A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 1064, 30 August 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Warm Reception.—Two gentlemen who had had an extraordinarily successful “night out” were comparing notes some days afterward. “My goodness,” said one, “that was a terrible night. I’m rather ashamed to say that I finished up in the police station.” “Lucky dog,” said the other, bitterly. “I found my way home.” The Hint.— He was one of those young men who never seem to know when to go. She had yawned several times, when a clock in the hall struck midnight. “Is that an eight-day clock?” he “Well,” said the girl, stifling another yaw r n, “why don’t you stay a little longer and find out?” v $ * True Hospitality. —A. 15. Houghton, the former American Ambassador to Great Britain, recently told the story of buying a newspaper from a London newsboy, who charged him the usual price of one penny. “I guess I would have to pay double the price of this paper if I were in America,” Mr. Houghton remarked.

“Well,” said the urchin, “you can pay me double, guv’nor, if it'll make you feel more at ’ome.”

Well, That’s Different. —The secretary of a huge store, obviously upset, dashed into the manager’s office. “Good gracious, man,” snapped the manager, “whatever’s happened?” The secretary calmed down somewhat. “It’s Robinson, our traveller,” he explained. “Used most insulting language. Told me to fry my face, and he said that you could go and chase yourself.” “He did, did he!” snapped the manager. “We’ll fire him without ceremony. Let’s see, he’s been with us for five months. What business has he done in that time?” “A hundred pounds in the first month,” said the secretary, reading from a book, “£SOO the next month. £3,000 the next, and £9,000 the next.” “H’m,” murmured the manager thoughtfully, “I often think I ought to take a little more exercise, and I dare say the caretaker will give you a frying-pan.”

Unnecessary.—Mrs. Stone, the very suburban housewife, had just engaged a new maid.

Before explaining the duties to the girl she thought she would first inquire into her family. “By the way, I will, of course, require your name,” said the housewife.

“Yes, ma’am,” returned the girL “My name’s Miss Parsons.” “But you don’t expect me to call you Miss Parsons?” went on the mistress.

“Certainly not, ma’am,” put in the new maid, haughtily. “I have an alarm clock.”

The Agreeable Motorist.—" Yes, officer, you’re absolutely right; I’ve had my car parked here fifteen minutes longer than the legal amount of time. Yes, I know that I ought to go before the judge and be punished. I agree with you that I had no business whatever breaking the law, and you would be justified in testifying against me. I’m perfectly willing to take a ticket. Just hand it here, and much obliged to you. There should be more men like you in the force. . . . Well, good-day, officer, and thanks once again for giving me the opportunity to buy this ticket for the Policeman’s Benefit Ball.”

The Long and the Short Of It.— “Yes, my man, here’s a bob. Now you can go and get. something to eat.” “Thank you, mister. thank you. I haven't always begged like this, but I was driven to it. To look at me you wguldn’t think ~that I used to have a. goo job, and plenty of money. No, but then came the—" “Aha, the same old story, you‘re one of the stock crash victims still wandering around." “Ohl no, sir. I never bought a stock or share in my life. I was no gambler." ' “Well, what on earth happened then?” “Long dresses, sir, that did it." “What? You mean to stand there and tell nle that long dresses lost you your job?” ' “Yes, sir, when the girls started wearing long dresses again. they sacked half of us Press photographers. Thank you for the bob again, sir.”

Financing the Home.—Sandy, who was the father of 14 children, was asked what they had for Christmas dinner. “A pound of steak,” said Sandy. "But, surely, that was no good for all your family?” said his friend. "Yes, it was,” replied Sandy, “for when the missus brought the steak in I said to the kids, ‘Who’s going to have steak, and who's going to have a. penny?’ and they all chose a penny. When the Christmas pudding appeared, I said, ‘Who’s going to have a pennyworth of pudding?’ and they all had a. pennyworth.” t * Safety First.—il son was on his w«i y home from the station. When he was about three miles from the village and about a mile from his house he saw a man approaching him from the opposite direction. “Excuse me. sir,” said the stranger, when they met, “do you happen to have seen a policeman anywhere about?” _ "I’m afraid I haven’t seen one for over two miles,” returned Wilson unsuspectingly. "Good!” snapped the stranger, changing liis tone of voice. “Hurry up and give me your watch and pocket-book, Whang!—A fraternity had sent its curtains to be laundered. It was the second day that th€ house had stood unveiled. One morning the following not© arrived from a sorority across the street: "Bear Sirs, —May we suggest tliat you procure curtains for windows! We do not care for a course in anatomy." The chap who left his shaving to read the note answered: "Bear Girls. —The course is optional. *

On the Train.—"Xov. guard.” said Pilkington, “remember if I have this carriage to myself for the entire journey you will receive half a crown.” "Very good, sir,” said the guard, and he locked the door. All went well until they reached al station about the middle of the journey; then an irascible man pulled at the doore of Filkington’s carriage. "Guard! Guard!” he called. ‘‘Open this door! I know your tricks! I’ve the right to travel in this carriage, and I mean to do it!” The guard whispered a few words to the irascible man, after which, the man went away. “How did you manage it?” Pilkington asked the guard at the end of the journey, as he pressed the promised half-crown into his hand. “How did you get that bad-tempered old chap to go away so quietly?” “I just told him you were a bit wrong in the head.” replied the guard.

A New Record.—There was a tremendous crash. Farmer Jones, who was forking in one of his cowsheds, rushed out into the farmyard, and looking up into a tree, saw a small airplane lodged in the topmost branches.

“What do you think you’re doing?’* he asked the airman, who had, fortunately. escaped injury, and was in the act of climbing down the tree. “I was trying to create a new air record,” returned the other sadly. “And you’ve succeeded.” exclaimed the farmer. “You’re about the first chap who has climbed down a tree without first climbing up.”

The Ejection.—-The proprietor of the country hotel looked worried. and when the policeman approached he said: "Yes, I know I'm open after hours; but it isn‘t my fault. I've got a. man here who refuses to leave." “Oh. you have, have you?" said the policeman. “We’ll soon see about that." He marched into the house. and. going up to a. shabby man sitting in a. corner. deposited him outside before he could protest. “‘hereupon the pro~ prletor quickly bolted and barred hidoors. “Now. then,"—said the policeman, surveying the offender. “who are you that you should refuse to leave licensed premises. I should like to know?" , The shabby man was spluttex'lng with “Tath. “W'ho anl I, you idiot? I’m the broker’s man."