VARIETIES. THE PUZZLED CENSUS-TAKER.

Te Aroha News, Issue 4, 30 June 1883, Page 4

VARIETIES. THE PUZZLED CENSUS-TAKER.

' Got any boyß ?' the marshall said To a lady from over the Rhine ; And the lady shook her flaxen head And civilly answered " Nine I " * Got any girls ? ' the marshall said To the lady from over 'the Rhine ; And again the lady shook her head And civilly answered, u Nine ! " But some are dead ? * the marshall said To the lady from over the Rhino ; And again the lady shook her head And civilly answered, " Nine 1 " 1 Husband, of course ? ' the marshall said To the lady from over the Rhine ; And again she shook her flaxen head And civilly answered, l Nine 1 ' ' The devil you have,' the marshall said To the lady from over the Rhine ; And again she shook her fiaxen bead And civilly answered, * Nine I ' 'Now what do you mean by shaking your head And always answering * Nine* ?' * Ich kann kein Englisoh ?' civilly said The lady from over the Rhine.

A gentleman having occasion to - call on Mr Joseph G , writer, found him at home in his writing chamber. He remarked the great heat of the apartment, and said — * It as hot as an oven,' 'So it ought to be/ replied Mr G— — -, 'for 'tis here I make my bread/ ' Now, my dears, you must do as the Eoaians do/ said old Scroggings to his daughters, on their arrival in Italy. And the first thing the girls saw was a boy standing on his head in a corner - of a railway station.

A farm labourer recently propontod himself at the homestead of a settler up' country, and asked for employment. Having satisfied the farmer as to his \ ability and willingness to work, came to the all -important' question of wages. * Well,' said the farmer, < I'll giro you a pund a week, and the missus will eat you, or I'll give you 80s, and you eat yourself.' A poor Irishman, passing a butcher's shop one day, observed some liver for sale. Not knowing what it was, he inquired of the butcher, and whether it was cheap and good to eat. Receiving an answer in the affirmative, he said he would like to buy some, but his old woman knew only how to boil ' praties,' | whereupon the butcher good-naturedly offered to write him a recipe for preparing the savoury dish. With this and his purchase dangling conspicuously in his hand, Pat sallied forth in triumph. He had not proceeded far, however, before a lean and hungry dog, which had been prowling, seized the tasty morsel with his jaws, and made off as fast as his legs could carry him. Pat, in nowise disconcerted, and, shaking his fist at the canine thief, who was fast disappearing in the distance, said, 'Arrah, j ye dirty blackguard, ye're sowld this time! Yore got the liver, but you can't cook it, for I've got the resate in me pocket!' A brother of Bishop Clark was one of the wittiest men alive. It runs in the family. He once went to see one of his parishioners, a lady with a prodigious family, which had recently been increased. As he rose to leave the lady stopped him with, ' But you haven't seen my last baby.' ' No,' he quickly replied, * and I never expect to.' Then he fled. A Cleveland man named Jones has a cow addicted to the uncomfortable habit of switching her tail in his face while milking her. The other day Jones took the tail and tied it firmly to his leg. The cow, irritated by the flies she could not drive away, started off, anil feeling the curious attachment to her tail became frightened and ran. Jones is now walking about on crutches, and remarking — ' About the tenth time I had been hauled around that lot I began to see where I missed it. I outer tied her tail to her leg and not to mine.' Tne publishers of a German novel scored a hit recently in the line of advertising. They had inserted in most of the papers a notice stating that a certain nobleman of means, anxious to obtain a wife, wanted one who resembled the description of the heroine in the novel named. Of course every marriageable woman who saw this announcement bought the novel to see bow mnch she resembled the imaginary beauty referred to. A gentleman thinks that it is a little curious that when a young man is bent on seeing the world he labours under the hallucination that he can see it better after dark than during the daytime. It is noted that the Dunedin police cells have had fewer occupants lately than for some months past, and the Salvation Army is credited as the cause. In a certain office under the Crown it was found necessary many years ago to employ a staff of foreign examiners, in order to translate the documents which were submitted in support ot certain charges. An old German was seated with one of the Commissioners, renowned for his piety and courteous speech. The Commissioner pointing to a name on the list, inquired what hail become of him. The German replied : ' Oh, he is dead and gone to .' The Commissioner, horror-struck, replied : ' My dear sir, you must not speak of him in that way.' * Never a-mind,' said the German, * never-a-mind.' Then, in a | mysterious ' and emphatic whisper, he added : ' You vait — some day you vill see V