A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 1046, 9 August 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Housebroken.— “ Why does a redheaded woman always marry a meek man?” ‘‘She doesn’t—he just gets that way.” Time for Furs. —Xiece: Oh, isn't the water cold? Auntie: Well, you will wear those flimsy bathing-suits. Easy Come, Easy Go. —“ Whenever you see a quitter,” said Uncle Eben, “you’a liable to see a man dat was’n’ much of a beginner in de fust place.” Big Game. —Big Game Hunter (at dance): “I killed four lions that day.” She: “How wonderful! Hid you tread on them?” 'Two Hearts that Beat as One.— Do you ever agree with your wife?’ “1 did once, when our house was burning down, and we both tried to get out first at the door!” • * * The Time Limit. —Biner (grievedly): “I suppose I can sit here until 1 starve?” Waiter: “Hardly that, sir! We close at 11 o’clock.” * * What She Deserved. —Cook: “Why, you’re the same man I gave a pie to yesterday!” Tramp: “Yus, but I ’ardly expected to find the same cook ’ere today!” <* =9 0 Sanctioning the Union. —“ Have your parents given their consent to our union?” “Xot yet. Father hasn’t expressed his opinion yet. and mother is waiting to contradict him.”

Avoiding Life’s Darkest Moment.— Sergeant: What is the first thing to do when cleaning a rifle? Private: Hook at the number. Sergeant: And what has that to do with it? Buck: To make sure I’m cleaning my own S un *

Go-Getter Marathon. —Maid. (to spring-cleaning mistress): There are half a dozen men downstairs with vacuum-cleaners. They say they have appointments to give demonstrations. Mistress: Yes, I sent for them; put them in different rooms, and tell them to get busy.

Not a Word. —Mrs. Brindle: “Now, Mary, I want you to be careful. This is some very old table linen —been in the. family for more than a hundred years, and ” Mary: “Ah. sure, ma’am, you needn’t worry. I won’t tell anyone, and it. looks as good as new, anyway.”

Lively Lid. —A near-sighted man lost his hat in a strong wind. He gave chase. A woman screamed from a nearby farmhouse: “What are you doing there?” “Getting my hat,” lie replied. “Your hat!” exclaimed the woman; “that’s our little black hen you’re chasing.”

Startled. —“ Give me a start!” begged the auctioneer. “I have here a genuine Queen Anne sideboard, the only piece of its kind known to the world. Give me a start.” ‘Fourpence,” said someone obligingly. The auctioneer nearly fell from the rostrum. “I asked for a start,” he said contemptuously. “Well, you got it, didn’t you?* * * *

Knows His Hardware. —An army junior had a quiz in science. The question was: Define a bolt and a nut, and explain the difference, if any. The boy wrote: “A bolt is a thing like a stick of hard metal such as iron, with a square bunch on one end and a lot of scratching wound round the other end. A nut is similar to a bolt, only just the opposite, being a hole in a little chunk of iron sawed off short, with wrinkles around the inside of the hole.”

Giving It a Name. —A patient who complained of digestive troubles was told by a specialist that he was drinking too much, and would have to reform. “Well,” said the patient, “what am I to tell my wife?” The doctor thought for a few minutes, and then said, “Tell her you are suffering from syncopation; that will satisfy her.” The patient did as be was told. “What is syncopation?” asked his wife. “I don’t know,” said the husband, “but that is what he said.” When her husband had gone out, the wife looked up the word in the dictionary, and found it meant “irregular movement from bar to bar.”

Where Do Holes Come From?—A man was given a carpet to beat, and, on bringing it back to the lady of the house, she reproachfully said. “Those holes were not there when I gave you the carpet.” “Wei, ma’am,” he replied, “if they weren’t there, where were they?”

Taken In.—A fellow took a very dilapidated car to a garage for repair. “How much did you pay for this bus?” asked the mechanic. “As a matter of fact,” replied the owner, “a friend gave it to me for nothing. The garage man shook his head. “You’ve been swindled,” he said.

Painless Extraction. —A man went to a Harley Street specialist and complained of a vague feeling of unfitness. The doctor made a thorough examination. “Well,” he said, “I can’t find anything noticeably wrong, but I believe those teeth of yours* should come out.” “Very well, doctor,” said the man. and complied upon the spot!

They Knew What They Wanted.— Four thousand mechanics laid down their wrenches and walked out of one of the Ford Motor Company plants recently. That statement will come as a surprise to many people who think that Henry Ford never has any labour troubles, but a lot of things happen among our Very Best People that- you never hear about. Ho you know how many eggs Mr. Hoover eats for breakfast? I thought not. Ho you know how many collar-studs elude Pinkerton detectives each week? I thoughr not. Of course. But to return to those four thousand mechanics who walked out of the Ford plant the other day. I’m going to tell you why they walked out! It was five o’clock!