but let them try a^ain. So charming a lady cannot surely intend to remain single all her life, and the New York papers may yet be able to find her an acceptable spouse. Now that the Celtic has arrived safely, a good many people, the " Fall Mall Gazette " remarkr, will quite wish that they had shared tne pleasant excitementof so unusual a voyage, while gentlemen with a turn for speculation will really regret the loss of such a capital opening. No sooner, it appears, was the ballot for the four passengers who were to be taken by the Argosy decided than some brisk business began, and two of the successful drawers parted with their right to rescuo for 1 5 each. Any one with a real turn for the thing would have bought up as many of the chances as he could beforehand, for all the time there was an American sculptor on board who had a pressing and lucrative engagement in Rome in connection with the execution of a statue of President Garfield, and who offered L'4o as soon as he heard that the chance of being transferred to the " Argosy " was negotiable. But the sellers did not hold their luck long enough, and the buyers refused to sell again. Everybody has remarked on the extensive advertising of the late Professor Holloway, and upon his collection of foreign newspapers from all parts of the world. But I have not seen it anywhere remarked — which is nevertheless the fact — that he was as generous in the use of this collection | as in liis other charities. Anyone who wished to be informed on affairs in Newfoundland, in New Zealand, or in the wilds of Persia or Turkestan, had only to mount to the garret at the top of Professor Hollo way's house near Temple Bar. There he found two or three clerks arranging the newly-arrived journals. They were always leady to supply their visitor with whatever he wanted, then they attended to their own business, left him to copy his extracts, and never, even by a look, suggested the idea ot baksheesh. Nowhere have I found greater literary hospitality than in the &ky-parlour of Professor Holloway. — "Vanity Fair." This is what a fatirist says of his ladylove, when he saw her "dancing" in a ball." — " Around her snowy brow were set £30 in the shape of diamond flakes of light ; with the gentle undulation of her bosom rose and fell £500 in a necklace of brilliants. Her fairy form was invested in £10, represented by a slip ot azure satin, and this was overlaid by »30 more in two skirts of white lace. Tastefully down each side of tho latter were laid fc'l 15s worth, which so many bows of snowy ribbon had come to. The lower margins of the £30 skirts were edged with £11 additional, the value of some fringe a quarte* of a yard in depth. Her taper waist, taking zone and clasp together, I calculated to be confined by £30. Her delicately rounded arms— the gloves of creamy kid being added to the bracelets which encircled her little wrists —may be said to have been adorned with 12'?, and, putting the silk and satin at the lowest hgure, J should say she wore i' 2 upon her feet. Thus, altogether was this thing of li^ht, this creature of loveliness, arrayed from top to toe, exclusive of little sundries in about 1 636 or thereabouts.