HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS.

Te Aroha News, Volume I, Issue 28, 15 December 1883, Page 5

HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS.

" TiiEttell me, ' said a' temperance lecturer t6 one of his neighbours, "that you are fond of a glass of 'wine. 11 ' "They are greatly mistaken — they should' have said a bottle of wine." "How profoundly still and beautiful is the night," she whispered, leaning her finely -veined temple against hi? coit-collar, and fixing her dreatny eyes on" the^ar-off Pleiddes, "How soothing, how restful." ""Yes," lib replied, toying with her golden aureole 6f hair, " and what 1 a night to shoot cats!" ' • l A gentleman once said he should like to set alioat full of ladies adrift on the ' ocean to'see whqt course they would ■ steer. :> A lady in the room replied, "That's easily told— they would steer to the 1 Isle' of Man} to be fcure'J" ' " "Where, was 1 Bishop Latimer burned' td death?" asked a teacher in a commanding voice. "Joshua- knows," said a little girl at the bottom bf the class. - "Well;" 'said the teacher, "if J.oshua knows he tyay tell:" " In thfe 1 fire," replied 'Joshua', looking' very grave and wise. ' * ' 'Last 1 ( Monday 'a 1 J * somewhat avaricious Scotch clergyman ! was bentoaning the 1 loss of many stooks df wheat in consequence' of an ovei'ftow 1 of the jßtvei- Tay! * 1 But; ", said 6he of his parishioners, "yow'told -ris" on Sunday that' we should cast Our bread upon the waters." "'Aye, aye; sb 1 did { but'l said Clothing 'about the straw. 11 A 1 strange* 1 in" St: Loiiisy 'thinking herecognised his coat on the 1 'back 'of a pedestriaW'shdtited "Stop ( thief > and' about thirty 'of the' inhabitants suddenly ' disappeared down asidestreei. ' " "Minister's- Man. -^-" How is it,'" said a Scdtch Minister ' to his gervartt, ' ' * that • yoii rievdr' go : d message 'for me any where 1n the pttrish^ but' you 'take, tod much spirits ? People 1 doh't' offer me' whisky when I'm making Visits in' the pariah." " We-il,' sir," Answered 'John, "I carina pveceesely explain'it; unless oh the suppdl^tion thatTm 'a/^veVmair popular wi some of the folks." 1 4 ' How i's it that 1 Wilkins" fend his wife live* so' happily* together 1 /' #hy, they te been 1 married "twd-and-twenty years' and iiever had a'^dw l' yi "Oh,' that's >tt very simtole 'matter! Shft'is 'but the • whole day washing, ftnH h'd is a night-Watelimhn 1 , arid out'all -nightr nl -■ l " }t '"" 'm " ♦• -All ' Right I.—Mark»Twain1 .— Mark » Twain a friend 'm'^t at) the Sherman Hou'ae, (jHlcagb; 1 where (jldae}i,the ( temperance advbtiatje) was al^lo ■spying a.ttbetime, arid concluded to amuy© themseiVbs a- vi cocktail'" to ( G6ugh'sroom. Oil' its arrival •thctye, it was '6V' 'coul'se" ' refused i "■; but' 1 ' the ' • Waiter 'drlitik'jt' 6'ri'tKe way down fctairs, arid reported "All WgHtrtd the delighted hiimorists. A^ecohd and a, third" '« cocktail " •wfer'e 1 s takeh l up, • and - disposed ' of ' in 'like 'itianner 1 , 1 wh6n ' "appeared 1 6ti '•' 'the scene,, apdspoiled 'the', jokebV efxjJosin'g the 6'raft' of the' waiter, 'Whom he had • followed, 'and 'deteciJed ih theaciof swallowing 1 the -la'st'beYera'geV 1 i[t/ •■'•■;• '. >i A i lecturei'VaB'e'xplaimrig to a little girl how a lobster cast his shell • when ' he' had dutgfown it: "Said he i »' Whafdo'jrou do with ypur, clothed whert' y'dUVe^outei'dwn -You* casfc'-them as&e, don't 1 you?" ** I OH/ no," ♦ reblfed %h& little bn^' «• we let 1 ' ♦' Myj'dear^^safd'a foiid I ' wife, *« when we 'always blejjt wfitK'y^ui 4 last I Je*fter6ftdBi* l . l Jrfy pill6w'i""i"'Ahd I," murjiiured f 'W'hufeljarfd'; ' ! *«'l ttften 1 went iS to 1 fele'e"p t over your letter! " ' l r As ' • ■ ' » " • "'■ ' J f>; F^fet^fcir* ".refoi'merg.^^-I^Ettgland; ; 'j^WHt. 'of 'the priJdiicd>f labbur goto to 'the'wbfk'mah, 21 : to' dapital; And 23 {; fco £ro^6rtibn» In' 1 France •(th^'hdme 1 of ore 41'xto labour, 36 to capital, and 23 t6' GbveVn'United^'States''^2? per cent^ gW'WXMWnMiito Capital,' and orily fi^d to ©bvernmeftt. J Ddes anyone know tne proportions in New! Ze&laHti ?'•