Heart and Home Ghats

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 1056, 21 August 1930, Page 6

Heart and Home Ghats

Fime

By

Miss Anns Hut icily o wilt answer letters t» this column every Thurs day An accomplished writer an ardent feminist , a student of human nature and a wide traveller she it well fitted tor the task 7'host who have problem* and tacit o confidante co help in their solution may with confidence write to 31is* Rutledge whose knowledge will b* placed at their disposal A sym < pathetic woman, she will assist those who stand in need of assist ance Communications for Miss Rutledge should be addressed to THE SUN office

PASSED OVER Dear Miss Rutledge,— I have worked hard and conscientiously for my firm for' many years in an executive capacity. Recently the head of my department joined another company, and as I am next “in line,” I took it for granted that I should be appointed departmental manageress. Much to my chagrin, a younger and less experienced woman has been given charge, and I am still in the same position I have filled for 10 years. Now, what do you think can be the matter with me? lam not yet 30, and have a good appearance, etc. I find it very hard to be amiable to my new head. What do you advise? MORTIFIED. ANSWER Don't spend any more time speculating on the whys and wherefores, for you might strive for years, and then fail to understand the strategic moves of the powers-that-be in a large company. Not that you are merely a pawn in the commercial game. You possibly are the right woman in the right place, according to your employers, and if you did not make an application to fill the head position, not being mind-readers, they naturally overlooked you. As would be the case in most walks of life, they possibly took it for granted that because you had not bothered to stir from the even tenor of your way for 10 years you were quite content to tread the same pathway for another ten. Now that their actions have rubbed your ambitious sensibilities raw, let us hope you are roused to do better things, and that it. will not be very long before you conform to certain standards that will make you capable of filling an even higher position than the one you just missed. Success must be earned, and cannot be brought to light by imaginary rubbing of Aladdin’s lamp. Make known jour ambitions to the chief of your firm, and ask that you be considered foi* promotion at the next opportunity, which may come sooner than you think. Radiate brightness and loyalty. ANNE RUTLEDGE. UNSATISFACTORY Dear Miss Rutledge,— Do you think I am unreasonable because I expect the young man who is supposed to love me to make every effort to earn enough money to proj vide a good home for me? I also expect my fiance to be complimentary rather than fault-finding with me, and to give up some of liis other failings of which Ido not approve. Am I right or wrong? ANXIOUS AMY. ANSWER^ If a man cannot give a girl proof of his love during the courtship period, it is safe to say that she will seek to find the proof later. Any man with an ounce of ambition, orice he has really fallen in love, puts in the “elbow grease,” because he knows that sucli energy brings the happy day nearer realisation, and he is keen to give his wife comfortable surroundings from the beginning. It is an incentive to a man to have a woman to provide for. You may be sure that something is lacking if your young man is lax in such matters. His love is either too “watery” to have any real flavour, or else he is too selfish to make a good husband at all. If he is miserly in handing out compliments to you now. you may depend upon being literally starved for them aftei' marriage. Again, if he persists in unpleasant habits that are objectionable to you, the prospects i for a successful marriage look black, j People that hope to reform their partners after marriage are often more than disappointed. Think well on the subject before you say “yes” at the- altar. ANNE RUTLEDGE.

BY THE SICK BED Dear Miss Rutledge,— Having read o£ your kind advice to others in trouble, I am penning a few lines, hoping you can help me in mine. Several months ago I met a young man and we fell madly in love with one another at once. Everything went smoothly for about three months, and thqn there was a difference of opinion between us. My friend then turned to the first girl who came along. He had been seeing her for several weeks when he met with an accident which resulted in his being kept to bed for quite a while. During the time he was ill the other girl visited him daily. Now he is well again and we have made it up. He finds he is still in love with me, and does not care for the other girl, hut cannot break with her, as it would seem an ungentlemanly thing to do now he is on his feet again, she having spent so much of her time with him while was ill. Can you help me in this problem? EARNEST. ANSWER Let us look at the situation from another angle, that of the other girl. At present she is placed in a false position because of your friend’s reluctance to be frank with her. Don’t you think that she would prefer to know the truth now, instead of later on, when she will have wasted, more time, opportunity, and appear even more foolish in the eyes of her friends? The best action to take is to explain the situation to the young woman as soon as possible. Of course there is always the other alternative for you, based on the supposition that an ounce of experience is worth a ton of theory, but it could only be entertained if he refused to be honest with the other girl, or she could not be put off. Just as there are many paths leading into the wood, so there are more ways out than one. Advise your friend to cast out fear and be straight to the other girl. If he will not, you had better do some thinking. I presume that you are all quite young, so don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. ANNE RUTLEDGE. TOO MUCH BRIDGE Dear Miss Rutledge,— I am approaching you for your advice about a matter which is considerably worrying me. I have been married ten years, and have two little children, age nine and seven. About two years ago my wife met a friend who taught her to play bridge. After she learned the game they used to play two nights a week, one night at home and one night at a friend’s place. Now they are top-notch players. Every night of the week my

