A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 1070, 6 September 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Ker-Splash.—He (bragging about ancestry): “Yes, my father sprang from a line of p^ers.” Bored Listener: “Did he drown?'* Passing The Buck.—Producer: “If 1 make you a star, you must lead a life of strict decorum.” Actress: “But can’t my understudy do that?” Why Pet Got Pettish.—She: “Anybody would think I was nothing but a cook in this household.” He: “Not after a meal here, my pet.”

* Baffled Pacifist.—Judge: “The two men were fighting with chairs. Didn’t you try to establish peace?” Witness.—“No, there was not a third chair.” Soft Boiled.—“ Where did you get those big, tender, sympathetic eyes?” she cooed. “Oh/* replied the sailor, “they came with my face.” When Blossoms Fade.—“My fiance spends too much money on flowers; every day he comes with an expensive bunch. I wish I could get him out of it.” “Never mind; you’ll soon be married/*

The Attachment.—Smith: “I’ve got a little attachment here for your wireless.” Neighbour: '‘Thanks very much Smith. Let’s have a look at it. I’m always interested in something new.” Smith: “Well, it’s just a brick and some rope, and the river’s the second turning on the right.”

Professional Parrot.—A famous Harley Street doctor was giving a dinner party. His favourite parrot was in the room behind some curtains. In the course of the meal one of the guests, a lady, was very voluble, and talked for some time without cessation.

When at last she stopped, a sepulchral voice demanded from behind the curtain, “Let me see your tongue, please.”

The Dog It Was That Died.—The teacher was teaching his class about parrot fever, and warned the pupils never to kiss animals or birds, especially parrots, canaries, and so on. “Can you give me an instance, Jackie?” he asked.

“Yes, sir, my Aunt Emily used to kiss her lap-dog!” “Yes, and ?” “And it died, sir!”

Not a Tuppenny Curse.—A little boy had got into the habit of saying “Darn!” of which his mother did not approve.

“Dear,” she said to the boy, “here is sixpence; it is yours if you promise not to say 'Darn!' again.” “All right, mother,” he said, as he took the money. “I promise.” As he lovingly fingered the money a hopeful look came into his eyes, and he said:

“Say, mother, I know a word that’s worth a bob.”

Very Arch.—lt won’t hurt but a minute. If you will just sit very quietly in the chair here while I get a good hold on it. One quick jerk and it will be out. You’ll hardly feel it. Brace yourself on the arms while I pull it. One. two, three and it’s out. Now. if you will just be patient while I pull about six'more and your eyebrows will be perfectly arched again.

He’d Be Missed.—Judge: “Now, 1 don’t expect to see you here again, Rastus.” Rastus: “Not see me again, Jedge? l Why, you-all ain’t going to resign, is you, Jedge?” Innocent Mistake.—“Oh Elinor, your dog has killed one of Reggie's prize roosters.” “Darling, I’m so sorry. But you mustn’t blame poor Fido—how* was he to know that it was a prize rooster?” Relativity.—Teacher: “What is the ! difference between a flea and an | elephant?” i Tommy: “Well, an elephant can ! have fleas, but a flea can’t have j elephants.” * No Altruism.—“ Well, doctor, how am I?” “Very well; your legs are still a bit i swollen, but that doesn’t disturb me.'* i “I understand, doctor; if your legs were swollen, it wouldn’t disturb me.” The Woman of It.—“So you asked | Geraldine to marry you?” “Yes. but I didn't have any luck." ■ “Why didn’t you tell her about your I rich uncle?” “I did. Geraldine’s my aunt now.” « * 4 Solving the Agricultural Problem.— “Has that expert in farm relief been of assistance to you?” “Some,” answered Farmer Corntossel. “He showed me where I can put a good golf course on my land a* soon as I can afford to play the game.” B'g-Gun Curtain Lecture. —Mrs. Bindler: “Is there any difference, Thomas, do you know, between a fort and a fortress?” Mr. Bindler: “I should imagine a fortress, mj’ dear, would be more difficult to silence.”

Catch As Catch Can.—She: “Do you know, Joe, I think you were just made for me.” He: “Well, dear, I’m sure you were made for me.” Whereupon they made for each, other. The Laggard.—They were discussing the education of their children. “What s your boy going to be when he finishes at college?” asked one. “An octogenarian, I fear,” the other replied.

Malice Misplaced. Male Straphanger.—“Madam, you are standing on my foot.”

Female Ditto.—“l beg your pardon. I thought it belonged to the man sitting down.”

Not a Good Lotion.—Hairdresser.— “Your hair is very thin on top. 6ir.” Customer.—“ Yes, the result of Anno Domini.”

Hairdresser.—“ Oh. that’s no good at all. You should try a bottle of our lotion.”

Coming Events. Little Jim. knew you were coming tonight!” Sister’s Beau.—“ Who told you?” Little Jim.—“ Nobody told me, but 1 saw my sister take your picture out of the bureau drawer, and put it on the piano! ”

Not His Job.—“Oh, save my hair! Save my hair!” she cried, pointing to a wig rapidly drifting out to sea. “Madam,” replied the gallant beach attendant, as he took a firm grip on her shoulder, “I’m only a life-saver, not a hair restorer.”