A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 1016, 5 July 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Not Yet.—“Ah! ha! Here’s one of the landed gentry!’’ “No, Indeed! I’m still a bachelor!’’ The Hint.—Wife: You don’t love me any more. Husband: Why, dear, I do. Wife: You couldn’t love a woman with such old clothes as I have. The “Stiff/' —Commercial Traveller: ] “I’m a little stiff from bowling/’ Busy Tradesman: “I don’t care where ! you come from. What have you got j to sell?” c * <= Brothers in Arms.—When an Irishman was attacked in the street during a little St. Patrick’s Hay revelling, a Jew went to his assistance. Abie’s Irish rose, so to speak.

Polish.—He: “Darling, didn’t you notice that the sauce at the hotel last night tasted of furniture polish?” She: “Yes, dear. But it went well with the cabinet pudding.” The Village Fire Brigade.—The tire brigade of a small village had turned out in response to a fire call. While they were rushing their hand cart through the village street an excited villager dashed up to the chief of the brigade. “Chief,” he shouted wildly, “another fire has started at the other end of the village.” The officer turned on the man and looked at him fiercely. “Gan’t help that,” he snapped. “They'll have to keep it going until we’re finished with this one.”

At First Sight.—“ Yes,” observed th** young woman as they took their places at the restaurant table, “it was another case of love at first sight.” “Really,” said her friend, “how romantic. What was it the first sight of?” The other dropped her voice in a low’ murmur. “His bankbook,” she replied. * - o Inspiration.—A distinct earth quake shock disturbed a small Western city and rocked the municipal building so that the councillors, then in session, left without the usual ceremonies. The clerk, a man of rules and regulations, was puzzled how to give his record the proper official tone. Finally he evolved this masterpiece: “On motion of the city hall, the council adjourned.” 0 0 9 Nothing to Boast About. —A merry party was going on in one of the rooms of a large hotel when the festivities were interrupted by an attendant, who said: “Gentlemen, I’ve been sent to ask you to make less noise. The gentleman in the next room says he can’t read.” “Can’t read?” replied the host. “Well, tell him he ought to be ashamed of himself. Why, I could read when I was five.” The Adroit Answer.—The lady of the house was as cold as could be. "Y’ou seem able-bodied and healthy,” she said; “you ought to be strong enough to work for your meals.” “That’s true,” replied Weary Willie, “but although you seem beautiful enough to be in the movies, evidently you prefer the simple life.” “Oh, I’m sorry I spoke so hastily. Come in and get a nice, warm dinner, sir.” An Embarrassing Moment.—A wellknown writer visited a gaol to take notes for an article on prison life. On returning home he described what ha had seen, and his description made a deep impression on the mind of his little daughter. A week later the writer and his little girl were in a train which stopped at at station near a gloomy building. “What place is that?” asked a passenger. “The county gaol,” another answered promptly. Whereupon Mary embarrassed hex' father and aroused the suspicion of the other passengers by asking in a loud, shrill voice, “Is that the gaol you were in, father ”

Diplomacy. Judg- O’Fiahert; : Haven’t you been before me before* Prisoner: No. y’r honour. Oi uiver saw but wan face that looked loii: * yours and that was a photograph of an j Judge: Discharged. Call th* nixt case. Now We Know.—Lphraim: Wlv** you cal] it when a gal gits marriej three times —bigotry? ; Mose: Lawsy. boy. you suttenly a:.' ,a ignoramus. Why. when a gal git. j married two times, dut am bigotry. ] when she tries It three times, uat Jin : trigonometry. Grandmother’s Popularity.— bare.: i - tic Boss: “I notice there were ts.tt 1 people present on the afternoon Out your grandmother was buried.” Office Boy (rising to the oor■■Ion): !“I couldn’t say exactly how man: ! s-ir—but grandma was always ver; I popular.’” 9 9 9 Alert.—“ Henry. I wish you had betj ter manners; I noticed you dusted ti j chair at Mrs. Dink’s before you su. down, and her little son was watching you.” “Yes, and I was watching him, too. I'm too old a fish to be caught on a bent pin.” j 9 9 9 Indispensable.—“Mamma.” sa:d little six-year-old daughter, ‘ please button my dress.” “You will have to do it yourself, dear,” was the reply. “31 other's too busy.” “Oh. dear!” exclaimed the little girl. “I don’t know what I’d do without m'. - self.” Chewed Her.—Villager (to tourist.*: This ’ere ’ouse, sir, is where Katherir e of Harragon is said to ’ave been bitten by a mad dog. Tourist: Tudor, eh? Villager: Yes, sir. somethink 'ornbie. 9 9 9 Raising Them.—Lady: “How mu< Li are these chickens?” Poulterer: “Half a crown, ma’am ' Lady; “Did you raise them yourself ?” Poulterer: “Yes; they were 2s 3a yesterday.”

Not His Idea.—3lr. Jones, on his way to catch the morning business train, observed his friend Robtnscr hard at work in the garden. “Been at it long?” he asked. “Yes,” sighed Robinson, dejected!. . v since 7 o’clock.” “Good gracious!” gasped the othe:. *T wouldn’t think of such s thing.” “I wouldn’t either,” Robinson explained. casting a nervous glance toward his house. "My wife thought of it.”

Stirring.—They were undecided .Ti to where they should go. “Let’s run along to the new cafe tor a cup of tea.” said George to his young lady. “No. George.” she replied. “I don : like the place—they never provide teaspoons there.” “I didn’t know that.” be admitted. “Why don’t they?” “Ayell. I suppose it’s because they consider the music so stirring that J spoons are not needed.” was the reply.