wife is away from home, except for the night they play bridge at our place or on Sunday night, when the play of the week has made my wife so tired she goes to bed early. Other nights, as soon as the children are in bed, she goes off, returning home about midnight. I have spoken to her about it, but she says that she can see no harm in what she does. 1 have none, of her company at all. As soon as the children go, poor old father is left on’ his own. My wife is very stubborn in many ways, and, to a certain extent, I admire her for it. If she says anything she will keep to it, and it is impossible to change her mind. We are both very fond of our children, and do not want to part from them. * These bridge nights are getting on my nerves. We have many little quarrels over them, but it makes no difference, and is making life almost unbearable. We have a piano which I have not heard my wife play for months, although she may do so in the daytime. I have asked her to play, but she replies that she has no time now, and when 1 have suggested, staying home for a few tunes and a game of bridge, she says that she lias no interest in playing with me. We have a gramophone and almost everything else to keep her at home. I would appreciate any advice you can offer as to how I can arrange things so that they will run more smoothly BRIDGE. ANSWER It takes diplomacy to hold the modern woman. Compliments, and the “handing of bouquets” wore" undoubtedly among the delights you showered her with in the ante-nuptial perhaps now you are aware of the reasons of the rift in the lute. In her eyes, your stock has fallen. It is the woman whose husba.nd makes her believe that she is the most attractive and desirable to him, who mostly takes the trouble to reciprocate. If love is to enter the picture, you must both clean your minds of grievances,- no matter whether directly or indirectly you oi* she is to blame, or both of you. Remember that few men can hold their own .with a woman in an argument. I realise that things must have become rather bad when she is invited to places without you, unless in the first instance you made it clear that you were not interested in bridge. Now, call a halt to quarrelling. Get into the habit of thinking twice before you shoot the snappy or unkind word. Definitely resolve to speak courteously to your wife whether you are pleased or “huffed.” You mav think this impractical, but how many salesmen and business men swallow their feelings or inclinations to humour and keep a valued customer; and your wife should be the most valuable person to you. Groom yourself well, and tell your wife that you miss her company and want to make her happy. Suggest that she play bridge at home more often, if she doesn't, want to do less playing, and mention that you would like to join in the play. It seems a pity that all one’s spare time should be occupied so unprofitablv, for although occasional games are a pleasant relaxation, continual playing indicates slavery to the habit which too frequently means an unhealthy gambling fever. If peaceful methods are not successful, still refrain from hard words, but tell your wife firmly that she must change her habits, and respect your wishes. If she defies you, make it clear that the alternative will be unpleasant retaliation in many ways, and possible separation. Love of her children should at least provide an incentive to harmonious compro--111 The plain fact is that unless you have done something very wrong to justify your wife avoiding your company socially, she is utterly at fault, and the sooner you stop plajung a subservient vole, the better. In the event of a separation, your wife would probably have the custody of the children unless you proved her to be unfit You no doubt would have liberal access to them. See a solicitor on this point, as your letter may not have revealed sufficient information. ANNE RUTLEDGE.

DIFFIDENT Dear Miss Rutledge,— I am very much in love with a young man who used to take me out a lot. When I left his district, he took other girls out, not because he was in love with them, but because he was a very lonely man. He is a man who has been used to a mother’s care, and now that he is away from home he needs somebody to look after him (he has become susceptible to vei*3" bad colds). He writes to me regularly, and although he professes great love for me, he seems a bit shy about the question of marriage. Would it be out of place for me to lead up to the question? WORRIED. ANSWER Apparently the young man is of the kind that the poet studied when he wrote “Man’s love is of man’s life, a thing apart, ’tis woman’s whole existence.” Woman’s emotional nature is her meat and drink, and she is not satisfied unless she is fanning some man’s ardour into flame, or mothering somebody. During the long years that woman has fought for equal status with men, the instinct to love has survived, and will continue to survive, despite the controversies on “Motherhood versus Career.” This question of love is inexhaustible, and of never failing interest. Have no misgivings, for if you are really in love with this man, and you have congenial temperaments, nature has already forged a chain between you that will not break. But, if you cannot wait patiently for things to work out in their own sweet way, I see no harm in your choosing a suitable time and place, and in true womanly fashion hinting to this man how well you could look after him. Handle the situation delicately* foi* to be too blatant would spoil the atmosphere. However, try and be patient., for a proposal coming from a man, without undue prompting, is the jewel in its most appropriate setting. ANNE RUTLEDGE.